Published January 1, 2009
Welcome Oh, this just kinda creeped its way into my mind.. Kinda weird, tell me what you think.
I treat people with hospitality,
Cleary saying "Welcome to Our Home."
I know you can read.
Do I get a thank you?
Nope.
I get my face stomped on,
By stiletto heels and soccer cleats.
What am I, a door mat?
Oh, right.
Maybe next time you visit Granny,
You can look down at me for a moment,
"Home Is Where the Grandma Is"
Say hi?
Possibly step over me,
Around works too, doesn't matter.
Just for once..
Please?
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,707 Reviews
Right, you were zee random piece at the top of the page, so here I am
Nit-picks first
Right, let's just do that number first:
one One of the major problems with this poem is that it's all telling and no showing. An example of that is the line labeled with 'one'. You can't just say you're so hospitable, you need to show us it
two
I agree that it sounds like an animal, maybe granny's pet? Or maybe a small child that no one really cares about. See, the problem I have with this poem is that it's not really poetry, it doesn't use poetic elements, and it isn't really the best read ever. That said, it's nice of you to give a voice to animals *if that is what you are trying to do* add some imagery, figurative language etc and you'll be good.
three
The meaning of this poem. Well, obviously against animal cruelty *maybe* or just generally ignorance. However, and when I say this I may be wrong, to me it appeared that the animal signified something... like it signified people everywhere that are ignored... No, it's not quite that. It's something else. The animal definitely signifies something... I just can't quite think what
overall
This piece was good
If you've got any questions don't hesitate to PM me
~Kirsten
xxx
Oh, this poem is so cute! From the point of view of a welcome mat that you put at the door, right? I love it. Let's see if I can nitpick it.
Well, that's it. As you can see, it isn't a lot. I absolutely loved this poem. *Gold star appears*
Ah, a very sarcastic like poem. Nice!
Maybe take out the such. It just doesn't fit there. Erase the comma after "Welcome to Our Home" and add a period. Like this:
I clearly say "Welcome to Our Home."
This is sort of confusing. You tell them to look down, at what? Then you go on to say home is where the grandma is...Are we looking at the mat? You could probably change it to something like this:
'Maybe next time you visit Granny.
Look down for a moment to see
"Home Is Where the Grandma is"
and say hi?'
This might work a little better.
Punctuation. Don't start your sentence with the word and. Add a period to the end of the first sentence.
I just now realized what point of view this is in. The mat! Wow. This took a little while to figure out. Please try to make it more clear for other readers. You don't want them all to be confused!
Hope this review helped some. I'm not that great with poetry, at least that's what my inner editor tells me.
Becca
This really made me laugh because when I was little, I tripped over a door mat and apologized to it. I'm just weird like that.
I'm not sure that your punctuation is accurate. I'm not a poet, so all I know is paragraph grammar.
I think there should be a period after "hospitality," and the comma in the second line should be inside the quotation marks.
I'm not sure, but I think there should be a period after "moment" and another after "'grandma is'" I also think you need quotations around "hi?"
I think you need a period after each of these lines.
My punctuations are probably wrong, and if so, please ignore them. I hope I helped, though.
-Sea-
Thanks, I did switch it up, tried to clarify things a bit.
=]
Hey Loozle! This is poem is interesting, a take on being "invisible," correct?
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
I could be completely wrong here but I get the impression that you wrote this from the point of view of an animal. Like a cat or small dog, perhaps? It sounds like this because of the way you use people in the first line, and then when you talk about shoes and "maybe you could look down?" I think of a small pet. Or a really short person, but that's not as obvious.
But because I'm so not sure if that's what you were going for, I suggest making it more clear that the narrator is not human. Like, for example, instead of getting its face stomped on by stiletto heels, it could be "I get my tail stomped on..." So, that way, there would be no doubt who is speaking.
The main problem I have with this poem is that the narrator says they are sooooo hospitable...but they just say it, there's no example. And then they say people are sooooo inconsiderate! But there's no example, except for the vague "I get stomped on..." line. So it would be cool if you included a little story about each of those times. And that way, the reader could feel your narrator's pain, and be like, "Oh man! That's horrible! People suck!" instead of being told. Do you see what I mean? And since your poem's not overly long, it would be fine to include some extra lines.
One last comment: There is a lot of space between each of your lines, and I'm not sure the space adds anything to your poem. It could be a formatting glitch, I don't know if you did it on purpose, but I don't know what they are trying to accomplish.
So, all of that being said, this is an interesting POV, and I think you have a great start. Just elaborate a bit and polish, and it can be great.