Young Writers Society

Hello, Lonelymountain!!

This is Eros here to review your sweety poem!!

Hmm... so, let us begin with the very first thing that matters the most. That's the TITLE of the work. The title is very good and is up to the mark. Its length is also appropriate. I liked that.
Now, coming to the STYLE OF WRITING. The way you have written the poem is really fascinating. The style of writing is fluent and easy to understand. The style of writing is unique too. I loved this.
Then, the next ting is the WORDS USED. The words usd to describe the things are very well. But still, there is a scope for improving the matter. My suggestin is to use adverbs. They help in making a good effect and helps in creating a very good impact on the reader.
Then, the next thing which should be discussed is the THEME of the poem. The theme is really very simple, and unique. I liked the way you have described the simpl theme in such a beautiful and creative way. It is really very good art to say so much in a very few words, like you have said so mny things in such a few words.
Rest, everything is great! You have done a beautiful work. I appriciate this piece. It's uniqueness, it's style of writing, it's title and everything impresses me the most. But, you should take care of using the adverbs ad adjectived ti describe them more effectively.
Overall, the poem is best!

Have a very Happy Review Day!
Enjoy reviewing!
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Never stop...
Because we all love reading your unique works!

Hey LonelyMountain

Happy Review Day!

I have to say that this was a little underwhelming in general. The language in this feels really forced so while you've got a good flow, good word choice, and all of that, you're lacking something.

I think that something comes from the choice of tone. Your tone in this poem is very old sounding. You're not using a lot of sentences that have the subject out front, instead they're more imperative sentences where you're coming off as sort of bossy. An imperative sentence is one used to make statements of things to do like "Go clean your room." If you'll notice, the subject of that is what? YOU, right? Well it's the person being addressed, not you in particular, but the person hearing the sentence. The subject is implied. Your lines also have implied subjects rather than ones that have been said. That's what makes them feel bossy. The one that isn't is "Then I can take a sword in hand," because I is the subject in that one.

I mean, who are you talking to here? "Give out your clumps..." is telling the person you're speaking to something to do, directly. It's an order. "Pray the beauty of your craft" is also an order. The first one is odd. Fortitude is the subject but if you read what the sentence is saying, it's sort of oblique and just a statement of some sort of "fact" that we have to believe because it was told to us without question. It's just a statement, How are we supposed to engage with that?

So anyway, the poem has good flow, you're a good writer, you just have to work towards creating a more communicative poem and perhaps it's because it's to William Blake, I'm not sure. Moving forward I'd like to see more communication/discussion with your audience in your poetry. I think that'll engage us more, but if you don't want to take my advice, that's your choice. I am just saying what I think might help for me as a reader.

I do hope this helps though.

Aley

What a beautiful work of poetry, keep up the awesome work Lonelymoutain. On a side note, very interesting name, I wonder how you came to that username. I love the repeated use of dirty type words, like sludge, and clumps in the first part of the poem. The words work well to juxtapose the lighter words like craft and bind in the latter part of the piece. After reading this piece, I'm left wondering how you were feeling when you wrote this, what mindset were you in, what kind of day were you having? These questions are the questions I love to ask myself whenever I read other peoples work. Keep up the awesome stuff dude, you've earned a follow from me:)