I know... it's a tad wierd.
***
The finely huge holes filling October lace,
Handcrafted, vintage and forced.
They run in circles, hitting Grand Canyons
every so often. Tracing curvatures, perfection,
hands entwined and they’re wandering.
Fresh icing sugar dusted over stencils,
making the trails they follow ‘till the end,
but our Doc Martins, they stuff the pathways
and we plummet, plunge and dive through.
Sharp pull and it breaks all we have created.
This lacy delicate ribbon of ice-white willpower
has no lifeline of its own, yet we cling to the seams;
Hoping it’ll hold all our hassles for us.
Shivering in a breeze they cling to each other;
praying the strands won’t sway too much, or
that we won’t bend those threads we forged.
Patterns emerging: are they unadorned for you too?
Or perhaps vibrant as a stained glass window?
It’s all in the skills, you see. It’s all lacy delicate.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank goodness... The color is gone... Really, it killed my eyes, in the future, I would suggest using something nicer to the eyes. Most colors are good except yellow and cyan (which you used). Okay... In these first two lines you already lost me. I would change the sentence structure of the first line.
Loved the image here. I same some holes running in circles (insanity, yes) ducking into Grand Canyons over and over. The second sentence was badly structured in my opinion. I don't even know how to tell you to fix it because I don't really understand it.
RUN ON SENTENCE! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! I love the first line but this really trails on. The second two lines seemed to fade into rambling.
I would add the word A or one to the beginning of the first line here. Get rid of the hyphen after ice and add a comma. Add a comma after lacy too. I love the second part of the third line.
Okay, you need to decide if your subject is we or they. You did this earlier too. I don't know if its intentional, but w/e. And in the next couple lines, you use "you" as your subject. Add a comma after shivering in a breeze. I would change the a to the.
I don't like too at the end of the first line. I would change the second line to Or perhaps as virbrant as a stained glass window I didn't like the last line, but you have to incorporate the title into the end somehow.
To me, this poem was a bit too abstract and it rambled a lot. You seemed not to have a definitive subject and you really had no emotion. You also continued to change subjects, which looses your reader. Good poem, but try to write something that isn't so abstract:)
-Nikki
Thanks for commenting. Last night when I wrote this I was kinda out of it. I'm cringing when I read this now
lol.
Lilia
All right, you started out ok, but then you just started rambling into inanities that seemed to have no connection to what you were trying to get across.
I LIKE this part. I can almost taste the bitter satirical feelings your putting out there.
Here, I enjoy the idea of Grand Canyons, but I think it would sound better if your took out the 'and they're'm leaving just wandering. None of the other parts of that specific sentence have a specific direction of a person, and putting it in that last part just isn't proper English. And it sounds weird. ((And I actually do know what I'm talking about, I just don't know the names of anything. I can sit and write, but I can't break down the sentences...)
After that though...you kind of start putting whatever popped into your head. And it didn't make any sense. Then, suddenly, at the very end, it's like you're talking to a specifc 'you'. You didn't do that for the rest of the poem. You completely changed from being and outsider viewer just noting things, to talking to someone. Why? What purpose? Yea, for the rest of the poem, I think I need a few sugar trails to lead me to a point. I can see you tried to make one "it's all lacyt delicate." ((VERY blatant by the way. If it wasn't for the fact that I do't get the poem, Id being yelling about that.)) the point just doesn't make any sense. Where are you going?
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That was very...different...which is good...I think. The thing that I hated most about this poem was the ending, and the color of the font that you picked. Its really annoying and gave me a headache. I have no idea what you meant by writing this poem, and what you want me to get out of it, though, and I think you just wrote whatever came to your mind, although the similes were kind of good. But I liked how you might have put 2 sentences in some lines. That was very cool.