Heroes of the Elven Lands:Chapter 1

Hey! New story in. The first chapters really long, so if you can be bothered reading it, go ahead. Its a PG because of mild swearing and violence. It may go up in later chapters. Enjoy! I put in **** When the story is changing perspective so its more easy to read.

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Abrax had always been a solitary man and travelling with this band of chaotic youngsters made him feel uneasy. It was his duty to massacre the people at Baeraf’s farm. He had been sent by the king to destroy the farmer’s peaceful land, to kill the men and rape the women. Baeraf had simply stole a lone sheep from the king’s livestock to feed his starving family, who were suffering from terrible financial problems. He would kill a hungry family because of a small theft? Thought Abrax.

“He is a foolish man,” he cursed aloud..

Abrax had been the kings lead hunter for near to twenty years and because of his ageing bones, he had now been given the job of training courageous young men to hunt for the king. The men would be assessed on their agility, courage and their ability to fight. Abrax had his eye on black haired man near the end of the marching group. He had shown immense courage at the farm. When all of his comrades had fled, he was faced with five angry farmhands, their pitchforks ready. They charged at him in a blind rage, trying to protect their home. The black tufted man quickly disposed of the first four but the fifth had unfortunately nicked at his knee, causing new blood to spurt into the air. The boy was in agony but had the strength to hack off the farmer’s head. Yes that boy could go somewheres, Albrax thought giddily.

The old hunter shifted in his seat trying to soothe his aching muscles. In all his 58 years he had never felt so tired. A good hot bath and a relaxing massage would treat his sore body.

The young woman the hunters had captured muffled through the gag and grunted in disgust.

“Shut up! You dirty little whore!” stormed a dark eyed man. He slapped her swiftly across the cheek, causing her to gasp and stumble.

They had stole the girl to satisfy the king. The old ruler had been grumpy when Abrax left and had been complaining. A young girl would be likely to please him.

The hunters camped in a circle of trees, where it was cool and shaded. Abrax lit a small fire and cooked some very salty meat and some bruised vegetables but the other men thankfully ate it and soon became drunk on the ale that was being shared out. Most began playing stupid games and others started taunting a small snake that had emerged from the bushes. One extremely foolish young boy got to close and got pierced deeply by the snakes large fangs. He ran to a nearby lake, whimpering and throwing up.

“That’ll teach him!” Abrax grunted.

The old man enjoyed watching the boys making asses of themselves. Silly kids! He thought.

He chuckled and fell into a deep sleep against a rock.

The following morning was fresh and breezy. The sun was a peeping through a few lonely clouds which were drifting by. It shined its golden rays over the world which gladly accepted its light.

The hunters packed up and quickly set off again. It was another days journey to the castle but the men proceeded at a fast pace.

They had just cleared a hill when a low, thunderous noise sounded behind them. A huge cloud of dust formed on the hill and the vague shapes of horses could be seen through the haze. Abrax immediately cantered away. The rest off his men followed suite.

When the dust had cleared, a group of raging tribesman sped after the hunters. Abrax had a disadvantage. His men did not have horses! But still they ran.

The young woman with the kings servants tried to follow but her long, luxurious dress caught under her feet. She tripped. She sputtered when she smashed to the ground. She swiftly looked behind her. The horses were approaching, fast! She would surely be trampled. The girl curled into a ball, tensing her body, waiting for the oncoming pain.

Nothing.

She looked up and the dust stung her eyes. She gagged as the small stones entered her mouth. Coughing and choking, she glanced above her and saw hooves fly past. The horses were pounding over her! Their flanks glittered in the light and the foam from their mouths splashed to the ground. The young woman quickly curled into a ball again and roughly closed her eyes. The noise of the beasts bounding over her was deafening and caused her to tremble with fear. The mounted men were screaming and shouting their tremendous war-cries as they flew above her.

The last horse gracefully bounded after his companions, neighing in excitement. The rider was goading it on, smacking its flanks in an effort to catch up. The dust cleared and the noise subsided and the blue eyed girl cautiously and slowly looked up, coughing and gasping in shock. With trembling limbs she clambered to her feet and peered after the last rider who was still trying to rampage after the other men. The woman, still in absolute shock, started to jog up the small hill but someone sharply grasped her neck and pulled her back down.

“Get off me, go away!” she pleaded.

******

Abrax kept on running, trying to escape the horrific tribesmen. They plundered after him in a blind rage, hacking off his companions heads. The old man screamed as he felt a hand grasp his collar. A grey-bearded man pulled him over to a tree flung him against it. This was the end for old Abrax, he thought bitterly. All he saw was a flash of silver and then complete darkness.

******

The hand let go of the girl and she fell painfully to the ground. She gagged once more and sputtered, spitting out the sandy substance. She felt someone grab her arm. Her attacker firmly but gently pulled her to her feet. She doubled over and began gasping for breath. Her throat felt extremely sore. As if it had been scraped red raw. She composed herself and wiped her eyes. The blurriness faded and a young man stood before her.

He was very tall. He towered over her, blocking out the suns rays. On his lean yet powerful frame he wore a sleeveless jerkin, exposing his sharp muscles. His poorly made leggings were tattered and ripped at his knees. His knees were badly cut and infected. The black riding boots that he wore on his feet were scuffed and the holes at the toes had the insoles popping out in an unsightly manner.

She looked up at his face. It was very sharp. His left cheekbone had been cut and was bleeding. The blood dribbled down to his smiling mouth and then plopped to the ground. He wore no beard and his light brown hair was short but very scruffy and messy. His dark brown eyes gazed down at her. They were so full of life and passionate warmth. This made her feel strangely nervous.

“Are you hurt? He asked. His voice remained calm. It was deep, almost musical.

“I don’t think so, though I was nearly killed by your charging horses,” she informed him angrily.

He laughed. It was full of happiness.

“Not my fault. Our beasts were trained to never harm humans,” he said.

The other tribesmen came trotting back up the hill. Their swords and small wooden shields were flecked with blood and their faces were greased with sweat but still they wore enormous smiles.

One rider on a tired chestnut mare rode up to the young people. He was smiling from ear to ear.

“We slaughtered every last one, Kalaban,” he exclaimed, “ We cut off their heads and stuck them onto posts and-“

“I really don’t need to know the gory details, Mazex,” the boy sighed, “ Anyway, good job, old friend,”

“Many thanks,” said Mazex. Then he turned and rode back to his companions to celebrate.

“So your name’s Kalaban?” the girl asked

“Yes, and might I have the pleasure of knowing your name,” he asked sarcastically.

“Sadine!” she replied, annoyed by his sarcasm.

“Sadine….cute!” he grinned.

She ignored him and began sulking away.

“And where do you think you’re going?” asked Kalaban rudely.

“Away from you” she shouted.

“Eh? No, you’re coming with us!” He walked up to Sadine and quickly swung her over his shoulders which hurt her ribs.”You could tell the king for all we know,”

She whacked at his shoulders and bit at his neck in an attempt to be set free but to no avail.

“Put me down, how dare you!” she stormed.

He didn’t listen to her pleas and made a sharp whistling sound. A black gelding came trotting to his side, whinnying and nussleing at his ribs. Kalaban flipped Sadine onto the horse’s saddle and patted the beasts neck.

“Now you are to stay put or you are to meet your bitter end” he told Sadine angrily, " And dont ever slap me again!"

She simply scoffed and swung off of the horse but was quickly propped back on.

“What did I tell you, lttle girl” he said. He bound her hands in rope and tied her to the pommel of the saddle.

She began to struggle and cry but the ropes were to tight and were cutting her wrists. She screamed and kicked and begged to be let free but no-one listened. After the pain in her wrists got to painful to bear, she sighed deeply, slouched her shoulders and began to whimper.

The other men came back and smoothed their horses coats and cleaned their swords. They were still sweating in the afternoon glare and they had to stoop over to block out the sun. The all jumped on their horses and rode away. Kalaban whistled to Sadines horse and it followed. The young woman was still whimpering and had her head bowed in defeat.

The band of tribesmen rode through the rolling countryside until the sun began to fade into the horizon. The arrived at a tiny village which was in terrible shape. The houses were wooden with obviously hastily built thatched roofs. The windows very small and the doors were just large spaces in the wood.

Children were playing and rolling in the mud. They were only wearing very thin tunics and some poorly stitched leggings yet still they didn’t seem to be bothered about the night chill. Animals were running freely through the streets, causing havoc in the tiny town.

Kalaban swung from his horse and smacked it’s flanks. The animal cantered away to a nearby field and began grazing. The young man walked into one of the wooden huts and sighed. His home had been reduced to a shack. His seat was an old, dusty haybail and his bed was old and very squeaky. But still he had the warmth of a fire. He slouched over to the hole in the wall and started a blaze. He held his hands to the fire and shivered with pleasure.

“That’s better!” he sighed under his breath. He retrieved a piece of meat from a bag in the corner. It had almost certainly gone bad but he needed something to fill his aching stomach. He got a large stick and slid the meat onto it and he held it over the fire.

Sadine entered Kalabans ‘house’ and sat herself down next to him. The meat on the stick had begun turning a succulent brown and filled the cabin with a delicious smell.

She looked at Kalaban. He was so handsome. Never before had she seen such beauty in a boy. But something interesting caught her gaze. His ears!

“You never told me you were an elf,” she said.

“Yes, but my kin and I are not immortals but we do bear some special gifts.”

“Such as…?” she asked.

“Oh! Why should I tell you?”

She growled and changed the subject,“What tribe is this?” she asked while still growling.

“The Redwolf tribe,” he replied.

“Oh!” she gasped.

"Yes I know, the allmighty wolves of the plain. Many people have died under our swords.”

“ I’ve heard that your tribe have killed many men. Most of which are in the service of the king,”

“Yes,” he sighed “ We kill the servants of the king because he took our land and our money for himself. Now look what we have! Nothing”

“I’m sorry, are you alright?” she asked gently while touching his shoulder.

He shook off her hand and turned away"Yes, Im completely fine," he said in a voice heaped with sarcasm.

She got angry and stormed away out of the hut.

He grunted and roughly chewed on the newly roasted meat.

While she walked through the village, she took a deep breath, taking in the fresh air. She would play along for now. If she tried to run, they might kill her but sometime she would escape.

Hope you liked it! :lol:

~Lollipop~

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Lollipop
Comment

And thank you too Reichieru! Maybe I should stick to one character in my future stories! Heehee

~Lollipop~

User avatar
Lollipop
Comment

Thanks for the info guys. And I'll change my story a little so it's easier to read. I just couldn't think of another way to change perspective. Oh well! Thanks anyway! :D I edited it and followed your guidelines and I found that it sounds much better. Thank you soo much!

~Lollipop~

User avatar
Rei
Review
Rei wrote a review · Wed Apr 27, 2005 11:17 pm

I think Griffinkeeper pretty much said most of what you need to know. I only read half of this because I couldn't follow what was happening. Your first few paragraphs don't really seem to have anything to do with each other. In this case, I think you would benefit from writing an outline and character sketches the next time you try this type of story. And, as was said, it's usually a good idea to stick to one character, especially when you're still learning how to write novels.

User avatar
Griffinkeeper
Review

Your story is very confused. It sounds like you started wanting to write from the perspective of the old hunter, yet you switched the protagonist halfway through. You can't be that indecisive when you are writing.

“So your name’s Kalaban?” the girl asked
“Yes, and might I have the pleasure of knowing your name,” he asked politely.
“Sadine,” she replied.
“Sadine huh….cute!” he grinned.


The word "huh" is almost exclusively used in the context of a question. There is no question here, so it sounds like he is retarded.

She ignored him and began sulking away.
“And where do you think you’re going?” asked Kalaban rudely.
“Away from you” she shouted.
“Eh? No, you’re coming with us!” He walked up to Sadine and swung her over his shoulders. ”You could tell the king for all we know,”
She whacked at his shoulders and bit at his neck in an attempt to be set free but to no avail.
“Put me down, how dare you!” she stormed.
He didn’t listen to her pleas and made a sharp whistling sound. A black gelding came trotting to his side, whinnying and nussleing at his ribs. Kalaban flipped Sadine onto the horse’s saddle and patted the beasts neck.
“Now you are to stay put,” he told Sadine.
She simply scoffed and swung off of the horse but was quickly propped back on.
“What did I tell you?” he said innocently.
She turned away from him but stayed seated.
“Men!” she huffed.


This is really lame. You failed to develop their relationship before you go into this, not to mention their character. The dialogue seems to be designed to give the impression of a tense atmosphere between rescued and rescuer, but because it was improperly set up, it falls apart.

I don't know if you did any research in how leaders think, especially on the tactical and logistical scale, but this is not Kalaban doesn't demonstrate any competence in these fields. It's like you forced them to interact too soon. This needs some work.

“Yes, but my kin and I are not immortals but we do bare some special gifts.”
Tell me, was Frodo a Ringbearer or a Ringbarer?

“Such as…?” she asked.
“Oh! Well, hmm, we have better hearing, eyesight and sense of smell than humans. And we can also talk to horses,”


A better answer might be "Why do you care?"

“What tribe is this?” she asked all of a sudden.
“The Redwolf tribe,” he replied.
“Oh!” she gasped.
“What?”


How cute. The man who is in charge doesn't even know how effective his group is. I don't get this. A leader would know his group very well.

Well, I’ve heard that your tribe have killed many men. Most of which are in the service of the king,”
“Yes,” he sighed “ We kill the servants of the king because he took our land and our money for himself. Now look what we have! Nothing”
“I’m sorry, are you alright?” she asked gently
“Fine.”


Fine? Fine! Where did the outrage go?

“Eh?… there’s a hut a few doors down with a free bed,”
“Ok, goodnight,” she said while patting his shoulder.


What happened to the concern before that she might escape or slaughter them in their sleep? Not good.

In conclusion: Your story is very indecisive and it reflects in the characters. You need to focus on a single character exclusively, don't try using first person omni-potenet.

You are forcing things to happen before you have properly introduced your characters. Kalaban sounds very fake to me. He shows no signs of effectiveness, yet his group is extremely successful. This never happens. You need to make him very experienced if you expect me to believe that he is that good. I recommend you read "The Sun Tzu" for basic commanding skills. If you can't find it, just PM me and I'll send it to you.



Memories, left untranslated, can be disowned; memories untranslatable can become someone else’s story.
— YiYun Li