A/N: It's a bit gory at the end. Also, I wrote this a while ago. Actually, I think it's one of first short stories I ever completed. It's badly written, I know.
Morgana Tisime took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She closed her eyes, and bit her lip. I can't do this, she thought to herself, feeling her a taste of metalic tasting blood flow into her mouth. Morgana yelped a bit, then sighed. Why'd I tell Ally I'd do it?
It was a cold, November evening. The air blew leaves gently, which landed in Morgana's dyed aqua hair. Morgana took a step forward toward the gloomy house in front of her. Her purple high heeled boots make a sharp click across the concrete pavement of the sidewalk.
" Gonna quit, Morg?" A voice came from behind her. It was Ally Heart, the school's tough girl. Her arms were folded on her chest, a deadly smile on her face.
" No," Morgana called back. She started to walk toward the house. It wad Normwood Mansion, even though it really wasn't a mansion. It was just a bit bigger than the average house on the street, but apparently bigger than most when it was built.
You can do this, Morgana told herself calmly. She nodded to herself and went up to the cracked wood door. She gently twisted the gold knob, and opened it.
Morgana let out a raspy cough. The air was filled with a dusty, mothball smell. Morgana bent down and reached into her leg warmers,and pulled out a silver flashlight. She took one last look at the group that had gathered around the lawn of the house, and closed the door.
The truth was, even if at times Morgana seemed brave to her classmates, she was really just as scarable as anybody else. But when Ally Heart had come up to her one day daring her to spend two hour at Normwood, she couldn't refuse. There was no possible way. Her reputation would be ruined beyond repair.
There was a story about Normwood. A serial killer had lived there. Her name was Elizabeth Bromley, and had found it her right to live off the legend of Elizabeth Bathory, a woman who was accused with murder, inculding killing her victims and bathing in their blood for youth. Well, Elizabeth Bromley had followed suit, killing around thirty young girls Morgana's age, and bathing in the blood. When the police raided her house, blood was found splattered on the walls on the kitchen, suggesting she had been canibalistic, too. The town was strickened with fear, and Elizabeth was put to jail for life. Now, people say Elizabeth haunted the house, looking for more victims, so she could live again.
" This is too easy," Morgana annouced aloud, just incase a classmate was standing by the door. She clicked on the black button of the flashlight. She gulped, and started to walk toward a covered up chair next to the doorway and sat in it carefully, not sure if it could hold her. Morgana shivered, and felt a cold sweatdrop dribble down her forehead.
A loud whip entered the air. Morgana shot up from the chair, and looked around with the flashlight. There's no one here, she thought, reassuring her self. It's an old house, it's gonna make noise. She sighed and collapsed into the chair again. This is making me a nervous reck, she moaned in her head.
Morgana sat there for around five minutes, the atmosphere dead quiet. She shut her eyes, hoping to fall asleep.
A loud bell interupted Morgana's attempted sleep. She opened her eyes slowly, and shined the flashlight around the large room, which Morgana could now see, a deep red. Bloody red, even. A click that sounded like high heels came from across the room. Someones here! The sharp, panicky thought entered Morgana. She stood up and reached for the door knob.
"It's locked!" Morgana screamed. She could here a stir of voices from outside, and footsteps behind the door.
" Let me out!" Morgana moaned loudly, pounding the door. She started scratching at the wood, which made her nails were down and show signs of blood. The footsteps came closer.
" Hello dearie," A sweet, babish voice came from behind her back. Morgana felt something grab her from behind, turning her around.
She was staring at a albino face, it's lips twisted in a sick smile.
" Such a pretty face," It said. " Too bad it belongs to me now." Morgana tried to kick, but felt her body stop moving as the creatures nails embedded in her shoulder blades. The person reached for something behind her back. It held up a knife, dangling it in Morgana's face. Morgana heard screaming from behind the door. She turned her face, and could saw the door move.
" HELP ME!" She let out a pericing scream. The thing giggled, and slammed the knife's blade into Morgana's skull. Morgana coughed and spat out blood. As it ran down her chin, the creature laughed.
" Wonderful."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Ooo... scary...
I love the name Morgana. Unfortunately, though, I spotted quite many typos here and there. For example, metalic (should be metallic), annouced (announced), babish (babyish) etc.
And I think you meant "nerve wreck" with "nervous reck". Also, I don't think you should use "gonna" in this kind of text but "going to" instead.
"The thing giggled" seems to me a bit awkward line, try to change it for e.g. "The creature giggled" or something.
If only you correct the mistakes (look for them carefully!) and clean it up a bit, I think this could end up like a pretty good story! Keep doing good work!
All the best,
Demeter
First off, always listen to Stella. She's amazing. ;P
I'm just going to add my two cents in, since she caught all the technical stuff.
In a story, you want us to read all the way through, correct? So you need to start with a BANG. In here, it could actually be a bang. Maybe she's creeping through the house, and the story begins just as something crashes down the hall? That would bring us right into the suspense.
Also, she didn't really have any emotion. She should be terrified; show us this. Set the scene to be spooky, then have her notice everything. When you are afraid, you turn even the smallest shadows into monsters.
Finally, don't tell so much. I don't want a lecture on the history; show us it. Maybe let us pass her room, and show us the main character's thoughts? Or a flashback (in thoughts) of when she was dared to enter the house, but someone there didn't know the history and had to be told? Something. (I like the combining them, actually. She could walk by the bedroom, pause, and walk in. While looking around, she could have a flashback to when she was dared. One of the kids didn't know the story, so the person who dared her told them the story; very spookily, of course.)
Sorry about the lame review, but I'm kind of in the rush. It's a good story, but it takes a while to understand what's happening, and I'm definately not pulled it. Just work on that a bit and it could be great.
~JFW1415
It's a cool story, and the title Wonderful, with what the creature says at the end, is nicely thought of!
The other reviewer gave all actual review comments, so i'll just say: Keep writing
Like Stella said, the space before each dialogue was really irking me. Ha ha. Looks like your previous reviewer got pretty much everything. It was real good for a first short story, my first blowed. Ha ha.
Keep up the work,
Trick---->
Hello, and welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella, I'll be your reviewer today.
Also, try shoving "called" in here.Normwood Mansion, even though it really wasn't a mansion. It was just a bit bigger than the average house on the street, but apparently bigger than most when it was built. how long ago? If I was you, I'd just add in "centuries ago" or say the date or something, to give us an idea.
. When the police raided her house, blood was found splattered on the walls on the kitchen, suggesting she had been canibalistic, too. The town was strickened with fear, and Elizabeth was put to jail for life what year was this? Because you get the impression that she'd get sent to the asylum if it was long ago... Now, people say Elizabeth haunted the house, looking for more victims, so she could live again Just reword it: "People said that Elizabeth now haunted the house, waiting for more victims, in the ope that one day she could live again" or something, your way is kinda awkward 
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Comments, corrections and questions are in bold.
Morgana Tisime took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She closed her eyes, and bit her lip. I can't do this, I just put this into italics she thought to herself, feeling her a taste of metalic tasting blood flow into her mouth um, darling, that is very complicated and doesn't make a lot of sense. Try "she thought to herself, recognising the familiar metallic taste as blood flowed into her mouth" or something. Morgana yelped a bit, then sighed. Why'd I tell Ally I'd do it? just italics again.
It was a cold, November evening. The air blew leaves gently, which landed in Morgana's dyed aqua hair. Morgana took a step forward toward the gloomy house in front of her. Her purple high heeled boots make a sharp click across the concrete pavement of the sidewalk.
"Gonna quit, Morg?" a voice came from behind her. It was Ally Heart, the school's tough girl. Her arms were folded [s]on[/s] across her chest, a deadly smile on her face.
"No," Morgana called back. She started to walk toward the house. It wad was
You can do this, italicized Morgana told herself calmly. She nodded to herself and went up to the cracked wood door. She gently twisted the gold knob, and opened it.
Morgana let out a raspy cough. The air was filled with a dusty, mothball smell Personally, I'd prefer "The house smelt of dust and mothballs".. Morgana bent down and reached into her leg warmers,and pulled out a silver flashlight. She took one last look at the group that had gathered around the lawn of the house, and closed the door.
The truth was, even if at times Morgana seemed brave to her classmates, she was really just as scarable as easily scared, perhaps? as anybody else. But when Ally Heart had come up to her one day daring her to spend two hours at Normwood, she couldn't refuse. There was no possible way. Her reputation would be ruined beyond repair.
There was a story about Normwood. I just felt this was all a bit too sudden and infodumpy. Try adding in before that she was frightened about going into the house, because of the stories about it. Then at this point say: "The story went that a serial killer by the name of Elizabeth Bromley had lived in Normwood". Does that make sense? A serial killer had lived there. Her name was Elizabeth Bromley, and had found it her right to live off the legend of Elizabeth Bathory, a woman who was accused with murder, inculding killing her victims and bathing in their blood for youth Why did she find it her right?. [s]Well, Elizabeth Bromley[/s]I'd just say "she," but some people would use her name, I'd get a second opinion... had followed suit, killing around thirty young girls Morgana's age, and bathing in the blood can I just say: that is completely sick. Nice job
"This is too easy," Morgana announced aloud, just in two wordscase a classmate was standing by the door. She clicked on the black button of the flashlight. She gulped, and started to walk toward a covered up chair next to the doorway and sat in it carefully, not sure if it could hold her. Morgana shivered, and felt a cold sweatdrop drop of sweat? maybe? dribble down her forehead.
A loud whip entered the air swap the word entered for something more... whippish. Morgana shot up from the chair, and looked around with the flashlight. There's no one here, she thought, reassuring her self. It's an old house, it's gonna make noise. She sighed and collapsed into the chair again. This is making me a nervous wreck, she moaned in her head. Thoughts in italics, and wreck has a "w".
Morgana sat there for around five minutes, the atmosphere dead quiet. She shut her eyes, hoping to fall asleep.
A loud bell interupted I'd spell it "interrupted", but that's the Irish-English way of doing it, I can't remember where you're from, but I think if you're from the States you've done it the right way Morgana's attempted sleep. She opened her eyes slowly, and shined the flashlight around the large room, which Morgana could now see, a deep red was a deep red, perhaps?. Bloody red, even. A click that sounded like high heels came from across the room. Someone's here! The sharp, panicky thought entered Morgana. She stood up and reached for the door knob.
"It's locked!" Morgana screamed. She could here a stir of voices from outside, and footsteps behind the door.
"Let me out!" Morgana moaned loudly, pounding the door. She started scratching at the wood, which made her nails were I think you mean wear down and show signs of blood. The footsteps came closer.
"Hello dearie," A sweet, babyish voice came from behind her back. Morgana felt something grab her from behind, turning her around.
She was staring at a albino face, it's no apostrophe lips twisted in a sick smile. describe the face more, add in "pale" before lips, etc. Elaborate!
"Such a pretty face," It I can't decide whether you've named the face "It", or if it's a mistake. If it's not called "It," that should me a small "i" said. "Too bad it belongs to me now."
Morgana tried to kick, but felt her body stop moving as the creature's nails embedded themselves in her shoulder blades. The person reached for something behind her back okay, it's just it switches from creature to person? I'd stay with creature, and replace person with "thing" or something similar. It held up a knife, dangling it in Morgana's face. Morgana heard screaming from behind the door. She turned her face, and could saw the door move.
"HELP ME!" She let out a pericing piercing scream. The thing giggled, and slammed the knife's blade into Morgana's skull. Morgana coughed and spat out blood. As it ran down her chin, the creature laughed.
"Wonderful."
Whew, it was gorey, you got that right! Very spine-tingling stuff, lucky it's the middle of the afternoon and not late at night.
Um, you have this weird habit of putting a space in after opening speech marks? Like " Hello"... it should just be "Hello."
The only thing I really want to say is I want to see more description. Because I heart detail.
Other than that, it wasn't half bad.
Here's hoping you'll stick around!
PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella x