Hello. 
Thanks for deciding to click on my story. I don't know if you can tell my the title or not, but this is only the first part of chapter one, so...Enjoy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Her breath was short, shallow, and still. Her pale fingers entwined around the solid steel bars of her prison, and her dull, beaten eyes looked hollow and worn. The darkness around her home engulfed her senses, and her slight breathing stopped for a split second, then went back to it's normal state. The young lady seemed to be in a trance, hypnotized by nothing, but at the same time concentrating on not thinking about the future, nor thinking about what was about to happen in about a minute.
The curtains that surrounded her tiny cage looked beaten and dusty, despite being used and examined by workers at least once a day. Show times of course ranged, but generally the curtains would always be in use, blocking her from seeing any gathering crowds, or preventing the audiences from an early look. The girl took one hand away from the cage and stretched her fingers in front of her, and curled them back and forth. Her nails were dirty; it disgusted her. That wasn't uncommon however, in a time like this. In fact, compared to the humans she had to entertain, she was quite clean. Then again, she was for show. Costumers wanted to see, for the most part, a clean cut vampire.
“Audrey!” A hoarse voice echoed. Audrey could tell where she had been moved now. Earlier, she could feel her transportable home being wheeled away from it's spot; apparently she had been wheeled to the concrete arena she had occasionally gotten a glimpse of during her free time, which only occurred around once a year.
“Yes?” Her voice came out dry. Of course, she hadn't been given anything to drink in a while, why would it sound remotely healthy?
“You ready?” A man peaked his bald head through the maroon curtains. He looked greasy and sweaty; Audrey grimaced. She see the bodily oil running through his off white tank top.
“Ready as I'll ever be,” She smirked. “Do I get something to drink today?” She ran her fingers through her knotted curls. She tugged at a particularity nasty rat's nest. “Perhaps a bath, too?”
“Yes to the first, no to the second. Water's low this week.”
“Who's the donor?” Audrey asked, positioning herself in a cross legged stature, and placing her hands underneath her chin. She was always curious in these things. After all, who would give up precious blood for someone they don't even know? Especially someone like her.
“It's just animal. Uh, I think dog or something.” The man replied. Audrey hadn't seen this man before; not that it really mattered. The employees changed all the time; usually had something to do with the other creatures on display. Audrey had heard recently that her boss had bought a cannibal; that was just speculation of course, but she wouldn't doubt it.
“Oh,” Audrey let out a disappointed sigh. “I could be getting my own if I knew you were going to stick me with that crap.”
“Yeah, yeah,” The man said. He grunted, turned, and left Audrey sitting in the cage. Audrey adjusted herself, so that she was once facing the front side of the cage. She could hear whispering now, thankfully just whispering, nothing more. The curtains were moving. Audrey let out a hiss. Audiences were supposed to back off, to keep a distance. Didn't anyone believe in civility anymore?
Audrey balanced herself and stretched a tiny, bony arm through the bars, extending it to the curtains, and gently peeled one of them aside a tiny slit. She couldn't make out any faces due to the darkened atmosphere, but she could see bodies moving, eating, and pacing back and forth. Her eyes darted in the darkness, searching for any familiar faces. Eventually she gave up, and closed the small opening of the curtain.
The other curtains behind the cage opened, revealing a tan, freckled red head peeking her head through.
“You're about to go on,” She said. Her voice was quiet, almost a whisper. The voice picked up well under Audrey's senses, due to vampire acquiring commendable hearing. Audrey turned her head.
“I know, some guy just told me,” She said fumbling with the chain bracelets on her arm until she heard a loud, booming voice besides the curtains, talking to the anticipating crowd. It was the man from before. Be prepared to be disappointed, Audrey thought bitterly.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Thank you for the review!
I didn't forget.
By the way, the reasons as to why Audrey is capture will be in the next part.
Hey Lolita! Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
its. Remember, its is a word like his or hers, but it's is a contraction like he's or she's.
Change one of the "about"s, methinks.
a hoarse voice.
[quoteaway from it's spot;[/quote]
Again, its.
peeked, in this case.
saw.
she.
the.
again, she.
she said, fumbling...
DIALOGUE PUNCTUATION
Okay, so you've got the whole commasnotfullstops thing down. Which is good. But:
"I don't know," said Ben.
You see, because that's a speech tag (that describes how something is said, ie. said Ben, he shouted, etc.), therefore a continuation of your sentence, well, that's why you need a comma. But you also don't need a capital letter on 'said'. It's a small 's.' That applies to any speech tag. Even if it's:
"Stop!" he shouted.
Technically, there should be a capital letter after an exclamation mark, but speech tags are different... just remember, if it's a speech tag, no capital letter, but if it's an unrelated action ('She scratched her nose.') then it's a different sentence all together and should be treated like one.
III. VAMPIRE MYTHS
So I realise this is a beginning, and you don't want to give stuff away. What I want to know, though, is why she can't escape. Isn't she a vampire? Just a few sentences- maybe she doesn't have the super strength we thought, maybe she's been drained of it. You don't have to mention how, but mentioning it at all might be a good idea, so people won't go "huh?"
IV.
Overall, I quite liked this, I really didn't find much wrong. Your description is nice- but don't be afraid to use the other senses as well, touch, taste, smell... but mostly, I quite liked it
Hope I helped- drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella.
Oh, it's just a temporary title. No particular reason, as boring as that explanation is. ^.^;
And thank you both for reviewing!
Why is it called Wallpaper btw?
Should be "peeked."
Other than that, though, I didn't catch any errors. This was definitely an interesting start, and I am looking forward to the second part.
Ooh, this is pretty interesting - it definitely caught my attention, and i didn't stray my attention.
However, nothing particularly happens. Put a little bit more in.
---
Lorril.
---