street rats

I'm sorry, but I couldn't get into this. I do agree that the sentances are quite long, and you may want to just cut to point. Maybe not getting into it was just me (as it's not really my genre) but with sentances, I do agree. Good luck and keep writing!

Rebz

Hey, first off, I suggest removing that random post you have straight after your story:

Logan455 wrote:thanks for reading people of the YWS this is just sort of a pilot you might say by the next short there will be a much bigger plot please follow my profile i will have it posted some time this week or next ideas and constructive criticism are welcome also i am looking for a editor to check my work over for those mistakes i am sure you will find in this work and please press the like button.

Logan455 wrote:Taking the first shot [Here you make it sound as if *you* getting hit *first* is advantage, when I think you mean, "Shooting first"] is an advantage in any battle situation but combining that with the element of surprise is even better. [I don't mind the opening sentence] Amgon, Eulan, and Kitra [Whoah, character dump. Who are they? What are they?] knew this well; they had used the creed many times but never in the heat of battle only on unsuspecting patrons [That made no sense. I think that's because it was awkwardly worded. You make it sound as if they never use the creed (which I assume is the first sentence) at all. And then you say they do use it. Not only is it confusing, but you are just repeating the sentence before it. Strike first to confuse. Strike first to confuse.]. The night air was muggy like that of which comes after a night of rain, like wise leaving the ground was muddy. meaning not Not as many people would come threw through the streetpassing the group by. [Okay, just quickly. That sentence was terrible. Conjunction after conjunction after conjunction. "like that of which", "likewise", "meaning". Separating the different ideas into longer more descriptive sentences always sounds better than one giant meandering sentence.] They were on the north side of town where all the nobles and rich lived they were hiding under a raised porch most of the homes on the north side were built raised to keep the mud from damaging there wooden homes. [. . . Break that sentence into two, or make it a non-repetitive sentence, "They were hiding under a raised porch in the north side of town. Only the nobles could afford to build their houses off of the ground.]

Soon a large drunken noble came stumbling threwthrough. The group wanted waited until he was about 10 [Generally you are supposed to spell out numbers below one hundred. So that should be "ten"] passes paces ahead then they stated started stalking him. some Somemight think the mud might would be a disadvantage because less people were walking about with there their fine shoes molding [I have no idea what you mean here.] in the rain (on the north side at least,) but really it was a blessing from which ever god was looking out for the children because there were less people so they would have less chance of being caught and the mud would muffle their footsteps [. . . another poorly constructed sentence. Please reword.]. If you were caught thieving especially as a child with no means of defending yourself [Break up long sentences with commas] it would be certain death. maybe Maybe it was the alcohol, the mans man's ignorance of thieves, or a another blessing from a god, but the drunken man decided to walk into the ally of two homes making it the perfect time to strike, because [Do you really need to have so many "because"s in here?] no one would see them the houses were long, wide, and tall on the north side. There was no reason to put windows on the sides of the houses because they were so narrow. [You really need to learn how to merge and separate sentences so they are interesting and flow correctly.]

[Paragraph break.]The fat nobleman had fit only with about one or two feet on either side of him he was in finely crafted clothing and had a sword at his side he probably wasn’t a swordsman of any sort and just held it for imitation purposes [Is that information even needed?]. Eulan made a motion with his hand instructing the others now was the time to strike; they did the usual heist [Break up your sentences] Kitra being the smallest and fastest disarmed the man, taking his sword. He was dumbfounded he was just about to yell at the girl when Amgon and Eulan tripped him. Amgon being the strongest and heavyset of the grouped jumped on the mans back holding down his face down into the mud, so that he wouldn’t be able to make noise Eulan grabbed one arm while Kitra held the other before he was able to throw Amgon off his back [*brain bleeds*]. Soon he stopped struggling the mud had suffocated him rendering him unconscious, though he wasn’t dead. The group of children soon took anything of value off his body coin purse, clothing the sword and the bottle of wine that he had dropped when the boys had tripped him. Amgon tipped his head so he could breath some one would find him soon enough. The children didn’t hate the rich just stole from them it wasn’t out of dislike it was out of the fact that they had needed the money, and the items they could sell to stay alive. Maybe in a week or two when the group needed more money the man would “provide” for them again or perhaps another street rat gang. Soon the group was off as quickly as they had came running to one of the safe houses on the southern part of town to live and to fight to survive another day.

I'm sorry, but to be perfectly blunt, that was almost unreadable. The biggest barrier is the conveyance of your ideas. The muddy language makes it unpleasant and boring to read. For one, all you threw in their names at the front... And end there. Anything we should know about the characters to form a coherent image should be given to us at the front, not when the action starts! I know nothing about them, I don't know what kind of people they're like, other than that they're bandits or something. They've got no face, no character, no personality.

And the sentences! Far too long! Awkward and error filled! ("Through", not "threw"!)
(red is mine)
Examples:

The night was muggylike that of which comes after a rain., and the ground was muddy. As such, not as(Don't use "as" without a comparison. Don't assume the reader knows what you mean.) many people would come threwcame through the street, most passing the group by.

The group waited until he was about ten passes ahead. They stated stalking him then. Some might think the mud might be a disadvantage, because less people were walking about with there fine shoes molding in the rain (on the north side at least,)(unnecessary noise, doesn't add to the scene, only draws a tangent away) but it was really a blessing from which ever god was looking out for them, as it resulted in less people on the streets there were less people so they would have. Less chance of being caught. (fragments would give the reader a bit of a rest from the long sentences)The mud would also muffle their footsteps.

thanks for reading people of the YWS this is just sort of a pilot you might say by the next short there will be a much bigger plot please follow my profile i will have it posted some time this week or next ideas and constructive criticism are welcome also i am looking for a editor to check my work over for those mistakes i am sure you will find in this work and please press the like button.