White Stallions.

by LlamaDuck
  • February 16, 2009
  • Poetry
  • Other

White Stallions.

I watch the beauty of the stallions of the sea
Flaring manes and whip tails,
Their sound fills the empty sky.
Bold hearts gallop onwards
Some are lost to the rocks,
Others tire
But those who survive
Throw themselves to the mercy of the bay
Before returning to the ocean.
Their imprinted souls forever upon the sand.

Comments & reviews · 5
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Lost_in_dreamland
Review
Lost_in_dreamland wrote a review · Sat Feb 28, 2009 10:33 pm

Okay, I liked this poem. I'm kind of tired just now, so this review may not be of the best quality. Let's start:

I watch the beauty of the stallions of the sea
Right, first sentences are meant to pull us into the poem, drag us in and refuse to let us go. You will find that line in almost every one of my poetry reviews, but that's simply because it is so important. It is a matter of pertinence, that of superior first sentences. Yours isn't really incredible. I don't like the repetition of the word of, it makes the line rather confusing. Furthermore the line is a bit too long to use as a first sentence. I'd advise you to revise this line. (no rhyme intended :lol:)

Flaring manes and whip tails,
I like this: it provides us imagery without going into elaborate or abstract descriptions, yet I would like to see some of the latter too, just not too much.

Their sound fills the empty sky.
A sky isn't really empty, is it? Unless you think of the clouds as nothing. Yet that is hard to do, is it not? Also, sound is an audial thing, whilst the way you talk of the sky being empty it sounds like you mean empty a visual thing. How can something be visually empty, then suddenly full by means of a audial thing. Furthermore what sound fills the empty sky? Flaring manes and whip tails are not sounds. Unless you mean the stallions of the sea, it's not very clear. Or perhaps that's just me, lol.

Bold hearts gallop onwards
I like this line, it's probably my favourite.

Some are lost to the rocks,

Others tire

But those who survive

Throw themselves to the mercy of the bay

Before returning to the ocean.

Their imprinted souls forever upon the sand.
First I think this line would read better as : Their souls imprinted forever upon the sand. <This is my favourite line in the poem :) Now, onto your poem. I like the second part, because it seems to indicate that there is something of more worth than the rest, the latter part carries meaning, more philosophical. Whether this is intentional I know not but I do like it. Most of this poem, however, I don't like too much. I don't mean to offend you, I just believe that you can do better. I like the imagery, but I'm more one for elaborate descriptions, more abstract descriptions with some concrete ones, but that's just me. Now, onto the positive things. This was a good poem, the imagery is nice. I like the significance behind the words. It just needs to be revised and fixed a bit.
Good luck;
~Kirsten

User avatar
ballerina13
Comment
ballerina13 commented · Sun Feb 22, 2009 12:12 am

I really liked this. I see that other people have already mentioned the errors. This piece was intriguing. I enjoyed the concept and thought that you had very good imagery. Superb! *Gold Star*

User avatar
timeless
Review
timeless wrote a review · Sat Feb 21, 2009 10:34 am

Hi, LlamaDuck.

Firstly, I loved the title of the poem! It's what drew me into reading the poem in the first place. The poem is full of simple and graceful elegance, and that's what I like best. *smiles*

Your original poem is in normal font face and my comments are in bold:


White Stallions.

I watch the beauty of the stallions of the sea I'd put a full stop after this first line, as a bold opening statement.
Flaring manes and whip tails, Brilliant visual imagery here! Reminds me of Ninetales from Pokémon. *embarrassed*
Their sound fills the empty sky. Good; this really emphasises the vastness of land and the freedom the horses have to gallop right across it. Also emphasises the wilderness.
Bold hearts gallop onwards
Some are lost to the rocks, I'd remove the comma here, because it slows down the flow. Without the comma, it will fit in better with the next two lines.
Others tire
But those who survive
Throw themselves to the mercy of the bay
Before returning to the ocean. And i'd also remove the full stop here, since it will be better to bring the poem to an abrupt endiing rather than two less effective ones.
Their imprinted souls forever upon the sand.



But all in all, I really do like this poem very much, and I'm going to give you a gold star for it!

Best wishes with your writing!

~ timeless

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chipsandguacamollie
Comment
chipsandguacamollie commented · Mon Feb 16, 2009 8:21 pm

There are a few spelling errors, such as 'flaring', 'manes', and 'throw'. Definitely fix those. Maybe fix up the rhyme scheme a bit too, so there is a pattern and it will flow better. Other than that, I like the concept.

User avatar
Samsal
Comment
Samsal commented · Mon Feb 16, 2009 5:29 pm

ummm...not bad. could use some work but still very good and well put. is it just me or is there some spelling errors there?hmmm. good job. anyway=)



When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
— Walter Lippmann