Okay, I liked this poem. I'm kind of tired just now, so this review may not be of the best quality. Let's start:
Right, first sentences are meant to pull us into the poem, drag us in and refuse to let us go. You will find that line in almost every one of my poetry reviews, but that's simply because it is so important. It is a matter of pertinence, that of superior first sentences. Yours isn't really incredible. I don't like the repetition of the word of, it makes the line rather confusing. Furthermore the line is a bit too long to use as a first sentence. I'd advise you to revise this line. (no rhyme intendedI watch the beauty of the stallions of the sea
) I like this: it provides us imagery without going into elaborate or abstract descriptions, yet I would like to see some of the latter too, just not too much.Flaring manes and whip tails,
A sky isn't really empty, is it? Unless you think of the clouds as nothing. Yet that is hard to do, is it not? Also, sound is an audial thing, whilst the way you talk of the sky being empty it sounds like you mean empty a visual thing. How can something be visually empty, then suddenly full by means of a audial thing. Furthermore what sound fills the empty sky? Flaring manes and whip tails are not sounds. Unless you mean the stallions of the sea, it's not very clear. Or perhaps that's just me, lol.Their sound fills the empty sky.
I like this line, it's probably my favourite.Bold hearts gallop onwards
First I think this line would read better as : Their souls imprinted forever upon the sand. <This is my favourite line in the poemSome are lost to the rocks,
Others tire
But those who survive
Throw themselves to the mercy of the bay
Before returning to the ocean.
Their imprinted souls forever upon the sand.
Now, onto your poem. I like the second part, because it seems to indicate that there is something of more worth than the rest, the latter part carries meaning, more philosophical. Whether this is intentional I know not but I do like it. Most of this poem, however, I don't like too much. I don't mean to offend you, I just believe that you can do better. I like the imagery, but I'm more one for elaborate descriptions, more abstract descriptions with some concrete ones, but that's just me. Now, onto the positive things. This was a good poem, the imagery is nice. I like the significance behind the words. It just needs to be revised and fixed a bit.
Good luck;
~Kirsten
Points: 890
Reviews: 273
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