z

Young Writers Society



The Others

by LlamaDuck


The Others

They see blood upon my hands
And guilt upon my face,
But what they cannot see
is that I was wrongly placed.

They do not care for friends
But for the leader of the pack,
They take her side, to earn her pride
And care for only that.

They cannot see she's guilty,
They refuse to see she's lied,
They do not know her secrets
For she has lots to hide.

You may think that they've been hoodwinked
But it's more than clear to see,
They know I didn't do it,
They know it wasn't me.

I've heard them say 'revenge is sweet,'
That all things come around.
They'd better run for when it does
I won't be going down.

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356 Reviews

Points: 10701
Reviews: 356

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Sun Feb 15, 2009 8:55 pm
*writewatiwant* wrote a review...



Hey there LlamaDuck! What's up?
I liked this, to be honest. But there are some things that are in need of polishing up.

They see blood upon my hands
And guilt upon my face,
But what they cannot see
is that I was wrongly placed.


The first stanza is nice; you talk about a consistent matter that is well displayed and understandable. Also, the rhymes and rhythm are good. The last line is confused and you don't explain it in the next stanza.

They do not care for friends
But for the leader of the pack, [maybe replace but for only]
They take her side, to earn her pride
And care for only that.


This is a bit confusing. The pack? Who's the pack? What kind of pack? You let the reader wondering. You change subject that is remotely related to the first stanza.

I've heard them say 'revenge is sweet,'
That all things come around.
They'd better run, for when it does
I won't be going down.


I liked the ending, even thought I did not understood it.

Overall: I liked it, but it's confusing and has small things that need work on.

*Kat*

P.S: Oh and PM me if you need anything! :D




User avatar
33 Reviews

Points: 1167
Reviews: 33

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Sun Feb 15, 2009 8:02 pm
S.S. Rose wrote a review...



Altogether quite nicely done -- the message resonates clearly with anyone who has experienced bullying. I disagree, however, with "For she has lots to hide" in the third stanza. It doesn't flow well and "lots" seems like a lazy filler word compared to the rest of the piece. In the second stanza, "Leader of the pack" is a bit unoriginal and overused. Other than that, I very much enjoyed your work.





Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
— Louis L'Amour