Young Writers Society

Hey there,

Let's get on with the review, shall we?

I'd pointed this out and he told me he’d cut it chopping vegetables for dinner, but when did he ever cook. Re-structure this sentence, maybe make several sentences out of it. For example: I'd pointed this out to him; he'd replied that he'd cut it while chopping vegetables for dinner. When did he ever cook?

just a jealous rumour. Not sure what you mean by this. He had just said he'd been cooking, so how can it merely be a rumour?

I thought that the first time he’d say those words to me I’d feel butterflies or maybe a little leap in the pit of my stomach but all I felt was anger. Chop this sentence up, too. Try to avoid run-ons.

Bloody hell Tammy, I thought you were smarter than to listen to them. I thought you were above listening to them./I thought you were smarter than that. The way you've put it isn't logical.

He could try telling me that some one had photo shopped it. [s]photo shopped[/s] Photoshopped.

He could try denying the evidence that he had kissed her, that he had held her, but I knew and when I’d seen it, when I’d finally had to face the bitter, burning truth that had tried so hard to stay in the back of my mind and never to bother me, never until now. This is one sentence -- it's too long.

I spun around my mind filled with hate, wanting to lash out, to strike, to scratch off his sad, solemn face and reveal the smirk that hid behind it, to reveal the truth. You need a comma between "around" and "my", and might want to consider turning this into two sentences.

Whoa, intense piece. Well done, though you should fix the things I've mentioned ^ up there.

PM me for anything!

XxxDo

I've made some changes, they're not briliant but i'm not shakespear. (no matter how much i wish i was)

Hiyas! I'm Mars, ready to review.
First of all, I hope those are not your titles (A Girl Who's Been Cheated and Anger), just because I don't think that either one does justice to your story. Anger is so vague, it can refer to a great many things, like a parent scolding a child, and so it really doesn't tell us anything about your story...and it also doesn't draw me in. And this story is exciting! And I think it deserves a better title. Here and here are two websites that might help you.

And, also a quick dialogue grammar lesson:
"I love you, Jesse." She said.
That's wrong. What it should be is:
"I love you, Jesse," she said.
More info here, if you need it.

Now, onto the actual story! I do like the first sentence. But when you say, He'd cut his thumb chopping vegetables I was a little confused as to how Tammy knew. I wish she had looked past him and seen the knife and the carrots, or the cutting board, or whatever, just so that the reader could make the connection. And then, it would've been cool if we could have seen the connection forming in her mind. How did he cut his hand? Oh look, a knife and chopped onions! He must've...but wait... you know? Because otherwise the reader gets jerked into the story so fast that it's like, hold up! What's going on again?

Oh, and, just a jealous rumour, right?

And then, the part with the photo is kind of the same. It's like, oh my gosh! The photo! and Tammy's freaking out about it, and obviously it's some key piece of the story that incriminates her boyfriend, but us readers are still left in the dark, going, wait, what photo is this? And so I suggest explaining it a little more, like, the photo that Clair had shown me, of him and Lucy. Just to be clear. (Obviously, you can write it better than I did! But you get the idea, right?)

I actually really, really like the ending. It's unexpected, and creepy, and I think you did a wonderful job of portraying Tammy's emotions. But, now, I realize that you spent the rest of the story (the part before Lucy came) telling us how she was so mad at him, and nothing about how Tammy was angry at Lucy. So, while it was good, I think inserting some anger at Lucy before she actually shows up would do the trick. And since Tammy is obviously a bit violent, maybe she tries to hit her boyfriend, or something? I don't know. I just think these suggestions would make the story flow a lot more cohesively.

Anyway, to sum up, expand and explain. You've got a great skeleton of a story here, but now I think you need to go back and add the flesh, the meat, and make it better than great. PM me if you have any questions, and I do hope this helps you!
-Mars