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Sinking, Thinking, Blinking

by LizzieH3


It begins,

The sinking feeling,

The over - thinking, blinking feeling.

--

It starts again,

The opening of a crowded cupboard,

The things forgotten behind the sofa.

--

It stops,

It stops,

It never stops.

--

The tight chest,

“Bad makes bad bad,” she says.

Ha!

Bads always bad.

She's just too blind,

Just too glass-half-full.

--

She feels bad,

It’s come knocking at her door,

Growing in her front garden,

She's always cut it down though.

--

I know bad,

I've accepted into my home,

Poured it tea,

Sat down to chat.

--

They are not the same,

Feeling and knowing,

Feeling is free,

Knowing is the cage that keeps us in.

--

Bad makes bad badder.

Yes,

Acknowledging bad makes bad much much badder.


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206 Reviews


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Reviews: 206

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Mon Oct 23, 2017 2:02 am
DeerInBacPac wrote a review...



Hello, E.E for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :D
So, first thing I notice is that at the part "It stops, It stops, It never stops." I feel like it would of been worded better it you inside of put "It stops, It stops, It doesn't stop." Another part that could of been worded better would be "Bads always bad." It would read better if you put "Bad is always Bad." Otherwise I noice nothing else that was wrong.

Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are talking about how you have excepted the bad thoughts and action into your life. You know the difference between the bad that can kill and the bad that harm. You know from experience. You know that knowing that there is something bad and not doing anything about it can make it worse.

Otherwise, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I need to go now, Grim has some more dead to reap and I ran out of cocoa for him.




LizzieH3 says...


Thanks for this review it was really helpful



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31 Reviews


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Reviews: 31

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Sun Oct 22, 2017 3:51 pm
singhvaibhav wrote a review...



Hey LizzieH3, your poem here is a mixture of very intense and relatable lines and some lines that could be removed, I really like these lines " Feeling and knowing", "Feeling is free", "Knowing is the cage that keeps us in". That being said there is real potential here and quite a lot of room for improvement
1. you can shorten your poem here, maybe remove few of the lines that don't seem to fit for example "she is just too blind".
2. you can dress your piece up with some better words. For example "Acknowledging bad makes bad much much badder" you could have said worse.
3. your poem is a bit confusing, to be honest. It doesn't really speak of something specific correct me if I am wrong but it seems a little too vague, you have to hit where it hurts.

All the best for your writing and this poem and I am sure you have a lot of potential




LizzieH3 says...


Thanks, I'll keep this in mind.



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364 Reviews


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Reviews: 364

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Sat Oct 21, 2017 7:24 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello LizzieH3! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
It begins

The sinking feeling

The {over-thinking}, blinking feeling{.}

--

It starts again

The opening of a crowded cupboard

The things forgotten behind the sofa{.}

--

It stops

It stops

It never stops{.}

--

The tight chest

“Bad makes bad bad{,}{s}he says

Ha{!}

Bad{'}s always bad

Just too blind

Just too glass half full {I don't get this line}

--

She feels bad

It’s come knocking at her door

Growing in her front garden

{She's a}lways cut it down though{.}

--

I know bad

I've accepted into my home

Poured it tea

Sat down to chat

--

They are not the same

Feeling and knowing

Feeling is free

Knowing the cage that keeps us away

Bad makes bad badder

Yes

Saying bad makes bad much much badder


Cute poem, but the grammar could definitely be worked on. There are also some not very powerful lines, but that could be easily worked on. My advice? Tweak with the poem a little bit. Change wording and all that. Otherwise, good job. Keep up the great work.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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