Author's note: My first writing work...well aside from screenplays. This is the first chapter of Nature of the Experiments. I'm not really sure if it's finished or not, hopefully you lot can help me decide. I tried to sound very Americanized, very New Jersey. Tell me how you like it and please leave constructive feedback. I wrote this very quickly so that I had something to post but I'll elaborate more later when I proof it myself. Thank you, your feedback is much appreciated.
Marigold looked around, not knowing exactly what to expect. Everything was normal, just as she had left it all those weeks ago. Nothing changed.
But her world seemed to be the only one distraught. Life for her had changed so quickly. She was a mess and was having a damn hard time hiding that fact.
She wished everyone around her was upset. That everyone could suffer a loss as great as she did. It was wrong for her to wish pain on people. Especially grief, grief was the worst kind of pain.
She thought for a moment finally letting it all sink in. Grandma was dead. What exactly was she suppose to do now?
“You’re talking so much, Marigold,” Aaron said, breaking her train of thoughts. He offered an understanding smile and murmured, “We should leave soon. Have you got everything?”
Marigold stared at him for a moment. Her gaze was so deep and hurtful that he had to look away.
“I don’t think I’ll ever have what I need. I need my grandmother, I need this flat.”
“You can’t stay. Now lets go, the "Price is Right" is on and I know how much you like to watch it”
She creased her eyebrows and stared at him.“I don’t watch the Price is Right..”
“We’ll you’ll watch it anyways,” he grunted as he pushed her out of her bedroom. She took one last look around the apartment. One last smell. She had touched everything before and would have licked everything as well if Aaron’s big self hadn’t been standing in the middle of the apartment looking uncomfortable as ever. “You’ll come back one day. You know that.”
“And what if I die too?” He stopped pushing her and turned her toward him and looked deep into her eyes. She felt as if his sky blue eyes was reading her soul. It was hard not to cry. But she didn’t. She wouldn’t cry anymore. She bit her lip to take a bit of the pressure off. Life was just getting so hard.
“Like I would ever let that happen,” he murmured. He sounded so sure and determined. But she knew the real reason why. He was helping her because her grandmother had asked him too. Not because he actually cared for her in any sense of the word.
She turned away from him and walked out the front door of the flat her and her grandmother had shared for thirteen years. She still remembered the day public services brought her there. She closed and locked the front door. Aaron was waiting patiently by the stairs with her things. She was so happy that he was there with her. It would have been hard for her to leave all this by herself.
Aaron had worked for her grandmother for almost three years. He was a loyal and hardworking man who loved and respected her grandmother very much. He was so young but he would have done anything for her grandma. Even give up his own life.
Which he was sort of doing by taking on Marigold as his ward. Was she his ward? The whole situation was to complicated to understand the details.
She began climbing down the stairs, going slow in order to make sure that she wouldn’t fall. “Do you think it’s safe to go out the front way,” Marigold asked, still descending slowly and cautiously. This could possibly be her last walk down these steps and she intended to savor it.
“Faster,” Aaron growled. He must have been so exasperated with her by this point. They had spent all their time together since the day she found out about her grandmother and she knew what Aaron thought of her. She was annoying, she’d always been annoying to him.
“I’m being careful not to step on the spider houses!”
“You—“ Aaron began to shout but Marigold decided to save him the trouble and continued down the steps a bit faster. “Marigold if you’re going to fall. Fall,” he sighed, impatient with her cautious attempt to go down the stairs.
And then she tripped tumbling down almost the whole last flight of stairs. He stared at her, his mouth wide and on a the brink of laughter. She stared back up at him in astonishment. This was his fault. She closed her eyes to fight the rage that she was about to release. He was howling with laughter now.
“This,” he managed through the fits of laugher, “isn’t my fault!” She just wanted to smack him. He had ruined her ceremonial walk down the stairs. “Don’t even think it!”
“I’m going to kick your ass,” she glowered and picked herself up hastily. There would be a bruise a major bruise on her elbow. “You are by far the most annoying creature on earth.”
But her proclamation only seemed to make him laugh harder. “Shut up before you wake up half of the building,” she cried.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said and tried to stifle his laughter. He wiped the tears from his eyes.
“I thought snakes were the most annoying creatures on earth,” he said seriously but the laughter was still present in his eyes.
“Somehow you’ve managed to surpass snakes,” she scowled as they walked out the building doors and into the smoggy, humid New Jersey air.
“Do I get a prize?” he asked. Why was everything concerning her such a joke to him?
Suddenly, something felt wrong. Fear was trickling down her spine again as it had done many times in the last few weeks. She stopped in her tracks and peered down the road.
What,” he asked urgently. She had forgotten all about his last statement. “What’s wrong.” His eyes glanced toward the direction her’s were facing.
“Nothing. We just need to get out of here and take an extremely long route doing it.” she whispered too quickly for him to understand.
“What,” he asked, dumbfounded.
“Let’s go,” she ordered and grabbed his arm pulling him down the street.
“Long route? I know a long route. We’ll have to go through allies and maybe dip into the sewers for a bit.”
“Not that extreme,” she corrected, still not slowing her fast walk. Someone would be coming down those streets for them. She felt it in her bones and that just pushed her harder. They had to get out there and fast.
“That’s the only route I know to Coleman’s place,” he stopped her and shrugged, “I don’t go there often, we don’t get along you know.”
She knew all about Aaron and Coleman’s love hate relationship. She blinked for a moment and teared her eyes away from the road. If she went with Aaron, Coleman would surely put them out on his doorstep. “And you’re going to spend the night at his place?”
“It’s not like I haven’t before” he replied nonchalantly. He looked worried too and his tone was very low, almost a whisper. He felt it to.
“You had better be civil,” she warned. She had moved so close to him unconsciously. His face was only inches from hers. She stopped and caught her breath and quickly stepped away from him. He was so intimidating when they were caught in those rare moments. She didn’t know why.
“I’m always civil,” he proceeded. His brilliant blue eyes trailed the path of the road."it’s Coleman who’s not the gentleman.” he said but he sounded like he was barely paying attention to what had just said.
“You are both pigs which is why I wonder why the two of you don’t get on.” his eyes came back to her, sparkling from her comment. She had to look away quickly before they drew her back in again.
“Start walking,” he ordered. “Walk in front of me but more towards my left." He turned to check what was behind them. There was nothing but dirty pavement. "If you fall, I do not want to go down with you."
“Mentally stabbing you,” she cried but did as he said. He laughed. Did he not know how much she hated his laughter? “Stab, Stab, Stab” she sang. But she was far too deep in this hell to get out now.
[[LIZZARD]]
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hiya!
Hmph. JK. 
I'm Storm and I shall review your story for you. Though there is not much to review because Pippiedooda took it all!
Anyways I really liked this. It was interesting, and suspenseful. Some things though (sorry if I repeat anything, I didn't read Pippiedooda's review.) how old is Marigold and Aaron? What's her family situation? She is living with her Grandma but where is her parents? I didn't really understand her situation with Aaron. Is she suppose to live with him? Is she moving away somewhere else?
Flat? What is that? Oh. Is that suppose to be a house or something? Sorry. >.<
Period at the end.
I didn't really know who was saying this. I'm guessing Marigold but. And I don't know why she says this. Aaron doesn't care if she dies or not right? Only cause her Grandma told her to take care of her. Plus why is Aaron so close to her Grandma? He works for him but still.
I thought she didn't like him. At all.
Um I don't know what you call it but I call it spider webs. Just to make it more Americanny.
No a.
Okay thats all I'll do. Hope this helps. PM me if you write more or have any questions. I like it a lot, just give a little more on personalities and maybe how Marigold looks?
Good job!
-Storm
Hi
I thought this was really good! I like how it becomes more creepy towards the end, this piece is well written too 
I'm not sure about 'looked around', I think its a bit vague and a kind of uncaring motion, perhaps you could extend upon it more or change it a bit. You could use this opportunity to say more on the flat but I can understand if you want to leave that all to later, maybe something like 'Marigold stared at the room before her, not knowing exactly what to expect.' As the staring kind of shows the shock she is under.
I'm not that keen on the use of 'distraught' here, 'in tatters' or 'in turmoil' might work well as possible replacements.
I think 'did' should be 'had' or 'suffer' should be 'be suffering'
I'd add a comma after 'moment'.
'suppose' should be 'supposed'.
I'm not sure about describing her gaze as 'hurtful'- are you describing that the gaze showed her hurt or was hurtful to him? I think it would be better to maybe replace it with pained/sorrowful/mournful/filled with pain or something similar. (That's if it is referring to her pain, which I think would work better here)
The first sentence seems a bit jerky with the double use of 'and'. I'd maybe get rid of the second one, replacing it with a comma and changing 'looked' to 'looking'. 'toward' should be 'towards' and 'was reading' should be 'were reading'. I'm not that keen on the repetition of 'eyes', I think you could possible rephrase it (only if you wanted too though obviously) to something like-
'He stopped pushing her and turned her towards him, looking deep into her eyes with his own. She felt as if the sky blue was able to read her soul.'
That way you could avoid it
I'd make this all one sentence as you have quite a few short sentences in this paragraph, so changing the full stop to a comma.
Its not that clear what you are referring to when you say 'the real reason why', I think you could add more to make it clearer, like 'But she knew the real reason why he was there.' I'd maybe change the full stop here to a dash too.
This is confusing as she turns away from Aaron and then he is waiting in front of her
I'd maybe rephrase 'She still remembered the day public services brought her there.' to something like 'she could still remember the day public services had brought her there.' to run a bit smoother.
I think you could maybe connect 'She closed and locked the front door' with 'Aaron was waiting patiently by the stairs with her things' as the sentences in this paragraph all tend to be a bit short and I think it would be effective to have some longer ones. You also say 'she' quite a lot where I think you could say her actual name instead. Maybe you could join them by saying something like this
'Closing and locking the front door, Marigold turned to find Aaron waiting patiently by the stairs with her things.'
That would also show the motion of her actually turning to face him
As what? You never explain this sentence, I think you could maybe extend it just a little to include what he actually worked for her grandmother doing.
I'd leave out the 'so' here as he is obviously not that young from how you have described him so far. I think you may need to change the last sentence as her grandmother is dead so it would be in the past tense- 'Even have given up his own life.'
'to' should be 'too'.
I'm not sure about 'going slow', maybe 'stepping slow' would work better. You need to change the comma at the end of the speech to a question mark as it is a question she is asking and I'd maybe just have the last bit as 'Marigold asked, still descending cautiously' as you have already used slow to describe her movements.
Like before, I'm not that fond of 'go down' you could say something better, like 'walk' that specify her movements whereas 'go' could mean anything. Sorry I'm being very picky here
I think you need a comma after 'tripped'.
You need to get rid of the 'a' before 'the brink of laughter' and I'd maybe add 'open' after 'mouth wide'. I'm not sure about repeating 'stared' here either, maybe you could change one of them to something similar?
I think you need to separate 'a major bruise' a bit form the rest of the sentence, either using two commas or two dashes.
I'm not sure about 'proclamation'- it brings to mind a speech or announcement and I'm not sure if that works here, maybe something like 'insult' or referring to her emotions like 'her anger' or 'her hatred'. As she is crying the last part I'd maybe change the comma to an exclamation mark.
I'd maybe change the firsts sentence to something like this- 'he apologised, trying to stifle his laughter.' as he would already be trying to stifle the laughter whilst talking and apologised might sound better than said
I'm not sure about 'was still present in his eyes' maybe 'still twinkled/shone/glinted/glimmered in his eyes' might work better.
At the end of both of these questions there needs to be question marks. I'm not sure about 'statement'- maybe 'insult/taunt/mocking comment or that sort of thing.
Again, the comma needs to be a question mark.
There needs to be a comma after arm.
I'd maybe reword this to say something like 'she felt it in her bones, pushing her harder.'
I don't really get why he stops here. They were just in a panic and trying to hurry so I wouldn't thin he would stop, or shrug really.
I'm a bit confused here about whether you mean he would not let them in or he would- if he would then maybe something like 'put them up' would make more sense. It sounds from this like he wouldn't but from the rest of the conversation it sounds like he would let them in.
'to' should be 'too'.
Instead of 'so close', 'closer' might sound better here.
I'd maybe change the full stop here to a coma and perhaps add 'but' before 'she didn't know why'.
I'm not sure about 'proceeded' here, maybe 'protested' would be a more appropriate word to use.
I'd reword this sentence a little, maybe 'He said but he sounded like he was barely paying attention to what words he spoke.' That way you are not repeating 'said'. If you do keep the previous sentence though, I think you need 'he' before 'had just said'.
'sparkling' doesn't sound right to me here its kind of a pretty thing whereas I kind of got the impression that this was more of a dangerous look- so maybe 'glinting' or another description.
I understand whats going on here and I think it works but at first it comes across a bit oddly- or at least it did to me. I'd maybe add 'I'm' before 'Mentally stabbing you' and add an exclamation mark on the end as she is crying it instead of a comma
Overall: Sorry the nitpicks are so long! I actually really enjoyed this, its not like the ordinary gushy romance types as you have the hint of something dangerous and mysterious going on
I'm sorry to say it but I think you need to work more on Aaron's character- he seems to chop and change a lot throughout this and I found it kind of confusing. At first he is sympathetic and then he turns all horrible but then he's all jokey, its a bit odd. I think you could make him a bit more consistent, or perhaps describe or comment on his swings of mood. Like when he is being kind you could explain that Marigold could see he was making an effort to be extra nice as it wasn't really like him. When they are joking around as well its like the grandmother has been forgotten- I think you need to mention it maybe a bit. Like she could feel guilty or something for forgetting momentarily about her grandmothers death. I don't think it would really go so quickly from her mind.
I think you could describe the flat a bit more with little things, for instance showing how ornaments in the room cause a moments sadness as they bring back memories, things like that. I think you could possible add more description to Aaron, I haven't really got much of a sense of his age or how he looks or his voice, just by adding details in (like with the eyes which I think you managed well
When they are walking, as I have already mentioned I'm not sure why they would stop when they were so intent on moving before. Perhaps you could change that part so they carry on moving and talking at the same time or when he stops her she could object that they are not walking but stop anyway? Its up to you
I noticed that quite a few times you use short sentence- which can be really good to create the tension of the moment but if overly used don't have that much of an affect. I'd vary your sentence lengths a bit more at these points, perhaps connecting a few. You also say 'he' and 'she' quite a bit where their names might be better to use.
I do think the storyline is really good so far though! All my comments are just suggestions so ignore me if you like, hope I've helped!