My Sweet Love, please be by my side.
Let the fears of this fragile heart subside.
My Precious Dear, please tap my shoulder.
Teach my spirit to be firm and bolder.
Please, quiet my troubled soul;
Paranoia strikes like a burning coal.
Please hug me tightly and secure me.
Place me in the mighty hands of Thee.
I feel so scared and weary,
Tiresome and worries I want to bury.
Oh please Daddy, hold my hand.
My heart beats as loud as a band.
Ashamed of myself, I humbly asked;
In Your arms, I want to be cradled.
Let my heart beat for You,
Don’t wanna be sad as blue.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey!!!!! Dogs here to give you your review for the day! So, this is a great poem with lots of potential. This has some great aspects to it and your message and idea is great. But there are somethings in this poem that need a little work. I agree with everything said above. Firstly, this poem does need a little "umph" and you probably don't know what that means so i'll explain what i mean. Basically i am suggesting that you make this poem have a bigger impact on the reader. There are several ways to do this. I would suggest you do it the more imagist poet style (partially cause i'm bias towards that and it's how i write most of the time), try to paint a strong image in the readers head. Use imaginative words to make us see what is happening. You can describe your fathers big strong arms and help us understand why it is they are a source of comfort to you.
Another way you could write is with emotion. A little harder to do, writing an emotion, but done properly it can make a damn good poem. Tell us how you feel, you have scratched the surface of the kind of emotional writing style, use stronger words, broaden your vocabulary to make the reader feel what you are feeling. The "Paranoia Strikes me like a burning coal" line is an excellent example of strong emotional writing.
The other style is one not too many people use, with sounds. Make the reader hear the sound you are conveying. But i don't think that style could really help with this style of poetry and this topic. But if you like you can always incorporate something in there such as hurtful voices screaming at you or someone or something hurting you.
Now building off of the comment above. he is absolutely right, a lot of your lines seemed force and out of place just because you are trying to rhyme. Now rhyme can be good and make a poem sound great, but it can also be bad for the poem when it sounds like the lines are forced and don't really fit in.
Now for the small nitpicks, in the beginning of the second stanza when you say
"Please quiet my troubled soul"
This is a good line but you should mix around your vocabulary to make this a great line. For example you could say "Please soothe my troubled soul" or "Please heal my troubled soul" or "Please heal my broken soul" there are a thousand different ways to say this line in a stronger way to make the reader feel this emotion. See what you are describing, or hear what you are hearing. I hope this helps, this is a good piece and can be a great piece. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Well hello there...nice poem!
Firstly, I have some nitpicks (as always).
So, I would normally proceed to warn you about the dangers of writing a poem that rhymes--and this holds true here. Most of the way through, your rhymes are pretty strong, but as can be seen above, there are definitely problems with the rhyme scheme and these detract from the general meaning of the poem.
That being said, I like the rhyme scheme for this poem and think that it is important to have. But, I think you need to be careful with it and use it properly.
Finally, I agree with Zaid that you're missing a little zing...a little oomph here. Something clever, witty, heartbreaking--whatever it may be to really draw your reader in (I know, it's a tall order).
Please don't consider any of my nitpicks or comments as negatives--just improvable things. I encourage you to continue with this--it has potential. Nice writing!
Sarebear
Hi,
I like the idea portrayed in the poem but you've missed out an essential part, you've got to grab the reader, enthrall him/her, and there's only one way to do it, by your vocab, I don't recommend a very flamboyant vocabulary to be used but use color words, by color words I mean words that breath a life into your work, good adjectives etc.
Keep trying, Nice work.
7/10
Sincerely, Zaid Ansari.