Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic


wariness

by Liz


(supposing life is inherently black, like the
shadows od his hair) suppose life
clicks into place on your lips and kills all colour -
- the peachy pink of your cushiony lips,
and edges into your mouth to burn
the thick red plush of your tongue,
turning it into the deep blackness of letters on snowing white pages.

now, suppose life sings the most meloncholy of all songs,
and draws blood through the eyes like
drawing a purely blue kiss from your tongue.
glitter black sparkles singing from life's cavern of a mouth.
obscene lyrics and drum beats and guitars like
nails scratching on a blackboard.

(so, supposing life lives within each one of us,
watch the sun drool its eggy rays on us,
the wind hobble around everyone,
the blue sky unravel and expose loose stitches,
just think about what life truly is.
think twice about dancing in the sunlight,
spreading your arms in the wind and exhibiting your vulnerability,
about kissing in the rain.
for black life could be biding its time,
baring its teeth and licking its lips,
picking you out with its blood-red radar.)
why else do you think i sleep within the shadows?
written: Thursday 1st April, 2004.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
67 Reviews


Points: 593
Reviews: 67

Donate
Mon Jan 24, 2011 11:59 am
PandaRawr wrote a review...



Wow. This has some serious emotion going on. Now I'm guessing three things. Either your pessimistic (I'm with you), something bad happened and you are not to happy with "life" right now, or your just a really good writer. Considering this is YWS I'll swing towards the third one. This means you get into your writing. The reader believes what you say, and thinks you do too. The imagry was great if a little hard to follow. You were right on the edge of my brain shutting down from information overload.
I'm sorry if this isn't what you were lokking for. I saw a couple of grammer mistakes and the such but I prefer to review on the piece itself.
Overall this was good but remember what I said about overload.
Always/Writer




User avatar
1259 Reviews


Points: 18178
Reviews: 1259

Donate
Fri Jan 14, 2005 9:12 pm
View Likes
Firestarter wrote a review...



Imagery at it's best. But also far too mcuh of it. The old adage "Quality not Quantity" seems to be have been exchanged for "Quality AND Quantity". It's pretty hard to work out the point of this poem while I struggle to understand most of the abstraction.




User avatar
665 Reviews


Points: 6165
Reviews: 665

Donate
Fri Jan 14, 2005 3:16 pm
Chevy says...



I agree with Brad (Incandescence). You did have a lot of imaging. However, it was good and I especially liked the part about the kissing in the rain (yes, I am very romantic at times). I liked this though. Very original...interesting.




User avatar
915 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 915

Donate
Mon Jan 03, 2005 6:47 pm
Incandescence wrote a review...



Whoa...

Image overload. Not a bad thing, but it's hard to follow the poem with so many colors popping into and out of existence all at once. The point of the poem got jumbled in the blend of the colors and pixie dust fairy tales. Perhaps you should focus more on plot than colors. Either way, you did a great job with images.





Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
— Quentin Crisp