Published January 3, 2005
(supposing life is inherently black, like the
shadows od his hair) suppose life
clicks into place on your lips and kills all colour -
- the peachy pink of your cushiony lips,
and edges into your mouth to burn
the thick red plush of your tongue,
turning it into the deep blackness of letters on snowing white pages.
now, suppose life sings the most meloncholy of all songs,
and draws blood through the eyes like
drawing a purely blue kiss from your tongue.
glitter black sparkles singing from life's cavern of a mouth.
obscene lyrics and drum beats and guitars like
nails scratching on a blackboard.
(so, supposing life lives within each one of us,
watch the sun drool its eggy rays on us,
the wind hobble around everyone,
the blue sky unravel and expose loose stitches,
just think about what life truly is.
think twice about dancing in the sunlight,
spreading your arms in the wind and exhibiting your vulnerability,
about kissing in the rain.
for black life could be biding its time,
baring its teeth and licking its lips,
picking you out with its blood-red radar.)
why else do you think i sleep within the shadows?
written: Thursday 1st April, 2004.
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140,874 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
Wow. This has some serious emotion going on. Now I'm guessing three things. Either your pessimistic (I'm with you), something bad happened and you are not to happy with "life" right now, or your just a really good writer. Considering this is YWS I'll swing towards the third one. This means you get into your writing. The reader believes what you say, and thinks you do too. The imagry was great if a little hard to follow. You were right on the edge of my brain shutting down from information overload.
I'm sorry if this isn't what you were lokking for. I saw a couple of grammer mistakes and the such but I prefer to review on the piece itself.
Overall this was good but remember what I said about overload.
Always/Writer
Imagery at it's best. But also far too mcuh of it. The old adage "Quality not Quantity" seems to be have been exchanged for "Quality AND Quantity". It's pretty hard to work out the point of this poem while I struggle to understand most of the abstraction.
I agree with Brad (Incandescence). You did have a lot of imaging. However, it was good and I especially liked the part about the kissing in the rain (yes, I am very romantic at times). I liked this though. Very original...interesting.
Whoa...
Image overload. Not a bad thing, but it's hard to follow the poem with so many colors popping into and out of existence all at once. The point of the poem got jumbled in the blend of the colors and pixie dust fairy tales. Perhaps you should focus more on plot than colors. Either way, you did a great job with images.