Published April 8, 2005
it's okay watching people trying to be arty with huge square white plates
chicken drenched in cinammin ivory rice and vibrant green bock-choy.
food has its fashion did you know?
right now it's trendy to have
tiny servings on gigantic plates sounds stupid to me and the whole eastmeetswest thing's cool too.
it's okay sharing calculators during maths tests
and getting ma error the whole darn time when i press shift cos.
my whisper's a whisper and nobody minds.
hey if i got the last question right
then great if not it's irrevocable it's invisible it's amazingly dix jours.
it's okay getting back french writing tasks which are littered with bright red
ticks words accents scribbles-thru hey at least "bien écrit!" is written bigger.
she's like am i forgiven it's not
like you lost my soul don't worry about it.
anyone else wouldn't give a damn if they lost my work geez, mr jones? give me a break.
it's okay kicking cans of passiona out from under my feet on the bus.
it's tess' problem now but she's wearing sparkling crucifix earrings and has honeystreakedhair.
she should be able to handle it.
a burst of sunlight i don't
welcome it i'd rather have blazing thunder so alive like my hate and the calender.
written: Monday 6th September 2004, 8:04pm.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,393 Literary Works • 672,114 Reviews
Hey there.
I've reviewed a few pieces of your poetry, just based on the populations posting in these years. I'm looking at some of my notes from other poems and you are more a fan of dramatic imagery, which is actually doing pretty good in this case. Even with how dark it was sloped and with the cynical voice, I still liked the presence and it does give off a nice feel to the audience. It fits in nicely to the mood and the tone, which are more casual than what I usually find.
The first issue for me comes with the formatting that you have of prose poetry, which is something hard to pull off. You're certainly on a good starting path with the metaphors, providing more of the elements that point towards poetry. But the structure is messing up the feel that I should be getting with its lack of uniform lines. It's a bit harder to approach here because you are pretty consistent and using something out side of the standard form. But the issue is still there and you could deal with shifting the lines and wording around a bit.
I talked a bit about the wording above and how it's pushing several things towards the audience, but I also feel like it's holding the emotional value back. The effort put into making it so it seems like the narrator couldn't give one, puts forth an entirely different image for the audience to view. I'm not sure if the contrast in wording and message was purposeful, but I do see it being potentially harmful to how the poem is viewed.
So a quick run down of the issues:
- structure
- wording
- message
That's all I've got for now.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
I liked the style of this, it's so juvenile (sp?). The lack of commas and grammar in places created something that otherwise would have been crap if the whole concept wasn't so well thought out and different to what I've read from you before, yet kind of similar. This stands out from the rest of your work, so keep experimenting.