Published June 30, 2005
i started crying
"one, swallow water, two, swallow water."
i could maybe do twenty-eight or more
in a minute then eject it.
it's all for practise and if black hangs
its curtains, it's just a bonus.
why?
it whispered through the darkness
of after-school bedroom exhaustion.
he never specified. only said
it could be any one of us. in fact, one out of three.
i looked either side of me: janelle and sarah.
one of us, one day, one swerve
in the direction of adamant change
as we shed skin and watch through illicit eyes.
it's not always the guy in the balaclava,
it's the guy with his arm around you at
one am, breathing softly and feeling downright good.
why?
god we look vulnerable, like our
heels are made of cotton.
"It's no good just grabbing any woman - some of them
fight back. I only wanted the ones who came
willingly,
freely."
did you?
you think you can, you think you can't?
you're always right.
heavy nightness devoid of soberity
in a deserted park, shadowed figures
seen by none but the trees and dark's
blanket overhead. it's not cold.
and one thing saved her. a simple
question and remembering his words:
"when no doesn't work, try yes."
and he was like a dog at her feet,
following her back to the party in all his
testosterone-drowned stupidity.
she used her schoolgirl intelligence.
yes, unbelievably, she's a schoolgirl.
the ones who beg and plead and
submit. they follow the script.
sorry.
"it'll never be me." cries, lies, goodbyes.
hot, shut-out light, daytime noises
out the window. and me, apologetic?
it's not fault, sometimes i get unfairly blamed.
i chisel a smile across my face.
pack it all up into a dusty, brown case.
step back in line, in time with the race.
just another sparked-up, shimmering,
hand-on-the-trigger article of date rape.
written: Tuesday 16th November 2004, 6:38pm.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,413 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
Ooh, a poem with an interesting title! *reads*
OK, here's the verdict:
I thought the poem flowed nicely, and the lines were well balanced. However, I began rhyming at the end, and the rest didn't. You have some mistakes with punctuation (capitalize those 'i's!) and you used some words that seemed out of context. Ex:
first of all, nightness isn't a word. I also think you meant sobriety. But combing a kiddy non-word like nightness and then a big one like sobriety? It just doesn't work.
overall, nice work, and with some editing, this poem could turn out well.
I really liked this poem, it was good.
It attempts to convey something real, and yet it retains that poetic element.
I actually liked all of it except the last line about date rape, it seemed to me the poem would
be more strong if it was left slightly more ambiguous at the end. I also would of left out the names of the people,
just labeled them as friends or something. But that is me, and this is your poem.
I liked this, continue
I understood your poem little too well for my own good. People say it will never happen to them, that they know how to say no and it ends like that. Your piece brought back old memories that i pushed away for so long and your poem helped me i a small way. It was very good and it seemed to just flow. I liked it.
I didn't understand it until the very end, plus the end rhymed and the rest didn't, but I did like the ending---the rest was too confusing for me
drab/lengthy/narrative
i try not to be so negative. i try...