Published May 2, 2005
simple lists made on the back
of complex black and white medical mixtures of letters
just outline the date in bold, livid marker.
the weak, spindly second hand of the clock
jerks around and around, mockingly constant.
today it's coastal management, it's charles
darwin it's a charred hunk of tu as un
petit ami or tu as beaucoup d'amis?
i answer the dizzy questions, i type with
whirring fingers, i recall with falsehood and silence.
this morbidly beautiful place, is this the same
as my dream place? scattered with
living stars and blonde universes zigzagging
in and out of reality? this, my dream
place, which i believed to be lurking but
never to expose itself?
when daybreak gushes into friday morning,
will all be voiceless, songless, cryless?
will i be clouded in maroon, and will i be
the only one not sheathed in immense blue?
i want to be that little girl in the pink, flowery
halter-neck summer dress, soaring on
a swing, my feet alleviant and bare, my mouth open
to catch the air i think is utterly, beautifully, pinkly pure.
written: Sunday 12th September 2004, 9:54pm.
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I'm not sure I like the repetition of around - I would take the second one out.
I like the line break between Charles and Darwin, and I know you don't use capitals throughout the piece, but when the name isn't capitalized I feel it draws attention to in in a more negative way.
Again, I like your line breaks here - when you finished the question in the second line and started the next sentence, then broke it. Not sure about the image of "blonde universes" though. I like the continuous questions in this stanza, and "sheathed in immense blue" is also nice.
Great finishing stanza, I love this image, and particularly the last two lines. Also the rhyming of "my feet alleviant and bare, my mouth open/to catch the air..."
Good job, as always.
The flow on this was rocky, and didn't work too well for me, making it a tedious read and one which I thought afterwards; What was that actually about? When the flow is skewed and jumpy, it makes the actually writing meaningless and something of which the reader will not really let sink in.
I also think you need to review your punctuation and imagary, as these also worked in ways which were tedious and slightly boring.
I hope this helps.