Young Writers Society

Hey there Liz.
It's lizz here to review.
Sorry, couldn't resist that.
I'm on a campaign for revmo to review as many pieces of poetry that I can, that never got proper reviews in their past life.

In this piece, the audience is obviously focusing a lot on the format because it's very flashy and constantly jumping out at the reader. I haven't read (or written for that matter) many pieces that took advantage of what some people call the "wave style". It's very tricky to work with and to be honest, I don't think you entirely grasped onto it here. This is a very good try and I haven't read much else of your poetry, but I do know it's quite different from the other pieces I glanced at.

The issue with this structure, that the other reviewers did point out, is that you're splitting and splicing the words. It does start to become a pain to the reader, even though in the beginning i was digging the artsy vibe that came with the writing. After awhile though, I'm concentrating more on the structure than I am on the content. The words fade out and the obnoxiousness of the line splits amps up the neon.

A more minor thing is that the wave style is mostly used with water imagery, some of which is relevant here but not completely. They give off a different effect than you were looking for and do to some of the shifts in formatting that came along with the publishing center, the design didn't stay intact.
That's why the final line is split in two but was obviously meant to be one line in the beginning. To fix that issue, it would be easier to just create a larger space for dramatic effect and hope for the best.
It's kind of unfortunate that your formatting was lifted so much when going from forum to publishing center, but that's yws life?

I still don't have a good idea of the concept you were going for, simply because the design distracted me and gave me a head ache.
I guess that's all I have to say.
Happy Revmo,
- lizz

This was brilliant, Liz. So fresh and original. The format was really interesting and you used stream-of-conciousness to great effect. I especially loved;

"so your eyes can become an oil-painting again cause i'm kind
of sick of the new you you with the red eyelashes and the
black lips which hold the tiniest droplets driplets of red".

The ending was great, and your imagery is amazing throughout.

Jas

I really liked this. At first I think that the format sort of took away from the beauty of the poem but then I just sort of forgot about the form and read the words as they were. Wonderful. The repetition also helped the overall poem. My favorite line...considering there wasn't a least favorite part was:

your eyes can become an oil-painting again cause i'm kind
of sick of the new you you with the red eyelashes and the
black lips which hold the tiniest droplets driplets of red
rain pink rain you reflect in the coke puddles on the
city streets you reflect the pastels of the real
world real world lie sky lie sky you pick
up your brick and hurl it at the sky
and by god it never comes down

Your use of colors as emotions and overall descriptions is really nice. Yay you! Keep writing!

Keep it up!
~Rieda

This is a really amazing piece. I don't care greatly for the format, I think it makes it difficult to read, but visually it's very pleasing. I would love to hear this read aloud. Great job!

This is good stream of consciousness poetry, and I like the form you put it in. You do a good job of relating the visual imagery through text and through structure!

Overall, I liked it.