this is how I used to be –
writing in longhand, being present only because I wasn’t absent,
wishing for remission, not quite getting there.
it reminds me of the time I tasted your tin in winter.
the time I hated you like a cold bullet,
lodged in the head of an ill person.
this is how I am –
seething in icicles, frozen syllables,
all that you have dabbled in your slag
and looped over me, like tinsel, or slugs,
or slopping vomit on citystreets. sick
I am, of your greasy housebeats.
this is how I used to be –
screaming touching tasting
ceaseless as quaffing wine. god fuck your stillness,
lazy blood like dark fruit, and your excuses.
your excuses! cheap as your thinnest vodka,
am I supposed to nod and exit, like an actress?
who, on closing night, does not accept her wage,
but vanishes, westward, and dissolves?
this is how I am – topped with films
I play back on my way to work, now,
as the train churns through the snow.
I cannot kill you, though it is fashionable.
this is how I see it –
you are what I’m not,
our air is two-sided, we are
diplocardiac.
you lay in the quiet, drinking, spewing perhaps.
I stand in the cold, and wait for you to need me.
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Critiquing a critique isn't exactly condoned...
I liked the poem, but I'm not entirely sure what it was about. It seemed to have a kind of a beauty to it though. It had an overwhelming amount of punctuation, and a large absence of capitalization which bothers me in general...
I liked your reference to an actress, perhaps that is my kind of thing. But I still felt it was pretty, whether it was missing something or not, which I couldn't quite put my finger on.
Hope that helped you, though I don't think it did...
^I was afraid it was being overused.
I've never had a critique be critiqued before.
hm
"you put commas after a few line breaks. You don't need them. A stop is implied after every line." - not necessarily. A comma is still grammatically relevant and is therefore required. It can, however, be omitted using poetic licence. In this case they are fine.
I question some of your word choices in the first stanza... Tin doens't seem to fit, and neither does 'ill person' i'm not sure if you mean sick person, or crazy person, but there are much better words for what you are trying to say. Instead of "i tasted your tin" you could reword it to say, "I tasted your metallic lips," or something like that. that would be a really interesting image...and you wouldn't sacrifice what you are already trying to say.
seething in icicles doesn't provide an action or an image that the reader can grasp too, causing them to stumble into the next few lines confused. You need to clarify that first line... it simply doesn't make sense. Also, dabbled in your slag? That's another blow...causing more confusion. However, there are some promising qualities in this stanza. The next line about tinsel and slugs is awesome, and the next about vomit is good, and the ending is strong. Just try to start it as strong as you leave it.
The third stanza... also a problem that i've noticed consistently...is that you put commas after a few line breaks. You don't need them. A stop is implied after every line. The biggest weakness of the third stanza is its ending. You end on the weakest part of the weakest line. I'd invert that sentence, put it somewhere else, and add some sort of a feeling, image, or idea at the end.
The fourth stanza...is possibly the strongest. A little rough for the first couple lines... but a great idea. I'd def. clarify that idea about films being played back. Right now its a little... odd...seems sloppy. The last part, about trains churning and fashionable killing, is fantastic. I question your word choice a little on the last line... perhaps murder or something more graphic, but its good how it is. If you feel you'd like to change it, then by all means.
And finally, the ultimate stanza, The repetition isn't as bad as most, so it doesn't hurt the poem significantly. The middle part about polarity and two sidedness is really promising. I'd like to see more words like diplocardiac in the other stanzas! If you have that kind of vocabulary at your command, then you should use it!
And...the ending is really weak. Strengthen it, and I'd say this is a pretty good piece