Published May 22, 2005
snatches of bright cotton sliding off to the south, pinned
onto chocolat bleu Parisien just aches with paix.
it's more than the dull cocoa of the Eiffel Tower
which is watching over my plait, nectarines, orangina.
it's the sun on my back, it's cold breath on my neck, it's faint horns on my skin.
tiny laughter mingles with high bird cries
and the tower symbolises chocolat blanc and baguettes and camembert.
hands are entwined as bodies lie together on the grass of Paris,
hot watermelon sun on roxy jeans, dotted scars, chocolat chaud hair
laid out on the lime blanket.
pigeons pecking at specks of food,
chalk-white butterflies sitting on the strawberry breeze too strong for pretty unimportance.
it's sunday and everything i miss is waiting for me.
written: Sunday 26th September 2004, 1:00pm.
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139,531 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey again Liz.
It looks like heavy imagery is continuing to be an issue for you and really it could be worse. It's weird for me to waltz into a review, look at the main problem and inform someone that it's not that bad. But that's the truth.
The heavy imagery use it starting to concern me as a trend in your poems because this usually means relying on the pretty images, over looking at the actual concept. As far as I can tell from my several read throughs of the poem, this was supposed to be some level of sappy romance. And I don't mean to judge like that immediately because the speaker isn't calling out a "you", but several of the imagery points have a lot of history behind them. Here's a just a few of the lines that really bothered me.
As the next to final line, I would be expecting this to be much stronger, instead of introducing yet another idea. Once you start that downward slope to the end, the poem should be tying up loose ends in the imagery, but it looks like you decided to point it in another way. I see how food and colors were an important part of the above imagery, where it looks like everything was going to have a dual meaning to it. I just don't care too much for this one and how it decided to work together.
And another thing that bothers me a bit about your style is always including the time stamps, which just seems a bit over the top? It changes the sound of the poem and I don't like the feel it puts to the reader. Especially since this poem was published in June of 2005 but you're claiming it to be written in September of 2004, and it's seeming like you haven't edited it all.
So consider that man.
That's all I've got for today.
happy revmo.
- lizz
Too much imagery and not enough substance.
It confused me a bit, but I liked the words and imagery you used. The poem was so pretty, even though I was confused.