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beneath the skin

by Liz

groggy blood wanders sleepily in my veins,
hauling its great load and never safe
from the papery, flimsy film of my white skin.
it is hardly immortal; rather weak and
defenceless if you look at the way
my stringy blue veins are so clear beneath the
sheer paleness of skin layers;
vulnerable blueness quite like the unprotected
gentle blue of the daytime sky.

pulse shudders, drumming rhythmically, so firm and rigorous
like the electric rays of the sun which clutched the world today.
my pulse flings itself out at the skin of my neck,
exploding from the inside, and beating,
ever-beating, energetic and never tiresome,
unlike the night tonight, how it
sighs wearily, sick of the monotony, the plethora of days.
vibrating throb on my wrist breathes, "life, life, life."

deep red heartbeat pumps crisply inside my chest,
pounding and writhing more musically than my pulse,
altering tone, pace, pitch with every new season's breath.
it is the epicentre of all, my heart.
its long, thin, red fingers stretching to all corners,
nothing escapes its grasp, and with the low thumps it
inflicts each time it exhales, it is no wonder everything
obeys, for who could defy such authority, who knows better
than this dominion which takes life by the neck and throttles it out of sleep?
written: Thursday 26th March, 2004, 10:54pm.

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137 Reviews

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Reviews: 137

Wed May 21, 2008 4:27 am
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Summerless wrote a review...

defenceless if you look at the way

Defenseless doesn't have a 'c.' Replace it with an 's'.

my stringy blue veins are so clear beneath the

sheer paleness of skin layers;

vulnerable blueness quite like the unprotected

gentle blue of the daytime sky.

You used "blue" three times in the same stanza. Typically this devalues the magic the word has in the poem. Try replacing are omitting two of them--unless you purposely used "blue" more than once.

Besides those two things I'd change, w-o-w. The imagery is vivid in this piece of writing. Beautiful.

- Summerless <3

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203 Reviews

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Reviews: 203

Wed May 21, 2008 3:01 am
October Girl wrote a review...

This post is amazing, you have a great imaganation. I think that this might be some of the best work I've seen in a couple of weeks, whihc is good, this is fresh. I haven't seen work like this in a while. I'm really porud to say I have nothing judgemental to say about this piece. I love your title too, it drew me in right away.


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86 Reviews

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Reviews: 86

Mon May 19, 2008 10:51 pm
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dommy65 says...

Okay that is probably one of the best things I've read on the site. Your metaphors were absolutely amazing.
Submit more, man they're great!

- Domenique

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55 Reviews

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Reviews: 55

Mon May 19, 2008 10:38 pm
Vampy_Girl15 wrote a review...

This was good. :D I liked it a lot.
There were some words that could've been changed but all in all this is a great poem. I hope you're thinking a bout publishing it.
All the best!


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37 Reviews

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Reviews: 37

Sat May 17, 2008 10:07 pm
jenni321 says...

I really liked the imagery, love the use of metaphors and such. hmm, well, i have no critiscm!

great job!


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9 Reviews

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Reviews: 9

Sun Dec 26, 2004 10:47 am
dyingmoon says...

wow! there are some amazing writers in here. i love this one. must go read some more...

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558 Reviews

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Reviews: 558

Sun Dec 19, 2004 12:58 pm
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Matt Bellamy says...

Loved it. Great imagery.'..I have no constructive criticism.

I think I have thankfully avoided being quoted.
— Lavvie