A lovely work, but every stanza is disconnected, there's no flow. It's like trying to understand a voicemail message riddled with static, getting the main message, but you ran the tape down by listening to it around thirty six times.
Oh, I have a friend.
Of course.
You never proposed friendships, friends, or any aid before this, so the "oh" is completely unneeded. I feel that either you were too afraid of the direct approach: "I have a friend..etc." or you felt you needed an introductory phrase to keep in character. Either way, I think direct is better. Sorry about the three-line thing, I honestly don't get the set-stanza anyway.
and they relent. Yet,
my fingers screech.
I don't know about the use of "yet" there.
All in all, I love the creativity you introduced. If you are who I remember, you seem to have an affinity for soda. It produces many characterized and personal images, and they're full of quality.
Points: 890
Reviews: 688
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