z

Young Writers Society



R.E.M.

by Liz


R.E.M.
Spinning nightmares have never
been gashed by sunlight,
because I cannot catch.

My father has never taught me,
and each young man
likes my tongue and nothing more.

Oh, I have a friend.
Of course.
But her echoes are like lace upon my cotton.

Each morning it is early,
my eyelashes will not open.
The bed is riper than I wanted.

It reminds me of raspberry rinds,
because I eat nothing whole.
I find creamingsodavomit spatters between the sheets.

The sour knife in my intestines
is colder than they are,
the gentlemen who frequent my room

so unfrequently,
then rip the watch off my wrist.
I told them I was not ready.

I told them I hate what they will find,
and they relent. Yet,
my fingers screech.

Humiliating. I am capable of it all.
I can jump from anything
and into anything.

(Into nothing). Are my sockets bare?
They never stare into my eyes,
like an unkind zombie.

Never will we meet a prophet,
so we cry into the table salt,
and slit our foreheads.

Then the sea gulps against the black cliffs,
and I gulp all night.
Until my head swallows itself.
written: Friday 5th January 2007, 1:01am.


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688 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 688

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Sun Apr 01, 2007 7:09 pm
xanthan gum wrote a review...



A lovely work, but every stanza is disconnected, there's no flow. It's like trying to understand a voicemail message riddled with static, getting the main message, but you ran the tape down by listening to it around thirty six times.

Oh, I have a friend.
Of course.

You never proposed friendships, friends, or any aid before this, so the "oh" is completely unneeded. I feel that either you were too afraid of the direct approach: "I have a friend..etc." or you felt you needed an introductory phrase to keep in character. Either way, I think direct is better. Sorry about the three-line thing, I honestly don't get the set-stanza anyway.

and they relent. Yet,
my fingers screech.

I don't know about the use of "yet" there.

All in all, I love the creativity you introduced. If you are who I remember, you seem to have an affinity for soda. It produces many characterized and personal images, and they're full of quality.




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24 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 24

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Sun Apr 01, 2007 6:35 am
Cloud_Stepping wrote a review...



i really enjoyed it very nice comparrison i thought about you being abused by men and the cliffs being abused by the sea...well atleast thats what i got from it....i liked it alot also the part where you wrote.....
"Humiliating. I am capable of it all.
I can jump from anything
and into anything."

Its like you talk about yourself or this character with words like humiliating but yet there is pride in saying "i am capable of it all" and i also like the image or you saying you can jump from anything and into anything almost like its the same casualness that gets you out of problems also gets you into new ones.

Very nice poem really liked the exagerated feeling of abuse it painted a really clear picture.you definatly didnt hold back with feelings and thats what makes it a good read.





If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
— Oscar Wilde