z

Young Writers Society



11

by Liz


Please, please. COME BACK AND
Please, please. COME BACK AND wait for me. PLease, PLease.
flittering birds Flitter Across Palm trees'
shadows. Hinterland sings with glitter pink LYRICS.
Inky lyrics fall from THESKY like those TEARS dripping
from YOUR eyes, dowN
YOUR
cheeks. into your lap, down your
thighs to your feet and (CURL) up on the floor
like spilt coke from an OLD Retro (sixties) beer mug.
candlelight flies from one candlestick TO ANOTHER.
like my mind
on
days
when i'm just clinging onto nothing because science and
mathematics tend to DR OWN everything in them
BUT NOT FOR LONG. Drag every thingness out of the CaUSTIC
sea and WATCH them, LOVE them, KILL FOR them.



suck the life out of me, you
suck the life out of me, you redgold string which flings itself
OUT LIKE A LASSOO. I truly
thought you were hanging from the silvergreen sky with
ONE hand.
Only one.
waiting for the brownwhite moon to come and give mercy and pull
you up and give you a place to stay for the night and in the
morning you'd have yellowblack coffee and sling yourself from the
sky down to the bluepink earth and curse its conformity.



when i am cold is it your fault
when i am cold is it your fault because the scathing AIR
You breathe into me is eating my FLESH from
the (inside) out.
darkness in this fateless hopeless heartless beat of the earth is
PURELY inevitable. have you never felt the way the
(salty) WATER from your eyes melts me and
smudges me like a chalk PAINting in the RAIN.


I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU BLEED like
you have seen me bleed. o helpless knife you do not suffice.

PRESS ME to your chest let me rest there
INFESTED in your flesh like i
BELONG and you SCOFF at me.



let go of all that you
of all that you know so that you do not rate
go above
let me.

o dear glitter gold
have you the delicious RAYS of the sun as your
BLOOD i love the

WAY
YOU Bleed all over me when i can not
BLEED at that particular
moment for
ONE REASON OR ANOTHER.



The night is a candle
The night is a candle spilt
by the inexperienced, a
child who does not know
not to play with FIRE.

its flame eats so cruelly
yet peacefully i love the
way it never gives up nor stops
for a breath. only the
helpless, the weak: only they
breathe. and to stop breathing:
o only you can decide that
of me. only you can control
such a finality and im sure you will now.



lay under every cover
lay under every cover of the world,
under the soft glittery carpet of the grass,
i do now.
and night's allness beats around me, adhering to my
salty skin with its soft teeth only biting gently into me.
love clings to the night
like sticky jam to my fingers.
pink love which can never be red like the throbbing
FIRE of morning.



black fire which leaps
black fire which leaps
unto
the world and splays across
the everythingness and the nothingness and all that's
in between:
black fire, crawl to me, let me nurse all the
deep burning HATE out of you.
pink and silver kisses flutter on the winds today,
pure and strenuous unlike the
COAL BLACK
FROWNS of the one huge fire
out of control, only burning everything in sight and

YOU LET IT.



as i take your tingling breath
as i take your tingling breath in my hand,
i hear the hacking flame which kills your eyes
and turns them into burnt brown flesh like darkness.

the lips of your heart are a cold type of green,
i can see them dripping in green rain, how curiously beautiful.
and the sporadic words which dart from your heart's green lips

are leaking in sadistic beauty like the electric orange fire which
eats up all in sight and murders like that chiselling flame.
the one i seek revenge upon for slaughtering your BROWNEYES.



MOON OVER THIS ROOM
MOON OVER THIS ROOM
WITH YOUR SPARKS OF WHITE LIGHT BRIGHT LIGHT
PARTING FROM THE GAPS
IN YOUR FINGERS,
can you see the midnight shadows FLICKING past you in stealth,
JEOPARDISING your health?
Don't you
worry occaSSIONALLY, when your eyesight is interrupted
Because of these INCONSIDERATE smudges of black?
when your WATCH on this town is killed for a moment?
MOON OF SNOW, MOON PINNED LOW,
i beg your holy eyes to adhere to this place, my dear
for without the speckles of snow falling from your eyes to dilute
this night, how shall i find my way AROUND?



eternally cool nights (in which SPILT
eternally cool nights (in which SPILT BLOOD crawls into the mouths of
the vulnerable (the asleep) and lies on wet tongues and discolours the lips)

are what makes you strawberry instead of vanilla.
your warm flesh (hot flesh) sprawled across your

bed draws my eyeballs from their sockets and smears them on your skin.
smoky peachy blurry flesh graced by the watery soda moonlight dripping in

through your open window and laying itself upon your
salty steamy skin being the only heat in this cool darkness.


with your sellotape words you
with your sellotape words you almost tear the mascara from my eyes.
baby, look down upon me from your nightpurple sky
(i feel you clipping my wings back as i try to fly)
i love my white skin against this black spiky ball chained to my foot.

NO WONDER I CAN'T RUN I CAN'T STRETCH MY SMILE

honey, how could your eyes be only
brown, they're dark rainbows, saturated
in chocolate god i love your slices of
sunshine after rain.


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321 Reviews


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Reviews: 321

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Tue Jan 11, 2005 9:41 am
Liz says...



:( Nate says not to give huge descriptions of your poetic intentions when posting, as that really doesn't give the strongest impression of a true writer. And I agree with that, otherwise I would have explained myself above this poem.
Yeah, it's one poem, I didn't post 11 different ones altogether. It's got different parts under one poem, and they're all linked under a common theme, so that's why there are titles for each part but the whole thing is called "11".
Okay, now that I've got that cleared up, I want to say thanks to you guys who read it, cause I know it must have looked overwhelming- 11 at once :) . I'm not going to go through it all with a fine tooth comb, that would be no fun, but just for the whole capitals thing, which everyone seems to be hung-up on, they're there for a reason. Every weird little thing I did in the poem is intentional. It's boring when people explain their capitalisation though, so I won't. But yeah, if you ever want me to, it's waiting to be pulled out of my pocket! :)
Thanks for the comments, guys.




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Sun Jan 09, 2005 8:47 pm
Myriadne wrote a review...



Please post things one at a time. I will just crit the first one. I really liked it, it reminded me of Delerium from the sandman comics. Personally I like the capitalisations of certain words, but not the capitalisations of partial words because that gets too confusing and seems like you are emphasizing meanigless letters.




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Sun Jan 09, 2005 12:42 pm
Wulie wrote a review...



I'm really sorry but I cant tell you what to change ass there's too many could you maybe post one at a time... too much for my little brain sorry :)! - I do like some of the ones I've read though. However I'm not see sure on the capitals, my veiw though.




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Sun Jan 09, 2005 4:17 am
Sam wrote a review...



i'm sorry, Liz, but i can't crit these. There's too many of them and they all need some work, and it would take me forever. *realizes what she's said* i'll try....

1. are some words supposed to be capitalized and some not? I find it really distracting that capital letters just pop up all over the place. And what's with the words in parentheses?

2. Great poem! Some grammatical errors, but other than that, it totally makes sense.

3. I don't get the part about 'infest in your flesh' *cringes* not really getting a nice mental image there, so if it's not meant to be disgusting, please change it.

4. I don't get the first stanza at all. Please explain, the reader should not be rereading it over and over to try and find some meaning in it, it's annoying and time-consuming. It doesn't fit with the rest of the poem, either. It's just unnessecary. (hope I spelled that right)

5. Get rid of the colons! Other than that, it's nice and cryptic. You don't just tell us the meaning right away, we have to guess at it and get something out of it.

6. I think this one's OK, not great, just OK. I love the analogy, 'like jam sticking to my fingers'. It's cool.

7. I really enjoyed this poem. :D No critique for this one.

8. What the heck? Your heart's green lips? Forgive me for being stupid, but what does that MEAN? Your reader should not be going over the poem over and over again to try and figure out one line. It's just a waste of time.

9. This one's pretty good. I don't really get it, but I think it's OK, the way it is. No critique. :D

10. What is with the things in parentheses?! It is just interrupts the flow of the poem, and it's very confusing. What do they mean? And, just a question- you mention 'salty skin' in many of these poems. What does it MEAN????

11. A nice finishing poem. :D This one was really cool. No critique.

Liz, next time, don't post eleven poems at once. It took me like thirty minutes just to critique what would have taken me (separately) maybe ten minutes. :D Just do a couple of these a day, and then we can give you deeper critique for every one, instead of just an overview. :D





People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear.
— John Patrick, The Curious Savage