z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Blood On Snow (Chapter 3)

by LivitheWriter4


“Dear past, thank you for your lessons. Dear future, I’m ready. Dear God, thank you for another chance.”

Emerentiana and I arrived at the courtyard five minutes before noon. We sat on an elegantly carved wood bench and sat silently before she started talking to me.

“Adelia,” she said, “In your new life, people will not look the same. Some of them will probably be dead. Most will have forgotten about you” I bowed my head down at that. “But do not be sad. You will see them again one day. Lilith - your new mother - will probably have a more motherly and sad demeanor to you as a child, but after the age of four, you will start to have some deja vu and after you are five, you will start remembering and you will have visions.”

“So I will not remember this?” I asked, raising my head.

“Not for many years,” she responded.

“Oh.” I leaned my head on her shoulder. She was starting to feel more like a mother to me, more than my real mother. She then rested her head on my head and started humming a soft, gentle song.

All of a sudden, there was a snap and the Council of Three were standing in front of us. I jumped, but Esmerelda remained calm and smiled sadly at them.

“This is the part where I say goodbye,” She said, turning to face me. “Be brave,” she said, and hugged me.

“Thank you,” I whispered into her ear. She nodded. I walked up to the Three and said, “I’m ready.”

They all went around me, creating a small triangle, holding hands. They raised their hands over my head and concentrated really hard.

The last thing I smelled before it went black were fresh sprigs of lavender.


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Fri Jun 22, 2018 11:55 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



Wow, this chapter is super short. Adding on to what Rosey said, after reading the last two chapters it seems too short simply because the last two chapters were so much longer and more descriptive.

The last thing I smelled before it went black were fresh sprigs of lavender.


I love the last line, which I should probably mention because I feel like I've only been telling you about issues I've had with the story so far.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

I leaned my head on her shoulder. She was starting to feel more like a mother to me, more than my real mother. She then rested her head on my head and started humming a soft, gentle song.


This felt strange to me, and I think it's because Adelia has spent so little time with Emerentiana. I feel like in general I'm not getting as much of her feelings as I probably should. In the first chapter she talked about feeling like an outcast and being not-a-lady while hanging out with all these ladies, but they seemed perfectly happy to have her around. In the second chapter Emerentiana talked about her being pure and kind, but I really didn't have any time at all to see that before she stood in front of some horses and let them run her down. Then she saw God as her earth-father, but it was mentioned that her earth-father had been reborn, but I was confused because I thought both her parents were alive.

(Although I suppose if she's going to come back as Lilith's baby, Lilith's maybe got to have a little time to grow up first. So maybe Adelia's been dead for a while.)

It just feels like you're rushing through the story, so there's not much time for me to get to know any of these characters or understand what they're feeling or have a connection with them.

Also, I was confused at first about the "Council of Three" because I don't think they were ever called that in the last chapter. So I was like "who's this now?" and then eventually I realized it was probably God, Jesus, and Mary.

(Poor Joseph. Always left out of everything.)




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Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:22 pm
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello. Haven't read anything previous, just going off what I see here.

For starters, a couple of tiny little punctuation things:

“Adelia,” she said, “In your new life


That "in" should be lowercase. Every time you interrupt dialogue with a tag (the "she said" part) that has a comma after it, the continuation of the dialogue is lowercase.

“This is the part where I say goodbye,” She said


"She" should be lowercase.

Check out this article for more dialogue punctuation tips.

As for the content of the chapter itself, there isn't that much here. You're lacking a lot of description, to the point you're starting to get into talking heads. Which really is a shame, because this section of the work could be absolutely beautiful.

What kind of description do you like? What sort of mood do you want to create? How does this scenario make her feel, body language wise?

Really try to dive in and create something vivid. I want to feel what it's like to be there. I want to see what she sees, feel what she feels— emphasize the peace and stillness of the area so the snap feels sudden and jarring. Contrast the colours the Three are wearing to Emerentiana's outfit.

Do try to read through some of the articles in the Knowledge Base to see where you can go with this. Short chapters are perfectly fine (I've read novels with two paragraph long chapters), but right now this doesn't feel complete. See what else you can add to transport us to where the character is, and see what happens.

All in all, this sounds like it'll be a sweet moment. Right now it's not coming across that way, but with a little polishing this will really shine.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey





The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope.
— Walter Benjamin