Only sixteen

Hmmm… I don’t think this seems like a good ending because from the point when you write about
I didn’t plan for this
The tiny white strip

LiveLaughLove wrote:I didn’t plan for this. Not ever. I threw the tiny, white strip into the bathroom wastebasket before turning off the light and heading down the hall.

We know what’s happened. I was waiting for some more information, maybe the reaction of the father of the baby, just something to keep the story going on a bit.
The title reminded me of a beautiful little Sam Cooke song, that’s why it caught my eyes. Just thought you might like to know!

Hi there! This is my first review in a while so please do bear with me...

I stared at the girl in the mirror, she didn’t look any different. She still had thin, long blond hair, pulled back into a ponytail, just like every other day. Her eyes were still deep green, with a pink scare above the left one. Her lips were wide, and pale pink. There were still thousands of freckles along her face and arms. She was still tall, skinnier than she was supposed to be, according to all the doctors. Nothing had changed about her, even though my whole life was about to crumble under my feet. I didn’t plain for this. Not ever. I threw the tiny, white strip into the bathroom wastebasket before turning off the light and heading down the hall.

Okay, so as BadNarrator said, the beginning is a little weak. You've begun in a way that isn't very original, and kind of boring - the character is looking in the mirror, and basically just saying what they look like. It's a bit of an overused way of introducing the character to the reader, and is frankly a little unrealistic. Yes, it's slightly different to some versions of this, as she is seeing how little she has changed, but overall I'd say it's not that great and doesn't exactly draw the reader in, which is exactly what you need the beginning to do.
You could start with something a little more melodramatic, but that may just be a little over the top, and again not that original. Perhaps you could rethink this a little - start the story off with a first line which really creates tension and that will draw the reader into your story. It's such an important part of prose that I think you need to make it fresher and more original than it currently is.

Also, this phrase threw me off:

Nothing had changed about her, even though my whole life was about to crumble under my feet. I didn’t plain for this. Not ever.

Firstly, the transition from third person (her) to first person (me) was jarring, and didn't really work well. Maybe another reason to scratch the mirror, eh? Also, 'plain' should probably be 'plan'.

And:

Her eyes were still deep green, with a pink scare above the left one. Her lips were wide, and pale pink

'Scare' = 'Scar'? Also, you don't need the comma in the second sentence.

Now, the rest of your story seems to be a little bare at the moment. Everything seems to be too rushed, and you haven't developed anything enough for your beginning to have enough substance. Take the emotion, for example - we're hardly getting any of it! Yes, she says: 'I had to get out of here, before I lost every last bit of my sanity', but that's just her telling us she feels something. (DISCLAIMER: I am talking about 'Show Don't Tell'!) You'll hear this a lot on YWS, but to save you my ramble I'd like to link you to this article on Show and Tell by CastlesInTheSky. Hopefully it'll really help you make this beginning more emotional, as at the moment I'm really not connecting.

This brings me onto my next point! Characters! You need to make the reader connect with your character. Right now, as I said, everything seems a little rushed, and I find it very hard to empathise with your character. You told us what she looked like at the very beginning of the story, but I think it's generally better if you focus more on developing her, rather than her looks. This goes for the other characters too, such as the mother. Want some help creating realistic characters? Look no further! Just have a look at that link - a great article by Teague.

I hope I've helped, and I look forward to seeing what you make of this piece. Please do PM me with any questions, or if you want any further reviews. Good luck!

LiveLaughLove wrote:I stared at the girl in the mirror, she didn’t look any different. She still had thin, long blond hair, pulled back into a ponytail, just like every other day. Her eyes were still deep green, with a pink [scar] above the left one. Her lips were wide, and pale pink. There were still thousands of freckles along her face and arms. She was still tall, skinner than she was supposed to be, according to all the doctors. Nothing had changed about her, even though my whole life was about to crumble under my feet. I didn’t plain for this. Not ever. I threw the tiny, white strip into the bathroom wastebasket before turning off the light and heading down the hall.

The intro is descriptive but a little weak. Consider beginning your story with this sentence instead: "my whole life was about to crumble under my feet. I didn’t plain for this. Not ever."

I sprinted down the hall and stairs. I had to get out of here, before I lost every last bit of whatever sanity I had left. Passing my mother in the kitchen, I prayed to whoever was out there, that for once she would just leave me alone. “Hey, honey!” Obviously, they didn’t hear me.

The first sentence should just be "I sprinted down the stairs." Then the second should read something like, "I had to get out of here before I lost the last of my sanity."

Actually the whole paragraph needs to be more concise. These aren't bad sentences, they just don't look like sentences that have been revised properly. Remember you only want to include what is absolutely necessary. If a word, sentence or paragraph doesn't do anything to reveal character or move the story forward, then it doesn't belong in the story.

I took a deep breath, trying to keep myself composed. Twirling around I smiled as brightly as I could. “Yeah, mom?”

“I need you to watch your brother tonight.” She said playing with her new phone. “Dean and I are going out.”

“I can’t,” I said a little faster than I meant. I hated lying to my mom, but I was on the brink of losing it. “I have tryouts tonight. Then I’m going over to Hailey’s.”

“But-”

I raised my voice, sounding like a whiny kid at the candy store. “I already told you about this. You said I could go. If I miss tryouts, then I won’t be able to get on the cheer team.” That was the furthest thing that was on my mind, but it would have to do.

“Alright, I guess that’s not fair to-”

That was all I needed. I raced out the house, and into my car. As I started backing out, I pulled my cell phone from my purse and called the only person I could trust right now. She answered on the first ring. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Hailey, I’m coming over. It’s an emergency.”

I could hear gasp on the other line. She was always so melodramatic. It almost made me laugh. Almost. “Why? What happened?”

I sighed. “Hailey, I just found out that I’m pregnant.”

The mother supporting characters in this story seemed a little transparent. I suggest examining the mother's character some more. Find out what exactly it is that she wants and figure out how to express that in the story. And I don't mean "she wants the narrator to babysit her brother." I mean find out what she wants for her life, for her family etc.

Remember: every major character in a story should want something, whether it's true love, world domination, or a cup of coffee, characters are motivated by desire.

Good luck and keep writing.

Hi!! Alzora here to review!!

with a pink scare above the left one.

I don't think you need the "left" here.

skinner than she was supposed to be

I think you mean skinnier, not "skinner".

This is a cool story!! I think you need a little more background info. Then you'd be good!!

Alzora