Jax sat silently in the rain, his heart was shattered and he couldn't find the pieces to fix it. His shirt was plastered to the sides of his ribs, and his hair was falling into his eyes. But he didn't care. The love of his life was just killed, and he couldn't have prevented it. He couldn't have saved her, even if it meant sacrificing his life. She wouldn't had let him. She said it was her destiny. "So," he thought, "Mine must be to live my life alone and die. Wow, how thrilling!" He spat. His life was slowly falling apart, he needed something or someone to take his mind off of the death of Anabella! The pain was to much, he couldn't take it! He jumped off the cold muddy ground, and ran. He ran as far and as fast as he could to escape this terrible world. Nothing worked, he stopped and looked over at the horizon, the icy wind whipped his face, stinging the wounds he got in battle. He screamed into the cold night rain, the sound echoed across the canyon and caused some pebbles to roll down to the bottom of the cavern. He then got an idea from the tiny pebbles that fell into the rock hard ground below him. He was going to jump, and nobody was there to stop him! He turned around and sprinted back to the edge of the forest to get a big head start of the side of the cavern. He sailed off the side of the cliff, and as he fell he saw Anabella and him running through the flower fields on a sunny warm day, he also saw there first born dying in front of them...the starting of his never ending sadness. The images danced around in his mind, he flushed out the bad ones, and focused on the happy memory's. As he let him self plummet to his death, he could have sworn he heard the sweet voice of Anabella. She was whispering," Nobody said It was easy."
And houndheart whispered back, "Nobody said it would be this hard." He heard a bone cracking thud and a sharp pain shot up his spine. His vision started to blur, and he tasted the metallic flavor of blood rising in his throat. His eyes started to get heavy and he found it hard to breath. He smiled for the first time in years as he fell into the awaiting arms of darkness. He would met his love tonight, and spend the rest of eternity with her.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,101 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
The first paragraph is massive and it seems to go on and on. I’d advise you to separate it out to build up the suspense, leaving the readers eager to find out about his future actions. I was surprised to read that he took such a drastic step in a heartbeat. That shows he was driven by his desperate need to reunite with her. I enjoyed reading your story, but it needs a bit of work.
For example, though I could see the character’s emotional breakdown, I couldn't feel it. To connect us to him, give us more insight into his thoughts and feelings. Secondly, we know little about how she died, so I’d like it if you could make that clear. Perhaps, add a flashback as he’s running towards the cliff.
Except that, well done, and keep writing!
Hi! there Liv13
Since the technical corrections were pointed out, I'll just add what I have in mind. This story has a lot of potential. You just have to make a few revisions to improve the overall impact. Hence, show us a bit of the background of what happened. Like:
I wanted to know the story why she said those. Did she knew it all along? Are they being chased?
Also, why was he shot. What is the reason behind? Some events are lacking. Perhaps, incorporate them so we/I could understand the story better.
It was a nice start.
Hope this helps.
>Cha
First, I think that when you complete a thought, you should start another paragraph. So basically, you should separate a bunch of these sentences to make more paragraphs.
I think that "Jax sat silently in the rain, his heart was shattered and he couldn't find the pieces to fix it." needs to have a period in place of the comma, and capitalize the next "h."
Then, "He screamed into the cold night rain, the sound echoed across the canyon and caused some pebbles to roll down to the bottom of the cavern." should have a period in place of the first comma.
"as he fell he saw Anabella and him running through the flower fields on a sunny warm day, he also saw there first born dying in front of them...the starting of his never ending sadness." I think that you should change "Anabella and him" to "himself and Anabella." Also, you should change the comma after "day" with a period, and change "there" to "their."
"The images danced around in his mind, he flushed out the bad ones, and focused on the happy memory's." should have a period in place of the first comma, and there shouldn't be an apostrophe in "memory's." It should be "memories."
A few more things: when Anabella's voice speaks to Jax, is "It" supposed to be capitalized? And what is "houndheart?" And in the sentence "His eyes started to get heavy and he found it hard to breath.", "breath" should be "breathe." And in the last sentence, it's not supposed to be "met," but "meet."
Those are just some major things. I think that with a little bit of tweaking, this story could be better, and convey the emotions you want the readers to feel to the maximum. Sorry if you thought this was harsh. You're doing good. Keep at it!