I absentmindedly clicked the buttons on the remote control for the television, hoping the channel would change. A blank screen is what it remained as. I had been longing for the screen to change. That I would be able to see something, even if it was only for a second.
I opened my mouth to begin talking to my wife, but then I remembered. I remembered that my wife was not here. It was sometimes easy to forget, when I was sitting in this room that looked like the living room of my home, except it was empty of everyone, besides myself. I remembered the memories of joy that once filled this house, with my family and I.
My eyes flicked to the clock on the bare, back wall of the room. It read 12:00 PM. It always did. And yet, with all the time in the world, I could not escape this prison. This prison that looked as if it could have been my home back in Arizona, where my family and friends lived. Where once, I lived a normal, happy, relaxed, life. But now, I am trapped in a place where I can not watch my children play carelessly in the backyard. I can not go to work. I can not hug my wife or chat with my friends. I can only watch myself.
I plopped my feet onto the carpeted floor, and plodded over to the window. My eyes peered around the striped curtains to see a vacant street with rows of houses situated along it. This is what I saw every day. The same street. The same houses. The same pale blue sky. The same blank screen on the television. The same time on the clock.
I backed away from the window and sank to me knees. My hands tugged at my hair and I screamed until my voice went hoarse and my throat felt raw. My thoughts were constantly filled with my family, my friends, and my old life. The life that I would give anything to get back.
I finally had risen to my feet and dragged myself to the mirror that was situated to the right of the window. The bags under my eyes, the gray beard that had been growing on my chin, the hair that drooped over my ears, and the wrinkles that had been creeping along my face showed that I had been aging.
I was lying down on the floor hoping someone could hear me. I begged that I could be freed from this terrible place and return to my old life. And then I started to hear a clicking noise. It was faint, but oddly familiar. I saw the seconds hand on the clock was ticking. Minutes were passing. Time had continued.
I was in disbelief. My shocked appearance stayed on my face as my wife walked in through the front door. I could hear dogs barking in the distance. I heard children playing in the backyard. The television began to play the news.
My wife strolled into the kitchen without giving me a second glance. I attempted to call after her, but my mouth could not form the words. I wanted to stand, but my feet could not move. My children ran into the entryway, and bounded into the kitchen. They did not notice me. They did not even look my way when they accidentally stepped onto my toes. I tried to cry out. My family was back. The joy in my life had returned, but I could only watch, not moving, not talking, but glued in place.
The clock continuously ticked, and the news switched to a new story. I remained grounded in my position, and attempted everything I could think of so I could make contact with my family. They began to search for me, to call my name. Day faded into night. The dogs' barking faded, the television was turned off, dinner was eaten, and the kids were tucked into bed.
I could only watch from my seat on the living room floor, as days passed. When these days turned into weeks, these weeks turned into months and these months turned into years, I had given up trying. I looked down at my hands, and they were the same as they had been when I left that terrifying, empty prison. But yet, I saw my children getting taller, my wife becoming hunched over, and the house began to creek more often.
My attempts to alter my state of being were of no use. I could only watch, watch the life I could have had fade before my eyes.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well this was quite a sad little story here....that's for sure. You do a great job capturing the protagonists anguish there at the start and then all the utter hopelessness there at the end. Its a very interesting concept here...and I'm almost wondering if it has something to do with death but that's just me speculating here...don't mind that....anyways...more details below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh...that is quite an intense start there. Defintely gets the reader hooked immediately that one. Definitely sets the mood for what promises to be a very intense story here.
Oh wow...that is definitely not good by the sound of it. Very interesting to what sort of prison this is and why this person is stuck in it. You're doing a great job creating that little aura of mystery around everything here...let's see how it continues.
Well...that was a nice bit of emphasis on how things there never change...thankfully I don't think its too much by you should probably refrain from mentioning that again or it would be too much.
Well...that's very understandable...constant monotony tends to do that to ya.
NIce bit of description there to show how long that this person could have been stuck there for, always a very helpful thing to have sprinkled in there.
Oooh...that's even more interesting now...it looks like he was stuck for a long time in some sort of time loop...well..well..that was a direction I was not quite expecting this to take. Time being literally stopped...
Oh never mind it just gets much much worse...well...this is an interesting sort of prison, I'm almost wondering if this person is somehow dead...this is all getting quite tortuous here...
This is definitely getting progressively worse now. You're doing a good job giving that building sense of hopelessness here as our protagonist realizes there's nothing they can do.
Oh well...quite a sad ending there...oh well....nice buildup to that...and then the completely hopelessness there at the end as everything just goes on forever there...frozen with them unable to do anything...powerful lines there to end.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall...this was a powerful little story here...definitely gets onto you quickly there with all the emotions. I think you've done a pretty good job here overall...and yeah...that's about all I gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey D, I'm going to review this. Sorry I'm only just now getting around to it. I'm going to review this as I read and then tell you what you did right at the end.
Okay, so your first paragraph was good, you did a good job of hooking your audience. These two sentences sounded a bit off. They disrupted your flow, you went into passive voice rather than active. (If you're not sure what the difference is, PM me and I'll explain it.) I think it would sound better like this "It remained as a blank screen, though I'd been longing for it to change." Or maybe "I had longed for it to change, but the screen stayed blank." Also, be careful to not repeat the word screen too many times. I don't think you've done it yet but that's just my advice.
Your next paragraph is good but again, you have one sentence with a flaw. It's a teensy one, I promise.
You repeat the word "room" which makes this part feel a bit disjointed and you have a comma splice. Maybe try changing it to "It was sometimes easy to forget when I was sitting in this place that looked like the living room of my home, except it was empty of everyone besides myself." You don't need a comma between home and except, you also don't need it between everyone and besides.
Again, you don't need the comma here. (Sorry for doing grammar and punctuation nitpicks.) You only need a comma if you're using two adjectives or more.
I love this part. You use a lot of repetition and there are points that seem a little abrupt but I like the way that works in with the narrator's character. It really shows us how this man is distraught over being away from his family and how much he misses his wife. So good job with this part
You don't need a comma between now and I. Also, cannot is one word. Once again, you do a great job with this part in showing us how upset this man is with his life. I also like that you say cannot instead of can't. I assume that this man is older which means he would talk and think in a more formal manner.
I'm really loving this part as well. Once again, you don't need a comma in the first sentence. But other than that you really emphasize the sameness of the setting. The setting almost foils your character, the setting is constantly the same yet the narrator is itching for something different.
No need for a comma here. I like that we finally get to see what your narrator looks like and that his outward appearance demonstrates his inward thoughts and feelings. He's tired of his life, hence the eyebags and his ears droop because he is low in spirit.
Lol, unless he's Irish I think "me" should be "my".
You're doing what I fondly call grocery listing. "I did this, I did that." I notice you do it occasionally in the story but it's not a big issue. Instead of "And then, (yes you need a comma there) a faint but oddly familiar clicking noise reached my ears." Rather than "I... I... I..." See?
OMG WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?
"My wife strolled into the kitchen without giving me a second glance. I attempted to call after her, but my mouth could not form the words. I wanted to stand, but my feet could not move. My children ran into the entryway, and bounded into the kitchen. They did not notice me. They did not even look my way when they accidentally stepped onto my toes. I tried to cry out. My family was back. The joy in my life had returned, but I could only watch, not moving, not talking, but glued in place."
OMG OMG OMG OMG WHAT? IS HE DYING? DID HE HAVE A STROKE? THE SUSPENSE IS FLIPPIN' KILLING ME! Great job with this part. The thing I have to say is you should describe his wife. List out the things the narrator loves about her, both physically and personality wise. Also, he's an old man. His children are probably grown. I would like to know what happened to them and how old they are in this scene. How many of them are there? Are there boys or girls? What do they look like? Why didn't they take care of this lonely old man? These are all basic questions that can be difficult to answer at first, but come later with tons of practice.
"They began to search for me, to call my name. Day faded into night. The dogs' barking faded, the television was turned off, dinner was eaten, and the kids were tucked into bed." If the children are searching for him, the family probably wouldn't go to bed without letting the police know or something of the sort. Maybe instead try mentioning that they are vaguely concerned but not overly worried? Or maybe they don't remember him at all.
Creak. Not creek, creak.
This is a great ending. I wish you would've elaborated on why this man couldn't have had this life. I thought maybe he already had this life, but it left him. Maybe change this to "I could only watch, watch the life I once had fade before my eyes."
Overall, this was pretty good. There were some little comma and grammar mistakes here and there, but those are never a big deal. I liked the structure and the pacing of your story as well as the flow. I think you could've included a little more information about the characters as far as description but I think you did a great job outlining the narrator's personality. I also really liked the concept of the story. How such a simple plot can have such a lasting impact. Overall, for a first story, this was brilliant. So keep writing and make sure you let me know whenever you write something new!
XOXO,
Gravity
Thanks for the review. I need to get with the program when it comes to commas. Yeah and I really need to work on the details. I am struggling with that.
I loooove it.
Thanks.
And I laughed so hard at the "I sank to me knees."
I will keep reading your novel
Hello!
I'm here to review your story which I thought was really good and well written. I like your writing style a lot. That being said, it took me a little while to connect to the main character, and even when I did get into it I still didn't feel emotionally connected. And as a reader, that's something I definitely look for when I'm reading anything.
Other than that I thought this was a very good piece!! I'm looking forward to reading more from you!
Ghostly
Thanks! I definitely agree with you. That is something that is very important to me when I am reading, as well.
I appreciate your help.