Living In Her Head

by LittleTime981
  • August 28, 2012
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic
  • Poetry
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Memories engulf a young girl’s soul
she is silently swallowed by the Darkness.
Knives of her past come out at her
as the delusions and insecurities invade.
 
She is eternally drowning in the whirlpool
of her constant thoughts.
The girl is lost at a crossroads,
Where she walks alone.
 
Broken bonds initiate anguish,
an unbearable emptiness inside.
The loss of a love
creates an eternal void of ebony.
 
Shattered trust
in those closest to her
Love
is now a concept to be feared. 
 
Living in her ravaged mind
with madness creeping inside.
It's generating an enigma
hiding in her shell.
 
Hidden self-hatred
of what she has committed
of what she feels
of what she is and has to hide.
 
Secret fury,
a secret sadness.
She is imprisoned within herself,
an unbroken streak of silence.
 
A mere child of 14 is forever withdrawn,
forever spacey,
forever scared,
forever living inside her head.

Comments & reviews · 1
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User avatar
niteowl
Review
niteowl wrote a review · Tue Aug 28, 2012 2:33 am

First off, looks like you're new, so welcome to YWS! Hope you're liking the site so far. Make sure you get out and review pieces and get involved in the community!

Now, on to the poem. It's not awful, but not particularly memorable. It tells us about this withdrawn girl, but doesn't make us feel anything toward her. Adding unique imagery would really make this piece stand out. Why did this girl withdraw into her head? Why does she fear love? What does she have to hide? What's going on in her head? Perhaps a more interesting angle would be the transition from loving/trusting to withdrawn, showing us what triggered that.

Some minor stylistic notes: You don't have to capitalize the first letter of every line. Also, the commas at the end of each line chop up the poem and are distracting. Generally, I tend to capitalize and punctuate as I would in prose unless there's a good reason for doing otherwise (which I don't see here).

I think this piece is intriguing and has potential, but it could be more compelling with unique imagery and details. Best of luck in any future revisions and keep writing! :)

Random avatar
LittleTime981
LittleTime981 replied · Tue Aug 28, 2012 2:44 am

Thank you so much!

Yes, I see what you mean. I'll definitely use those tips in the future! I really appreciate your critique! Thanks again! :)

Random avatar
LittleTime981
LittleTime981 replied · Tue Aug 28, 2012 2:49 am

By the way, I am making some edits based on your advice.



Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
— Søren Kierkegaard