Published August 8, 2011
Salt water spread up onto the shores, reaching until being yanked back into the sea. Cassie’s purple toenails inched into the sand beside Paul. Neither of them spoke.
“You guys ready to eat?” Their friend Tom jogged down to the beach, his eyes on Cassie, his hand out apologetically.
Cassie gave him a disconnected, noncommittal nod and looked at his feet. Paul said nothing. Tom retreated back up to the house.
“You aren’t going to join him?” Paul’s voice was quiet, bitter but Cassie was glad he had finally spoke. She shrunk into the sand beside him but his eyes remained locked on the undulating shoreline.
“I came here for you,” she said quietly, leaning towards him. Paul turned to her now and brushed the blonde hair from her face - he couldn’t resist.
“You make it hard for me to believe that,” he said. Before she could protest he continued, “Maybe at this moment it’s true. Maybe yesterday, it was Tom. Tomorrow? Who knows. I cannot do this anymore.” His voice was flat and he wouldn’t meet her eyes. She was crying, he could hear her but he wouldn’t look.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “I love you and I know I messed up but-”
He didn’t let her finish, he pressed his finger to her round, pink lips. “You’re beautiful, you know that?” He said, knowing this was the end. She leaned in to kiss him but his lips met her teary cheek instead and he tasted the caustic salt.
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138,204 Literary Works • 672,082 Reviews
So this was quite depressing... I sort of wanted to weap a little bit myself! But it was a good depress, sad and sweet all at ones! I feel that he really does love her and that it really pains him to have to break it up... It's overall a very strong and powerful story! It's emotional which is good and in the end you leave the reading feeling proud over the narrator! Nice job, I'll give you all the icky spiders I've got left.. which is only four out of five.. But you can have a kitten as well
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
If I may suggest love, Read some Raymond Carver poems. More specifically 'An Afternoon.' Your piece is reminiscent of the feel. I can smell the salt water. Sensory attack.
That was actually kind of sad. Excuse me while I refresh my supply of salt (hehehe). The conflict is a bit hard to distinguish until the very end. At first, I feel like the two of them are going to commit suicide together, hence the dreary mood and the title. However, we understand it towards the end. Though that raises the problem of, "Why are they together if Paul doesn't want to see her anymore?" while Cassie still loves him, wouldn't he reject this meeting? Add a sentence saying they were invited to the same beach party or something.
I am also a bit puzzled because they kissed at the end and Paul complimented her. Perhaps saying something along the lines of, "Good luck with the person you truly love" or something like that. I don't know, maybe that's just me.
I thought this was pretty good. You did have a few little grammar things you should go back and check, though. It seems a bit short to really be a story though, although sometimes vague snapshots can be all the more interesting. All in all, I really did like this. It's not bad.
In the sixth paragraph it says: "Maybe at this moment. It's true." I think you should combine these two sentences because the second is only a sentence fragment and, even though that I use sentence fragments sometimes for emphasis, this one isn't adding enough to overlook the grammatical error of it.
Hoped this helped.
Also, close to the beginning, I felt you were throwing names at me too fast. I know you only had 250 words, but I think you should've described at least one of the boys, so there was a way to tell them apart. That might just be me, because I'm not that good with names. Nice entry though, good luck in your contest
-tgirly