z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Moonless

by LittleFox


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

*I wrote this pretty quickly as a free-write as I haven't written anything in over a year and am super rusty. I edited it lighlty but wanted to keep it short and simple. Not super confident in it but it's the first thing I've written in ages so it's a start!

Few have heard of the wolf who once lived on the mountain. On her last day she sat alone on a slab of rock in a clearing, surrounded by beautiful trees. She protected those trees, and the animals who lived there. She loved each creature, even the white moths that fluttered around her when the moon came out. They seemed to dance on her silver fur and paws in the briefest of moments before letting the breeze carry them back into the cool air. They left her one by one as dawn approached, sending rays of gold and amber over the trees and drawing dew drops from the grass. On this morning, the trees were grim and still.

The animals told her that a hunter had come into the forest to kill her, and she waited. She did not run or bare her deadly teeth. She patiently rested her head on her paws and closed her eyes as she listened to the human approach, his footsteps growing nearer and nearer through the trees. When he came into the clearing the wolf raised her head and observed him as he fumbled with his bow, a drop of sweat running from his brow down to his chin. She considered how easily she could crack his skull between her teeth, but remained motionless. The hunter hesitated, clearly thinking the same thing, and wondering why she did not rush at him now, but soon enough he tightened his grasp on his bow and lodged an arrow in her chest. Quietly she laid down and died, and the hunter stared at her body in awe. He felt sad and happy as he watch the blood seep down her chest and pool up on the rocks. The thrill of the kill was tainted. He could not enjoy a kill that was met with no resistance. There was no fight, no chase, only death. Something about the heaviness of her presences had shaken him. Something about the acceptance in her eyes.

He knelt before her and tears flowed freely down his face, but his greed could not be washed away. He smiled as he examined her beautiful pelt, knowing no common wolf had fur so long and white, or blood so dark and vibrant.



"I've killed a forest spirit" he muttered as fear, pride, and sorrow fought for control over his mind and body. He shivered when he looked at her eyes, which seemed thoughtful and awake, gazing straight at him. He jumped to his feet, then fell again to his knees when she used one last breath to speak.

"You will take my place and protect this forest. Kill only when you must. Take life only to preserve balance. Reap the benefits only after you have served the trees and creatures. I have done this duty long enough." As she spoke her fur became brown, her flesh began to rot, melting away from her bones, and her eyes became black and lifeless. "Fail me, and you will writhe between my jaws in the afterlife." Even the trees were quieter after she finished speaking and only a pile of bones and blood remained. The hunter groaned as he let his bow fall to the ground. That beautiful pelt, probably worth more gold that he could carry, was gone. There was nothing he could bring home to his family except the bones, and what point was there in that. He curled forward, resting his forearms on the ground, touching his head to the dirt. What point was there in returning to his family at all. He could no longer remember their names.

Suddenly every beast, insect, and bird began call out. Even the trees spoke. Not in any language he understood, but in thoughts and feelings that he could hear. He began to scream with them, overwhelmed by terror. They all mourned for the wolf he had killed. They begged to know what fate held now that she had be replaced by her own murderer. Murderer, they repeated. He felt his eyes trying to produce tears, but they could not. He began to tear at them with his hands until blood spilled down his face, dark and vibrant.

"Murderer," he said as he slowly sat back on his heels, and the creatures went silent again. He gazed skyward, seeing only blackness, and felt the rivers of blood run down his cheeks. He smiled. They felt like tears. Drop by drop his emotions fell to the earth, soaking into the soil. The creatures began to mutter softly throughout the forest, some fearful, some curious. He could see them more clearly than before. He could feel them. His fingers found the bow at his side and he rose, holding it firmly in both hands as he listened to his forest and his creatures. On calm and steady feet he walked out of the clearing and disappeared into the trees.


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5 Reviews


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Thu Sep 21, 2017 6:44 pm
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fantasywestern wrote a review...



I'm a sucker for archaic forest creatures getting their own back by ensnaring humans into their world.
Honestly, this piece was incredibly beautiful and really brings home the spiritual nature of the forest, and what we, as people, do to it by killing helpless animals for our own gain.

That beautiful pelt, probably worth more gold that he could carry, was gone. There was nothing he could bring home to his family except the bones, and what point was there in that. He curled forward, resting his forearms on the ground, touching his head to the dirt. What point was there in returning to his family at all. He could no longer remember their names.

This part was incredibly poignant and, I think, really drove home the point. If there is no wealth or gain to be found by killing something like a forest spirit, what is the point? And the part at the end of the paragraph where the hunter forgets his family and starts to become overwhelmed by guilt and the realisation of what he did was especially memorable. Stories like this are usually told by the hunted, rather than the hunter, and feeling his response to his actions was genuinely refreshing.
He could feel them. His fingers found the bow at his side and he rose, holding it firmly in both hands as he listened to his forest and his creatures. On calm and steady feet he walked out of the clearing and disappeared into the trees.

I particularly enjoyed this ending. He isn't quite welcomed by the forest creatures, but he is going to do his duty, as the wolf told him to do, to pay for his crime and take her place, due to her exhaustion at her role and her placidness when faced with her own death.
All in all, a very enjoyable piece, and I can't think of anything you should fix from the top of my head.
Keep writing, your style is beautiful, and you are clearly very creative.




LittleFox says...


Thank you so much for the kind review!



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Tue Sep 12, 2017 6:25 pm
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wendylau98 says...



Little fox. Thank you very much.
This beautiful exquisite work is the first work I read in YWS and I am touched. I actually had to stop my lunch just to comment how magical journey you brought me. Thanks again!




LittleFox says...


Thank you, that makes me so happy! :) Oh and welcome to YWS!



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Wed Aug 09, 2017 1:40 am
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abbywrites22 says...



This was really good. I really enjoy reading poetry but i am terrible at writing it. congrats. I really liked the wolf character




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Sun Aug 06, 2017 10:38 am
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ThemagicalEbonyFox wrote a review...



I'm new to this website, and this is the first piece of work I have had the pleasure of reading. I thought the language used was very descriptive, and I could really grasp the environment you had created. To develop this idea further, it would be interesting to explore the relationship between the forest and the wolf that protected it. Was she once a huntress herself? And how will the hunter cope with the heavy burden she has left him?
Overall I think this was a good piece of writing and I'm interested to find out more about the forest you have created and the people that live there. Thanks for giving me a pleasant introduction to the wonderful talent I can find now I've become a member.




LittleFox says...


Thank you, I'm glad you liked it! And welcome to YWS! :)



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Fri Aug 04, 2017 11:54 pm
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PastelSlushie wrote a review...



Hello, LittleFox! PastelSlushie here for a review. Let's get right into it!

FIRST IMPRESSION
- At first glance, the story's description really intrigued me. The plot you chose for the story is something I've never read before. I was quite surprised when the wolf didn't react to seeing the hunter, I mean, I kind of guessed she wouldn't attack him, but I was expecting her to stand up, or something of that sort.

CHARACTERS
- I don't have much to say about the characters since there were only two, but I really loved them as characters! The hunter's emotions are perfectly shown throughout the writing, and you can get a nice picture in your head on what is happening. Every scene came alive with each sentence I read with the adjectives and verbs you chose.

NITPICKS
- "On her last day she sat alone on a slab of rock in a clearing, surrounded by beautiful trees." You'd need to put a comma after day.

- "Something about her presences at shaken him." I'm not entirely sure about this one, but I believe it's supposed to be presence had.

- "He kneeled before her and tears flowed freely down his face, but his greed could not be washed away." Make sure to changed kneeled to knelt.

- "I've killed a forest spirit" he muttered as fear, pride, and sorrow fought for control over his mind and body." Make sure to start a new paragraph here.

- "What point was there in returning to his family at all. " Make sure to change the period to a question mark.

- "Murder," he said as he slowly sat back on his heels, and the creatures went silent again." Make sure to change murder to murderer.

- "On clam and steady feet he walked out of the clearing and disappeared into the trees." Make sure to put a comma after feet. You also spelled calm clam, so make sure to correct that too.

WAYS TO IMPROVE
- There's not much in this section, but I'd like to see more talking/thoughts from the hunter.

OVERALL
- I adored this piece! Your writing style goes amazingly with the piece, and the words you chose compliment the piece nicely. This was a very emotional piece of writing, which, for me, adds much more bonus points. The problems I have with this piece were stated above.

Anddd scene! Keep writing!

Pastel




LittleFox says...


Thank you very much! :)



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Fri Aug 04, 2017 12:19 am
hellachillx wrote a review...



Ah, how should I start this? I found this story to be truly beautiful and intriguing. By the end of the story, I had silently been wishing for more, lol! I loved how vividly I could picture what had been going on in the story. I loved how had used wonderful words to describe things. Overall, I had completely enjoyed this story.

It's a wonderful thing that you had gotten back into writing! I think that you can create so many wonderful stories with your words. Please keep writing, for I hope one day you can make it big. :)




LittleFox says...


Thanks! Im glad you liked it!



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Wed Aug 02, 2017 3:22 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ stopping by for a short review.

I have some grammatical note enspoilered. Here's the key:
Anything that is grammatically necessary is in red
Any of my suggestions are in blue
Anything with a strikethrough is something that should be taken out

Spoiler! :
Few have heard of the wolf who once lived on the mountain. On her last day, she sat alone on a slab of rock in a clearing, surrounded by beautiful trees. She protected those trees, and the animals who lived there. She loved each creature, even the white moths that fluttered around her when the moon came out.Personally I might say "She loved each creature, from the mighty lions to the white moths that fluttered around her when the moon came out". It seems to show her love for ALL creatures better than just mentioning one creature They seemed to dance on her silver fur and paws in the briefest of moments before letting the breeze carry them back into the cool air. They left her one by one as dawn approached, sending rays of gold and amber over the trees and drawing dew drops from the grass. But On this morning, the trees were grim and still.

The animals told her that a hunter had come into the forest to kill her, and she waited. She did not run or bare her deadly teeth. She patiently rested her head on her paws and closed her eyes as she listened to the human approach, his footsteps growing nearer and nearer through the trees. When he came into the clearing, the wolf raised her head and observed him as he fumbled with his bow, a drop of sweat running from his brow down to his chin. She considered how easily she could crack his skull between her teeth, but remained motionless. The hunter hesitated, clearly thinking the same thing, and wondering why she did not rushcharge at him now, but soon enough he tightened his grasp on his bow and lodged an arrow in her chest. Quietly she laid down and died, and the hunter stared at her body in awe. Possibly a new paragraph here?He felt bothsad and happy as he watch the blood seep down her chest and pool up on the rocks. The thrill of the kill was hunt. I see what you're trying to say here, but it seems to be phrased awkwardly. You could even take this sentence out if you couldn't think of a way to revise it.He could not enjoy a kill that was not met with resistance. There was no fight, no chase, only death. Something about her presences at, the acceptance in her eyes, had shaken him. Something about the acceptance in her eyes.

He kneeledknelt before her, and tears flowed freely down his face, but his greed could not be washed away. He smiled as he examined her beautiful pelt, knowing no common wolf had fur so long and white, or blood so dark and vibrant. "I've killed a forest spirit" he muttered as fear, pride, and sorrow fought for control over his mind and body. He shivered when he looked at her eyes, which seemed thoughtful and awake, gazing straight at him. He jumped to his feet, then fell again to his knees when she used one last breath to speak.

"You will take my place and protect this forest. Kill only when you must. Take life only to preserve balance. Reap the benefits only after you have served the trees and creatures. I have done this duty long enough." As she spoke her fur became brown, her flesh began to rot, melting away from her bones, and her eyes became black and lifeless. "Fail me, and you will writhe between my jaws in the afterlife." Even the trees were quieter after she finished speaking, and only a pile of bones and blood remained. The hunter groaned as he let his bow fall to the ground. That beautiful pelt, probably worth more gold that he could carry, was gone. There was nothing he could bring home to his family except the bones, and what point was there in that.? He curled forward, resting his forearms on the ground, touching his head to the dirt. What point was there in returning to his family at all.? He could no longer remember their names.

Suddenly every beast, insect, and bird began call out. Even the trees spoke. Not in any language he understood, but in thoughts and feelings that he could hear. He began to scream with them, overwhelmed by terror. They all mourned for the wolf he had killed. They begged to know what fate held now that she had be replaced by her own murderer. "Murderer," they repeated. He felt his eyes trying to produce tears, but they could not. He began to tear at them with his hands until blood spilled down his face, dark and vibrant.

"Murder," he said as he slowly sat back on his heels, and the creatures went silent again. He gazed skyward, seeing only blackness, and felt the rivers of blood run down his cheeks. He smiled. They felt like tears. Drop by drop, his emotions fell to the earth, soaking into the soil. The creatures began to mutter softly throughout the forest, some fearful, some curious. He could see them more clearly than before. He could feel them. His fingers found the bow at his side and he rose, holding it firmly in both hands as he listened to his forest and his creatures. On clammy and steady feet he walked out of the clearing and disappeared into the trees.


Overall, I thought this was a really lovely and well-told story. You told it very powerfully, and it came alive through the adjectives you used and the strong verbs. I could see the beautiful wolf and hear the sounds of the forest, and feel the emotions of the hunter. The only weak part of your story was where you described his "emotions running into the grass". That section didn't have the same effect as the rest of the story, and I think it was over-simplified. Maybe if you had said something like "With each drop of blood, his anger and fear spilled off his brow and onto the rock, mixing with the dark blood of the majestic wolf that lay dead at his feet." Something like that sounds more powerful than just "his emotions ran into the grass". That's really the only suggestion I have for you, so until next time, keep writing, and I look forward to reading more!




LittleFox says...


Thank you! I'll try to get the errors all fixed :)



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Wed Aug 02, 2017 4:28 am
writingleos7 wrote a review...



Wow, that was so beautiful! You should be happy you've gotten back into writing because you definitely have something to work off of here. I love your writing style also, its the kind of narration that eases right into description - its not that traditional 'once upon a time' or let me tell you this kind of stuff. Your details are simply lovely too. To write about darker elements beautifully and attractively requires skill and you definitely show it with this piece. Your descriptions helped me visualize the scene too instead of giving me plain tell sentences. This is the kind of thing I'd actually be interested in updates of too! Best of luck :)




LittleFox says...


Thank you so much! :)




Who knows anything about anyone, let alone themselves.
— Hank Green