What Am I?

The world spun. I closed my eyes but it didn't stop. I tried counting, but the starless sky whipped around me at top speed. I was waiting to wake up in my bed again, but it never happened. I kept falling into oblivion.

I was alone.

The landscape came into focus. I was on my back. Groggily, I stood up. A sharp pain exploded in my lower back as I stretched. I felt around for any sign of a wound, but my skin was as smooth as ever. I leaned back on a rock to steady myself as the world did another spin around my head. The moon shone overhead like my mother's gentle face. Always watching. Now she's sleeping. Forever.

I took a deep breath to calm my disoriented vision and saw a slight flickering in the distance. I slightly recalled camping with my friends, so I began to make my way over to what looked like a fire. Stumbling along, I found myself enjoying the hypnotic rhythm of my limp. My legs would go "crunch, thumpcrunch, shhh; crunch, thumpcrunch, shhh," under the dry grass. The closer I got to the light, the higher the grass grew until it was dancing around my waist in the wind. When I thought I had gotten close enough for the men eating around the campfire to see me, I raised my hand to my mouth to call to them. I inhaled, but suddenly I felt this force strike my back with the energy of a charging boar. Flinching, I crumpled to the ground, cowering in front of whoever knocked me down. I covered my face.

The silence dragged on. I could only hear the crackle of fire and low mumble of drunk men from inside my sweaty hands. Very slowly, I exposed my eyes from my salty palms to see that nothing was there. I was completely alone.

Positioning my arms underneath my beating torso, I mustered the strength to lift my body back to full height. The force returned, and I felt as if someone was stepping on me while I was doing pushups. They were stepping on me, just like Commander Gordon did...

After numerous times of attempts and failures to get up off the ground, I went limp with sudden weakness. It was as if all the hardened warrior I portrayed on the outside had just vanished and left me with my vulnerable, nerdy inside. I never even remembered specifically when I had been a hardened warrior, I just felt this ping of familiarity as I thought of my old Commander. I didn't know who he was either, just some misplaced name I found lying in the back of my head. Like he said, I was weak.

Deciding to change tactics, I sunk my fingers into the gritty dirt and pulled myself forward, dragging the rest of my limp body with me. Another tang of deja vu sharpened my curiosity of my past, yet I could not recall any of it. I brushed the hairy grasses out of my face. Pungent-smelling seeds rained down on top of me. Looking back, I saw the trail of bent stalks closing up behind me, giving me a sense of claustrophobia. My stomach churned, and my head hit the ground. I couldn't go on. If only I could just lie there. As long as the fire blazed, I had to continue.

Finally, after what felt like hours of crawling, I made it to a break in the field. However, there was no light pouring from it like a second sun. Instead, a fox den jutted its front door out of the ground in the middle of the clearing. A red head poked its nose out the hole while four smaller snouts sniffed the air underneath it. The mama fox totally emerged from the ground, blocking the children from me. Very calmly, I dragged myself the long way around the den. The animal stared at me the entire time. It didn't move, it didn't snarl, it didn't blink. I moved on.

To my amazement, I made it to the camp before the moon set beyond the horizon. Just like the fox, I nuzzled my face out of the darkness and into the light where three tents surrounded the dying flames. A dark man sat in front of the orange embers, eating some SPAM. I waved him over to help, but he continued to stare at the fire with a blank look in his eyes. The log he sat on rolled back and forth under his weight. I remembered how my mother used to rock me to bed that way.

I suddenly was back up on my feet. I felt stronger, taller, braver. I walked right up to the distant man and snapped my fingers. No reaction. He shivered. I looked up and saw that it had started snowing. How come I wasn't cold? I looked down, and I wasn't wearing a coat of any kind, just my regular clothes I wear when playing with my children. The fire wasn't warming me, so what was? I disregarded it and moved on.

The sound of rushing water attracted my attention. Water! With newfound strength, I walked. I ran. I ran so far. I wanted to get away. Away from the man and his SPAM. More memories flooded in, and I was brought to my knees. Cringing, I breathed in and out heavily. I was so close to the water, I couldn't stop now. Not with the answers so close. Not with my memories coming and going like a twig in a stream. How could I stop?

With the last of my energy, I threw my top half forward, splashing the dry soil with my head in the river. The water was still. I rubbed my blistering hands clean of the dirt and blood. Then, I gazed at my face.

This was who I was. A shadow to the world. A pawn. A hair on a head. I could be molded however I was needed without my consent.

I was a soldier, I remember. My hair had grown out. I was not a soldier any more. My face was more grim. My eyes were sunken. My skin, perfect, but pale. I saw myself, but that was not who I was. That was not who I am.

With an aggravated attitude, I swiped at the water to rid my eyes of my reflection. The water hung in the air like ornaments on a Christmas tree. The water in front of me was rigid like an outstretched hand. I looked downstream and saw the water running like normal. The same was happening upstream. The water in front of me stayed frozen. With a shivering gasp, I realized who I was.

I am Daniel Carter. I fight for the U.S. Army. I will give my life to my country. I fight for freedom. I never give up. I love my parents. I love my brother, Henry, and my sister, Clare. I love Carla, and my children, Bill, Frank, and little Monaca on the way. I live in Salt Lake City, Utah. I prepare my death march. I killed for protection. I am good.

An array of images rushed through my mind. I saw my childhood playing with trains. I heard about the gradual collapse of Europe. I saw myself going to Church with my family. I heard the cheer at my college graduation. I saw Carla on the altar. I smelled Commander Gordon on that rainy Sunday morning.

I remember the boats arriving.

I remember unloading.

I remember getting caught on the barbed wire.

I remember being used as a bridge.

I saved their lives.

now a ghost must leave

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