Published January 13, 2010
Listen to me,
Whispers the voice asking for an ear,
Please somebody heed my words,
Can't anybody hear.
-
For I can only whisper,
Not say, shout, exclaim,
Just a raspy monotone,
Trying to explain.
-
Won't anybody hear me,
Over all this foolish chatter,
Of peoples words all melted together,
Do their conversations even matter?
-
But what I have to say is important,
A discovery beyond compare,
To change this world forever,
But how am I to know you care.
-
For I am just a whisper,
In a sea of droning shouts,
Grows louder as each voice competes,
To share their words about.
-
Don't we all realize,
The small voices do the most,
And revolutionize all our lives,
Like a universal toast.
-
So please somebody listen,
Not for loud words but the hidden,
Listen for the things we actually need to hear,
It's not like it's forbidden.
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Canary word: Present
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139,421 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
Hi Hawk! I'm Kat ^.^
I think you can always develop this a bit more, because there were some parts where it felt like you were repeating yourself.
So, I really liked this. I particularly like how even though you used common words and not that unique point of view, you managed to make it sound fresh. Plus, the rhyming really worked here, making a meaningful poem have a little bit more of a flow to it. The punctuation was good and all. I really haven't got much bad to say on this xD
My only thing with this is it's some of the grammar mistakes, punctuation mistakes and the flow is a bit sketchy at some points. AS you can see, not big matters xD So, please just take another look at this, read it out loud, check the words, revise it
Thanks for posting!
- Kat
Hey Hawk!
So, this poem was pretty good. You had a message, and it was a pretty good one. I didn't like the last stanza because you seemed to jump out of your good rhythm and rhyme scheme, while attempting to force your message down the reader's throat. No so good, huh? But that's my only quibble. Keep writing!
~Amy
Hey Litehawk! So I don't really think this sounds like Narrative poetry, because it doesn't really tell much of a story, but never the less I enjoyed it. The only thing I had trouble with was this stanza.
When you said toast, I actually pictured a slice of toast. Which I know is weird, but it took me a second to realize which kind of toast you were talking about xD. But overall I think you did a pretty good job, keep writing.I am with Ruby on this one, but I would like to offer some praise. Throughout the entire poem I felt the flow of the stanzas was very good. My favorite stanza was:
I chose this stanza because it felt the most gripping to me. Hopefully your next post is even better then this one.
Keep writing,
DayDreams
hi litehawk!
I really loved the poem! I think June and peanut have pointed out all the mistakes so there isn't much left for me to say.Anyways I am not really good at the criticizing thing.
I liked the rhyming scheme though the most and toast thing was a little strange.universal toast? you can perhaps replace it by another line.I would really like to listen to what you have to say!
great job
keep it up
.....july......
Hey, Hawk! June here!
I'm going to go through a few stanzas of this, pointing out some things I liked, and didn't like. Let's go. 
Not too bad of a poem here.
Although I am not much for heavy punctuating in poetry, I think that quotation marks or italics are necessary to distinguish the first line from sounding like a continued part of the rest, you know?
I don't like the usage of "For" in writing!
-
(Last stanza I will attack
*
I think you have an excellent start here. I'd recommend paying attention to meter.
Nonetheless, I enjoyed it. I would have liked to see a little bit more desperation about her wanting to be heard, though.
Keep writing!
- June
Hi Hawk
The last line is a question it needs a question mark.
Here you can put a period in the first line and a question mark in the second.
This is all a question you should put a question mark at the end.
I also saw that you capitalized every line. You don't have to do that for every line. Free verse is a great way to change up your poems, the way it is written doesn't have to be the same every time. Also when you write a poem like this where the questions are important to the piece be sure to put the correct end marks.
Overall I think this was a good poem. It wasn't exactly narrative, there wasn't one clear perspective it was told from and there wasn't really a story. I thought it was an interesting way to explain that even the smallest of voices have ideas for us to hear.