Published July 9, 2010
Pen and paper, camera and film,
I'd love to be able to keep it all.
Look back to solve all of the mysteries
That ultimately decide my final call.
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Who knew finding love could be this way,
So meticulous just to be sure,
Because if failure is the price I pay,
I'll never come to find the cure.
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And as I walk into her lure,
Which exists solely in my mind
I care not about this fatal fact
Leaving rationality behind.
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Hey LiteHawk,
I saw that you apologised for someone not understanding your meaning. I have a rule -- if someone doesn't understand your work, it's their fault. It works for me ...
Anyway, I liked the first line and I thought it might set a poem that didn't really on cliches, but I was wrong. You fell into the trap of writing a melancholic poem about love, and unfortunately, it's been done done done to death. "Failure is the price to pay" and "my final call" are examples of you using overworn phrases in place of your own, original language.
Also, I'm not sure you can walk into someone's lure. I thought you meant lair, maybe. Confusing.
Good luck!
Oh, I see! Perhaps you could make this point clearer, whether with another stanza or some sort of a prologue. Thanks for letting us know!
Pen and paper camera and film references my wishes to be able to record everything she and I said and did, to look back.. For signs that my feelings might be mutual.. Sorry >.< it was a bit of a personal thing
Hi Litehawk! I think the vote is unanimous that a different title is beneficial for the success of the poem. However, the content itself is wonderful!
I might work on meter a bit here. "Ultimately" doesn't quite "go with the flow," as it were.
I like how you don't use a question mark here. Usually, I'm all for punctuation, but when a question in a poem is retorical, I love the relaxed feel you get without it.
I noticed that you are inconsistent with your rhyme scheme throughout the poem. You go from ABCB to ABAB back to ABCB. Of course, you're free to have any rhyme scheme you want any be however inconsistent you want, but I might recommend changing the second stanza to the ABCB rhyme scheme. Did that make any sense?
I hope this helps!
I very much agree with Nike, it's an awesome poem but difficult to understand. When you talk about pen and paper, camera and film, are you talking about making a scrapbook? it would make sense for the first stanza, but the rest of it I am not so sure. Maybe, though, you won't have to rewrite the poem, but give it a new title? It would take a lot less work, and you won't have wasted your effort in writing the poem...
hi Litehawk. This piece is very different than the rest I have read before. I don't usually stop by Lyric Poetry until I say this one. It is nice but I don't understand some words (which is my own fault I know that) but some other people may not understand them either. This kind of doesn't make sense really- Pen and paper, Camera and Film- it seems like you don't talk about your title at all. And it's a bit confusing. It would be nice if you re-read it and try to make it sound like you're writing about the title. I love it though! Keep writing!
P.S.- I love your title because I like making films and writing!
Nike