Published January 15, 2010
Love and sadness,
An undeniably perfect pair,
Sweet redeeming euphoria,
Mixed with deep despair.
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Heartbreak makes it worse,
When intamacy makes it best,
Pains of love are inevitable,
An endless emotional test.
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And the strong prevail,
The ones who get it the worst,
Those people never will quit,
No matter how much it hurts.
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And for the ones,
Who toss the word around,
They hide their scars with shame,
Their lives become unwound.
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140,848 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey there!
This opening is excellent:
Not only is it true, but it's convincing -- so if your reader didn't beleive so, they're put under the impression that it is. It's also free and paints a picture of what you're poems going to do - compare the feelings, it's like a narrative introduction with a punch!
However then the poem feels like it's going into a more sadenned phase, more talking of experience, if you know what I mean? It feels almost like you've gone from a good opening of what could portray mystery, twists and impact, to this feel of depression. It might not be how you've meant it, but it feels that way and I prefer up-beat poems or something with a kick and I don't think this quite delivered.
My suggestion is to review it over and rewrite it, but keep this one. That's mighty important in poetry because reviews are very opinionated. Poetry delivers different messages and feelings to each reader. So just because I didn't take to it, doesn't mean it's bad, to someone else, they may fall-in-love with it!
Keep writing and happy editing!
Ben.
Hey,
I can't really say that I enjoy this one too much. It may have potential but theme of love alone is well too overused for me to appreciate anymore, and coupled with sadness, it kind of doesn't interest me.
At any rate, you could improve this. Instead of using the same images of scarring and broken hearts, invent some new ones. Think of something that you normally wouldn't associate with love, throw in some passionate vocabulary, and bingo. You have originality.
June
Hey there, I really like this piece.
Its very well put. I'm not good at spotting out the wrong things...so I'm just gonna say It is really good.
Keep up the good work,
~BG~
So... you are explaining two words in your poem: Love and sadness, obviously. (by the way, I think 'sadness' sounds a little childish. Maybe you could change it to despair? But, it's your work, you know)
But, in this stanza, you are talking about one word, and never specifically tell me which one... So now I am sitting here confused about what you meant by this poem.
Good start.
Classy