Published August 10, 2010
I want to be real,
I want to be there.
I want to be with you,
I want you to care.
-
And if I'm not still here,
When tomorrow is done.
Please live on without me,
I don't want to go on.
-
I wish I could hold you,
Things would all melt away.
I wish there was something,
That I could just say.
-
And when I'm not still here,
Please think of my words.
I want to live through them,
So I can be heard.
-
And now I am falling,
Pitch black at the end,
I just needed someone.
Just needed a friend.
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140,947 Literary Works • 673,778 Reviews
Nice!
~xX~Forsakinshadow~Xx~
Hey there! you wrote this poem well i think, because you used simple words to create in depth emotions.
when you wrote:
the first two lines(...when tomorrow is done) you put a period, but it sounds like it it should be a comma instead because you still haven't completed the sentence.
and also:
"And now I am falling,
Pitch black at the end,
I just needed someone.
Just needed a friend."
I like this part because it finally tells you what your talking about, and it was a good way to end the poem.
the poem sounds like it came naturally to you, and so it flows naturally.
So keep up the good work!
Hmm, I was expecting this to be about love and I was right. Nothing is wrong with love songs or love poetry or love itself. But you don't want it to slip through the cracks itself. You don't want it to sound to Cliché. This could have gone better than what it was. It has potential to be made into something better than it is. But overall I like it. 6.5/10 for you! Keep writing!
its nice and simple and to the point. and i like how the beginning is almost the same
i like it, its really simple, but it makes its point, the beginning has a good flow
i'm not too fond of this though.
The last one doesn't seem to flow effortlessly like the rest, overall i like the simplicity.
Hey, nice job. It flows really nicely.
I love how it starts. Flows nicely, and draws you in.
I think perhaps you could rephrase 'i don't want to go on' i think it kind of brings the reader to a bit of a stump and the repeat of 'go on' perhaps doesn't suit the flow of the poem or the general impression i think.
i loved the end, it was really touching.
Overall : Nice job! i enjoyed reading it apart from that one little bit. I find poetry quite difficult to writer myself, so i think you did a really nice work. congratulations! Will you be sending it to any competition?