Young Writers Society

Hey @Lissa, caliginous here.

I love this poem, it's so much deeper than I originally thought it would be based in the length.

@felestia and @WarmEyesMeltSnow made the point of leaving too much too the imagination. I'm going to have to (respectfully) disagree with them on this matter. If you think about it, it's not leaving as much to the imagination as assumed upon first glance. Yeah, I know, I just basically said "if you think about it, you don't have to think about it as much." By that I meant just read it over, and more tiny details will jump out at you.

I personally love how you did that. There are so few words, yet every last one has so many meanings. Some meaning are there when you skin through, yet some only appear after rereading it several times.

The only major question really left to the imagination is "why?" This is an important question that needs to be answered. But not in this case. In this poem, "why?" SHOULD be left to the imagination. In a way, it really enhances the story. It also made me want to read it a whole bunch of times. So I did. And I'm still reading it some more times.

Of corse I'm not going to be stating what everything means. It enhances the experience when it comes together in your own head. Besides, there may be other ways to interpret it.

ANYWAY...

I do agree the title could be stronger. The simplicity is nice, but it doesn't say a whole lot about the poem. I almost completely overlooked it. It does go along with the eyes, the feezing, and the electricity though. But a more fitting and explanatory title is strongly suggested.

"Bursts of / Electricity" This should be one line. It would flow smoother and go along with the pattern you set earlier:
"Tugging hard"
"Reaching out farther"
"Freezing me inside"
"Bursts of / Electricity"
These lines seem connected. They are the consequences of not getting up, not going with the one glaring at you. It may just be me that sees this pattern, but it seems meaningful. It wouldn't hurt to continue it.

The italicized words are placed perfectly, and add yet another layer of depth into the poem. I'm not going to go on about this because I've rambled on enough already.

The way the poem started off so soft, I almost assumed it was going to be a love story. In a way it sort of is, but both the narrator and the other character are horribly missing the concept of love. Especially the other character.

Dang it, I went off on a tangent again. I've already deleted too many of those, so I'm going to leave it.

What I was trying to say was I absolutely loved how it sarted off so soft, but progressively got darker and more controlling. You used the perfect words to show this change.

Well I'm going to end my way-too-long review here before I go into anything else. Excellent job!

~caliginous

Hi Lissa, Felistia here with a short review.

Interesting poem, it catches my eye as soon as I start to read it. The title isn't as eye catching, but that's okay. The poem isn't very descriptive and doesn't really paint a picture in my mind, but it is still a pleasant read. As WarmEyesMeltSnow said it leaves a lot to the imagination and perhaps a bit to much. The ending is a perfect way to end and explains a lot about what's going on. Nice work, but the poem could still use a bit of work. Have a great day\night.

This is a great poem, its vety abstract and leaves a lot of room for thinking about it... Maybe too much. Perhaps a little more description?

This is a great poem, its vety abstract and leaves a lot of room for thinking about it... Maybe too much. Perhaps a little more description?