E - Everyone

A Lady's War: Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Eleanor Scia held the jennet's reins firmly in her hand, waiting for Lady Sophia to mount. Her mistress had begged her father, the Earl of Enthir, to allow her to go riding. He was a strict man, preferring to keep his two children, the Lady Sophia Mountfort and the Honourable Thomas Mountfort inside, despite them being the age of nineteen and twenty-two respectively. Realising her mistress was safely seated in the saddle, Eleanor led the jennet towards the castle gates.

“Milady, are you sure you don't want me or a guard to accompany you on your ride? It could be dangerous for a noblewomen on her own in the forest,” Eleanor murmured quietly.

Lady Sophia was, in Eleanor's eyes, the best mistress to be a servant to. And this meant they shared a solid bond of friendship, unlike most of the grudging respect most servants show to their masters.

“No, I am quite sure I'll be fine, please, don't worry,” Lady Sophia smiled, “Just ensure someone lays down a fresh bedding of hay in Cobalt's stall. He likes to rest after a ride.”

Bowing her head, Eleanor promised she would. One of the stable-hands could take care of it, and she could finish some of her other chores. All Lady Sophia was asking was to make sure that Cobalt would be well cared for when they returned.

“Ride safe then, milady, and be careful!” Eleanor said, watching as her mistress left.

She turned around and headed towards the stables.

**

Lady Sophia gripped Cobalt's reins as she dismounted, carefully stepping down onto the forest floor. The jennet stood stock still, showing off his fine training. Jennets were one of the most favoured horse types for ladies, due to their gentle nature and small build. They were a far cry from the knights' destriers, who were of a large, bulky build, perfect for charging at the enemy. There was no way jennets could be battle horses, but they didn't need to be. It was truly only noblewomen who ever rode them. Turning round, she viewed the reason why she had stopped. It was a strange shape laying next to a tree.

“Probably nothing,” Lady Sophia muttered, “Probably a strange rock, but everything is worth a look.”

As she neared the shape, she cried out and leapt backwards. It was a man, dead, his eyes open but unseeing. After she had overcome her initial shock, she stared at the body, noticing the arrow embedded deep into the chest. However, the most horrific thing was not the poor man's manner of death, but the coat of arms embroidered on his blood-soaked tunic. A golden griffin on a black shield could mean only one thing; it was the crest of her family, the crest of the esteemed Mountforts, the family who were in favour of the king. Slowly, she edged away from the body, back towards where Cobalt was standing. Reaching blindly for his reins, she contemplated what her next choice of action would be. Cobalt tossed his head, trying to turn back the way they had come. Lady Sophia took it as a sign. She mounted hastily, then, spurring her jennet on, galloped back towards the castle.

**

Eleanor struggled to keep her mistress' elaborate gown off the floor. It was fundamental that not a spot of dirt touched it, especially as it had just been cleaned. Unfortunately, it's elongated length meant that carrying it was an extremely risky business. As she finally reached the doors of Lady Sophia's chambers, Eleanor halted. She could hear the thunderous rhythm of a horse's hooves. Just one of the Earl's knights, back from a hunt, Eleanor thought to herself. Out of habit, she glanced out of one of the castle's many windows. Galloping like the devil was chasing him, Cobalt charged through the courtyard, Lady Sophia seated low in the saddle. A frown crossing her face, Eleanor bustled into her mistress' chambers. She hanged the gown over the screen that offered Lady Sophia privacy whilst changing, then hurried out the room. Once she had made it to the courtyard, she rushed towards the royal stables. Lady Sophia was standing outside Cobalt's stall, checking that her beloved horse was okay.

“Milady?” Eleanor said uncertainly.

Lady Sophia spun round, hand over her heart.

“Thank the Lord, Eleanor, it's just you!” she cried.

Eleanor raised an eyebrow, not quite knowing why her mistress sounded so startled. Leaning on the door to Cobalt's stall, she carefully assessed the condition of the jennet. His flanks were slick with sweat, his mane was matted, and he was breathing heavily. He stood against the wall, but looked as if he was about to slump down to the floor.

“Milady, he doesn't look well. I fear you may have pushed him too hard,” Eleanor said, then spun round to see a stable-hand, and added, “Freshen the water in this trough, then rub the jennet down with cool water.”

She turned away, and gestured for Lady Sophia to follow. If she was a servant to another person, Eleanor would've been punished for disrespect, but she and Lady Sophia did not care much for formalities, and they only displayed the correct relationship between servant and mistress when in the presence of higher ranked people. Lady Sophia did indeed follow, but it was reluctantly.

“Eleanor, I have to speak to Father, but I have a lesson with my tutor now. Could you tell him I am not feeling well and have retired to my chambers? That's a perfectly reasonable excuse, and he can't come to my chambers to investigate, because that would be intruding upon my privacy,” she murmured, wanting her words to be only heard by Eleanor, and not the stable-hands who were prone to gossiping with the kitchen maids.

Her brow creased, Eleanor considered her answer with great thought. It never paid to lie to a tutor, as their family and the Earl's usually went back generations together, allies and friends. But her mistress had an urgency in her voice that Eleanor could not ignore.

“Yes, milady. I have but one question about this matter, what if your tutor finds out I was lying? The punishment...”

“Would be non-existent. I promise, and if you were caught lying, I would take full responsibility anyway.”

Reassured greatly, Eleanor walked up the stone stairs that led to the castle's main entrance, and slipped down a corridor to the grand Hall of Records, where Lady Sophia's tutor awaited. Lady Sophia strode purposefully towards the castle's main hall, wondering what her father would make of her news.

**

Tentatively, Lady Sophia asked the two guards who stood outside the main hall's double doors if they could permit her entrance. At once, they refused. Lady Sophia glared at them. She knew these guards, they showed no respect to those of a higher rank, and yet her father insisted they kept their jobs.

“I demand you allow me entrance. I need to tell my father something of the utmost importance,” she said coldly.

The guards laughed and shook their heads. Raising herself to her full height, Lady Sophia curled her lip in disgust and repeated her demand.

“The Earl wants no visitors at the moment, he is discussing important business with the King's advisers,” one of them explained.

“So? I'm his daughter, and you are no more than a pitiful guard!” Lady Sophia cried out.

“And you will be confined to your chambers if you're not careful! We have the power to do that, so I suggest you leave quietly and come back later.”

At that moment, the double doors swung open from the inside, and the Honourable Thomas Mountfort stepped out into the corridor. Lady Sophia sighed with relief at the sight of her brother.

“Thomas, please help me, I must speak to Father, but these two guards will not allow me to enter,” she said, not noticing the fact that her brother had just emerged from the main hall.

“Whatever it is, Sophia, it must wait. You can't come in here, so just go back to your chambers. No, better yet, go to your lesson, I know you have one now.”

And with those words, Thomas turned around and re-entered the main hall. Tears streaked down Lady Sophia's face. She had a longing to see her father, to let someone wiser and older take control of the situation. The unseeing eyes of the dead man in the forest floated to the front of her vision, and she shook her head, trying to clear them out of her mind. While she did this, the raucous laughter of the guards filled her ears.

“Quiet!” she screamed, “Please!”

“Milady, you don't seem well,” chuckled the one who had talked earlier, “Perhaps you should go see the physician, I am quite sure he has something for instability in the mind.”

Despite her sobbing, Lady Sophia heard this and looked up.

“How dare you!”

She slapped the guard, right across the cheek, leaving a red mark against the paleness of the man's face. The desperation she had felt had led to anger, and she had blindly acted upon it. The guard put his own hand to his cheek, eyes blazing with rage and not mockery, as they had done before. He stepped forward, and Lady Sophia fled. Running down corridors without a single thought, she considered what to do next. There was no way she could retreat to her chambers; the guards would check there first. The Hall of Records, where her tutor gave his lessons? No, the guards had heard her brother mention her lesson, and all lessons took place in the Hall of Records. Although she was of a higher rank than the guards, assaulting one was a serious crime, and one that would earn her at least a couple of weeks imprisonment. And she was quite sure her father wouldn't listen to her if she was in a cell. Breathing heavily, Lady Sophia slipped down a side corridor. It was one not many travelled, but it was a way of reaching the courtyard without moving down the main corridors – and into the waiting guards. She sat down in a small alcove, resting. I should never have slapped that guard, she thought, Father will kill me when he finds out! I'm sure of it. Oh, was I not taught to control my anger? While she sat there, lost in her thoughts, a loud, sudden noise echoed through the corridors.

“My daughter did what?” the Earl of Enthir bellowed.

Lady Sophia shakily got to her feet, looking left and right. Her father now knew about the incident; nowhere in the castle was safe. She supposed she should just take the punishment, but no-one would ever treat her the same again. For now, at least, her only choice was to leave the castle and wait till the situation cools down. Exiting the side corridor, she crept into the courtyard, and, keeping her head bowed, hurried to the stables. She felt bitterly sorry for Cobalt, he had galloped the whole way back to the castle not long ago, and now looked set to do the same, just in opposite directions.

Watch where you are going, young lady!” a voice growled.

Lady Sophia's head snapped up, and came face to face with a destrier . She looked up further, until her eyes were locked with the dark eyes of a young man. Slowly, she backed away, the horse's full body coming into view. And on the back of the horse, behind the man, was a body. No, not a body, but the body.

“You-you found him, in the forest, right?” she stammered.

The rider twisted in the saddle to look down at the corpse. At once, his eyes became clouded with suspicion. Dismounting in one fluid movement, he stepped so he was directly in front of Lady Sophia.

“I think you and me need a talk.”

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review · Tue Aug 13, 2013 11:03 pm

Hey Lio!

Shady here with a review for you this fine afternoon, as requested. c:

After she had overcome her initial shock, she stared at the body, noticing the arrow embedded deep into the chest. However, the most horrific thing was not the poor man's manner of death, but the coat of arms embroidered on his blood-soaked tunic.
~ Don't tell us that she 'had overcome her initial shock', show us.

"Her body racking with silent sobs, hand clamped tightly over her mouth, she carefully inched forward, her eyes locked on the dead man before her, lying in a puddle of his own blood. A single arrow was deeply embedded into his chest, right beside...

She gasped as she saw the coat of arms embroidered on his blood-soaked tunic."

See the difference? That example helps us to get a picture of your woman, which is what you want. Use description. Your readers will love you for it. c:
~

It was fundamental that not a spot of dirt touched it, especially as it had just been cleaned. Unfortunately, it's elongated length meant that carrying it was an extremely risky business.
~ Your vocabulary is too stiff. No one things/talks like that. I understand you're wanting dramatic words (and, in most of places you have it, it works well), but you need a balance. Maybe...

"It was essential that not a speck of dirt got on the mistress's freshly cleaned dress. She didn't like wearing dirty clothes, and certainly didn't take kindly to changing in to dresses that were already soiled. However, with the length of the skirts on this dress, carrying it through the halls could be a risky business."

Or something. Make it more conversational.
~

She hanged hung the gown over the screen that offered Lady Sophia privacy whilst changing, then hurried out from the room.


“Eleanor, I have to speak to Father, but I have a lesson with my tutor now. Could you tell him I am not feeling well and have retired to my chambers? That's a perfectly reasonable excuse, and he can't come to my chambers to investigate, because that would be intruding upon my privacy,”
~ Mm, I'm not sure that someone would explain that much...especially not to someone that she considers a friend. If they've been together for a long time, surely Eleanor could tell her mistress's motives without being told, no?
~

She knew these guards. They showed no respect to those of a higher rank, and yet her father insisted they kept their jobson letting them keep their jobs.

~

“So? I'm his daughter, and you are no more than a pitiful guard!” Lady Sophia cried out.
~ Aw, come on. Can't she come up with a bit more venomous than 'pitiful guard'?~ "So? I am his daughter, and you are no more than an uneducated heathen my father hired to wave a sword around and look scary. You were not hired to think, or to speak back-- you were hired to obey, and I demand you grant me access to my father. Immediately."
~

The desperation she had felt had led to anger, and she had blindly acted upon it. The guard put his own hand to his cheek, eyes blazing with rage and not mockery, as they had done before.
~ That first sentence. Not necessary. We just saw what she did. The second could be rewritten... "The guard put his own hand to his cheek, eyes blazing, all traces of amusement long gone from them." Or something.
~

Running down corridors without a single thought, she considered what to do next.
~ This sentence is contradictory of itself. "Without a single thought, she started thinking" is what this means...
~

Okay. So, I like him stepping forward and Sophia fleeing. Very believable. A little, weak girl accidentally slapping a man-- then running. Amusing, realistic. But then you loose your realism. A guard wouldn't hunt down the Duke's daughter.

And...
Although she was of a higher rank than the guards, assaulting one was a serious crime, and one that would earn her at least a couple of weeks imprisonment.
~ No. Dukes (therefore a Duke's children) were nobility. They could do whatever they wanted. Period. As a woman, she could get in trouble for hitting a man-- especially if that man was of equal or higher rank than her-- but she would definitely not get her imprisoned. Yelled at by her father? Sure, depending on the dad. Imprisoned? Nah.

The guard wouldn't even be allowed to hit her back, without, like, being severely punished (maybe even killed). Her being a girl, and a fairly young one, she might've fled because the big, scary man was angry with her-- but that's it.

Read up on feudal society, and you'll the see positions of Lords/Dukes-- and see that they're higher than knights, who are higher than regular soldiers/guards. So...yeah. I sort of like the feudal system. I find it quite interesting, and it's pretty vital, if you want to write a medieval-ish fantasy (the best types <3).
~

She supposed she should just take the punishment, but no-one would ever treat her the same again.
~ >-> Wrong.
~

Actually, lots of that bit is wrong. You can keep her fleeing (so she runs into the man), but maybe make it more "I'm scared of my Daddy finding out what I did and getting mad and shouting at me" than a "I'm a criminal on the run"?
~

:o You're dirty. Just leave us hanging like that. Not knowing who the man is. Not knowing what he wants. Not knowing what he'll do to her, or if he even knows who she is. Does she get beat up? Kidnapped? Yelled at? Grr, I want to know what he does.

(Final note: I'm not sure if you use 'you and me' as characterization. If it's just to establish your characters then that is fine. Good, actually. c: But grammatically correct is 'you and I', just to be sure you know. ^-^)

And...hm...I'm bad at summarizing (that's why I spend so much time nitpicking grammar and plot holes. c:<), but I liked this piece quite a bit. Fantasy, action-- the type of stuff I eat up. You have fairly good descriptions, and have established Sophia and Eleanor very well. The brother and father need lots more fleshing out-- especially the brother, since we actually see him, albeit, very briefly.

So...first chapter= success. I want to read more, which is good. I have an awful time getting people hooked in first chapters, but you've caught my attention. I'd like to read more of this, and would be happy to review subsequent chapters, if you're ever in need. c:

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

User avatar
deleted17
Review

Well, this was interesting. I find that I like Lady Sophia and Eleanour very much. And it should be 'You and I.'

Onto the review. This was well thought out and I liked it. Some people say "Curiosity killed the cat" and I liked to say, then why did curiosity kill the cat? I think that is what this story is going to be about: Why did Curiosity kill the cat? Lady Sophia is the cat, but then... Who is Curiosity? I could care less about grammar, everybody makes mistakes, you should see the things in final print. Keep on writing, and I hope you have more in the future.

With All Do Respect
Whole Some Reader

User avatar
emalik Review
emalik wrote a review · Sat Aug 10, 2013 6:27 pm

A story of a young lady who decides to go on a ride into the forest and something awful happens she finds a dead man's body in the forest. She hurries home to find her father and tell him but he is busy in a meeting. An adventure for a young lady of her degree. A historical fiction tale of young lady sophia. The daughter of an Earl who has anger problems and slaps a guard which is against her fathers rules.

Is this a review? This is only the first chapter. And no, Lady Sophia does not have anger issues, she has just had a rough time.

yes it is lioness and in those days even if she is the earls daughter she would have been put to death for slapping a guard

This is not a review, look up at Shadowvyper's review, there is a real one there. Reviews are meant to help people by telling them what's good and what's not, your review is telling me the plot of my own story. I basically did the work for you. And no, an earl 's daughter would not be put to death, they are of a much higher rank then guards.



In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
— Robert Frost