Young Writers Society

Wow Lin! Impressive story, or beginning to a story, if I do say so myself. I love how alive Amalia is so peppy and pretty! I love her already and I can't wait to hear more about her. Richard seems like an interesting enough person, although things seem a little rough for him. If someone like Amalia was leaving my life, I'd feel sad too :/. Great story though so far! I can't wait to read more.

i LOVE IT! sorry about the caps^^ lol well it was a wonderful story! Perfectly cute at all the right moments! You really had that flow going on of richard getting all nervous and such. Amalia was a very charming and cute character. She is so innocent as I would think you would portray her. But what are their ages? I'm thinking between 12-14 maybe? Well it was very cute lovely voice in the story I really want to read your other stories! thanks for writing this!^^

Bokmål, Lin! (<--- Hello in Norwegian. Just getting into the spirit. )

I told you I'd have a look at this. Sorry, it took so long.

Also, I was slightly disappointed when I realized Ryback does not actually appear in this story.
But, no worries!

I really liked this story! It really does make me think of the song, and it had an overall nice mood to it.
However (there are always howevers), I think you rushed things a bit in some places. I didn't get to know the characters very well. A little more characterization would have been better. Also, I was confused about the age of your MC. If he really is a small child, they might not have kissed so passionately. And if he is not such a small child, then he wouldn't find a robin egg while playing. The playing bit had me thinking he was much younger. So maybe explain playing exactly what he was playing(like a sport or something), whereas just playing gets me thinking Richard is very young.

I know they are children, but there is a lot of difference between a ten year old and a twelve year old.


This a very sweet story, but I just thought it came short of true emotions. Or maybe I'm just really stone hearted. Maybe if we see more of the friendship between Richard and Amalia, we might get a better sense of the love/attraction between them. I would then, as a reader understand Richard's loyalty and devotion more.

As I mentioned earlier, characterization could be worked on. You've got the basics though. I do like the contrast between Amalia's personality and Richard's. I suggest you flesh them out a bit more.

Also, in the second part, where Richard tells us of visiting the barn often, I think here, again, we need more emotions. What exactly goes through his mind when he visits the barn? I don't think you should have it too long, because I do like the simplicity of it, but couple more sentences wouldn't hurt. I just want to know how old he is, or how long has it been since Amalia left.

On the whole, a very sweet story. I love how you chose the barn as the setting. It really adds to the whole mood of the story.


-Zehra

Linny, as you know I hate that song. But your story showed emotion and conflict between the characters, and your plot was wonderful. I might just have to go listen to the song now..... Good job!
~peanut~

Hey Lin love, didn't I tell you I'd be knockin' on your door? Stellz here!

I didn't even know it was based on lovely Alexander's song! Now I'm definitely reading...

I. NITPICKS

Her pretty eyes were as blue as the robin egg that I found yesterday while playing.

I was really scared of rats ever since my brother was bitten by one and become deathly sick.

“Really, Richard?” I cringed as she said my real name like she always does. Everyone else calls me Rick, but she insists on calling me Richard. To be different. “They always have happy endings. Don’t you wish life could be that way, too?” she asked me.

Hi Lin! Here as requested. (Sort of. I'm the one who wanted to see this. xD)

So, since this is a romance one-shot I can stand it and I like it. Onto the review.

rocking back and forth. Her hair bounced as she jumped up and down impatiently.

Her pretty eyes were as blue as the robin egg that I found yesterday while playing.

“A fairytale?” I raised an eyebrow at her. Her face was soft and dreamlike, like she was in a completely different world.

She let go of my hand and ran to one of the bales and climbed up on it.

and become deathly sick.

“I guess I do too,” I replied to her,

I cringed as she said my real name like she always does

Everyone else calls me Rick, but she insists on calling me Richard.

she asked me.

She was going to be moving soon; her father got a job in another country and the whole family was going.

“What?” she looked back up into my eyes, making my heart start to pound again.

“I am going to miss you when you leave,”

I nodded.

Linnn!! *tear rolls down cheek*
I thought it was beautiful I was listening to a sad song while reading this too. You've just inspired me and kicked me out of my temporary writer's block xD

Since everyone else covered the grammar and descriptions and all of that other technical stuff, I'll tell you what I think of the overall idea:

I must say, I love Amalia also. My favorite types of characters are the optimistic, beautiful ones that seem to come straight out of a fairytale. I also like the contrast you have by putting Richard in there. He seems like one of those characters that just don't have things easy going for them. Like everyone else said, you should make him more unique. It's always important to add special things to the characters that seem ordinary, otherwise he's just one in a million. There's got to be a reason that Amalia likes him. Why is that? Just answer that, through descriptions of course xD

Your writing style is on the verge of being seen in people's heads. When I picture the story in my mind, I see the setting and I see the characters, but they're still just blurs of colors and shadowed figures. Make the barn real! I've never really read about barns aside from Charlotte's Web. If it's a barn, I'm sure there are animals in it! Where is the neighing of horses in the background and the bleating of sheep?! How about those cowbells ringing or the animals munching on hay? What about the spiderwebs that dangle from the ceiling and the morning dew that kisses the surface of plants and glitters with the light of the morning sun?! I want to be there! It's a fairytale. Take me to this world!

The emotions were still a little fuzzy also. Put yourself in Richard's place and make him really feel. And what about Amalia? Perfect people have emotions too! Give little signs of how she feels. Are those smiles concealing her true feelings? What does she think of Richard's facial expressions? Does Richard believe Amalia's face expressions, or does he just care about how pretty and out of this world she is? Is it a superficial love? Where is the hidden message between the lines?

Title: The title doesn't really make sense =_= It's kind of like in my Harvest Moon game where you find an ore while mining, you just have to refine it. Can someone really be a fairytale? A fairytale can't really describe a single person. I'd recommend something like "She's my fairytale" or "She's from a fairytale", but that would ruin the magic in it? >< I don't know. I hope you find something good, though.

I'm not sure if this would work well as a beginning since it's sort of vague and the setting isn't introduced aside from the barn. Maybe you could try writing a preface or prologue so we have an idea of what's coming up.

Overall, I really liked it I want to keep reading more and watch this story develop. Try listening to music relating to your story, it'll really help. Observe people and look around you. Google some pictures! Rather than having the storyline be blurry, make it clear! Make it vivid! I know you can do it, Lin!

Also, I couldn't help but notice this:

Lin910 wrote:“You think there are rats in here?” I asked, interrupting her. I was really scared of rats ever since my brother was bitten by one and *become deathly sick.

Linkitty-Caterpillar! Juniper here!


=]

So! It's been a good century since you last posted, right, right?

Let's have a stab!

I sighed and remembered why I was here in the first place. Her pretty eyes were as blue as the robin egg that I found yesterday while playing. Her hair, the same color as the honey her mother fixed for us whenever we went to her house. She was my image of perfect.

Before I saw it coming, she tackled me in a hug. I fell back onto the hay as she lay on top of me, clinging to my body. A stray piece of hay kept poking my neck.

I think the first two comments pretty much pointed out your errors, I did like your plot

Thanks for pointing out all those things. I didn't realize the repetition either. Thank ya'll.

*not a very good editor herself today*

*Lin

Hey Catlin! Here to review, just like a promised. So let's get started!

Her golden hair bounced

The wind blew softly as leaves fell around the barn, giving a perfect image of an early fall day.

She was my image of perfect.

Her pretty blue eyes were as blue as the robin egg that we found yesterday on the ground, below the nest.

Her hand was so soft, like my mother’s apron that she wore whenever she cooked.

“Isn’t it magical?” she gushed, squeezing my hand. My cheeks turned red as I turned away from her, nodding.

“Really Richard?” I cringed as she said my real name like she always does. Everyone else calls me Rick, but she insists on calling me Richard. To be different.

“Yep. They always have happy endings. Don’t you wish life could be that way, too?” she asked me.

“I guess I do too,” I replied to her, staring at our hands entwined.

“Definitely,” I replied, still staring into her eyes. “Everything could work out perfectly.”

my eyes looking down at my barefoot feet.

Did she not like me saying that? Did she not like me at all? Did she think I was a wimp?

Lin! *tackles* Music here, as... commanded?


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

I looked up curiously at the huge old building, intimidated by [s]it’s[/s]its enormous size.

“Of course it is!” Amalia exclaimed. “Now, are you coming or not?”

Her pretty blue eyes were as blue as the robin egg that we found yesterday on the ground, below the nest. <--I'd take out the first 'blue' here; it's repetitive.

“Yay!” She ran and grabbed my hand and pulled me to the door. Her hand was so soft, like my mother’s apron that she wore whenever she cooked. <--Here, it isn't clear enough whether you mean Richard's mother or Amalia. To make sure we know it's Rick's mom, rephrase it to something like this- "Her hand was so soft, like the apron my mother wore whenever she cooked.

We walked into the barn, and Amalia closed the door behind us. The sun was shining in through the cracks in the roof, giving us a little light to see. Bales of hay were stacked all around us on [s]the[/s] wooden planks. The whole area gave off a creepy aura, and I was tempted to run back out of there.

My cheeks turned red as I turned away from her, nodding. <---I don't like that you used "turned" twice here. Why not replace the second with "shifted" or "twisted" or "looked"? “It’s, like, so mysterious and strange, but pretty, in a way. Like a fairytale!”

“A fairytale?” I looked back at her. <--I'd like description of what her face is like here.

I was deathly scared of rats ever since my brother was bitten by one and become deathly sick. <--I'm really not liking this habit of repeating the same word in one sentence, whether it's intended or not. ^^ How about, "I had been deathly scared of rats ever since my brother was bitten by one and became very sick."

The light shined just right so [b]that it landed directly onto [s]of[/s] her hair, giving it a sparkly rich color.

“I guess I do too,” I replied to her, staring at our [s]hands entwined.[/s]intertwined hands.

“Really, Richard?” I cringed as she said my real name, like she always does. Everyone else calls me Rick, but she insists on calling me Richard. [<--Tense change in this sentence.] To be different. Why not keep this in the same paragraph?“Yep. They always have happy endings. Don’t you wish life could be that way, too?” she asked me. I think this part sounds like a response to what she just asked Richard, especially the "Yep" part.

She was going to be moving soon; her father got a job in another country and the whole family was moving. Maybe you are doing this intentionally, but I'm not fond of it.

“I am going to miss you when you leave,” I said softly, my eyes looking down at my [s]barefoot feet[/s]bare feet.

I fell back onto the hay as she lay on top of me, [s]clinging her arms around me[/s]clinging to my body. A stray piece of hay kept poking my neck. <--I like this description.

“I’m going to miss you too,” she [s]whispered-sobbed[/s]whispered, sobbing into my ear.

Does she think I’m crazy? She just said that [<--You need to specify what you mean by 'that'. It sounds as if he's saying she just called him crazy. Elaborate.], but does she really mean it? Is she just saying that to be nice?

As I went through all my anxieties in my head, [s]and[/s] out of [s]no where[/s]nowhere, she grabbed both of my hands. I looked up just in time to see her come closer and kiss me softly.

When she finally broke away, she said softly [<--You're using softly too much.], “I-I-I’m sorry, Richard. I have to go.” I nodded.

“I don’t know.” She turned back around and hugged me tightly. “Goodbye, Richard.”

“Goodbye, Amalia.”

And I’m still in love with a fairytale too.

Amalia. <---Wonderful ending.