Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
"W-who are you?!" I squeaked, peeking out from behind the recliner.
"Oh, haha..." the figure by the window laughed. Judging by the voice, it was a young male. "I go by Fade."
"What.. what are you doing in my house?" I narrowed my eyes, trying to make out what he looked like. It was too dark.
"I've been in here for a long time, kid.." he replied.
Dumbfounded, I stared at the glowing red eyes, which was all I could see of him. "Are.. you some kind of burglar..?"
"What? No." he burst out laughing, "Stupid, why would I rob anything from this dump? Not that I need to rob anything from anywhere anyway."
Fade... I thought, remembering that that was what he introduced himself by, strange name..
"So, Axel..." Fade was about to say something, but I cut him off with, "How do you know my name?"
"Like I said, I've been here for quite some time." Fade grumbled, "anyway.. When will the power turn back on in this shit hole?"
"Can you tone down the language?" I wasn't allowed to swear, and it made me feel weird whenever "Fade" did.
"No, I'll swear as much as I motherfucking want, got it, ass-face?" Fade snapped.
What the heck is this guy's deal..? Who is he and why is he here? I frowned. The power turned back on, fortunately.
There by the window stood a very pale boy. He looked about my age, maybe a bit older. His skin was paper-white, with black hair threatening to cover one of his glowing red eyes. He appeared extremely thin. He wore a gray jacket, with three spikes on each shoulder, two straps on both upper-parts of his arms, and both wrist areas of the jacket. Black jeans complemented them quite well, along with some black Converse shoes.
"Would you look at that." Fade turned his gaze to the light,that was in the middle of the living room. I just kept staring at him, probably gaping.
"What are you staring at?" he asked, as he turned his face back to me.
"I uh.. what... what are you?" he barely looked human to me.
"None of your goddamned business, 'kay?"
"Um.. yes it is... you're in my house."
"Eh. I don't care whose house I'm in, it's none of your business." Fade grumbled.
"Axel, I'm home!" I heard my mom shout from the kitchen.
"Crap!" I whispered, "hide!" I did a 'shoo' motion to Fade, and turned to look where my mother would be coming from.
She came around the corner, "Sorry, your Grandma needs to learn how to do things herself." she didn't mind helping Grandma though. I knew that. "I'm going to take a shower, and start with lunch." she smiled, and went off to the bathroom.
Letting out a breath, and looked around for Fade. I couldn't find him anywhere. "Fade..?" I whispered. No sign of him. Maybe I was just imagining him... I thought.
He seemed so real. There's no way he could have been my imagination, could he?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi!
I like your story so far
There's not much left for me to say since the other reviewers covered most of it
but there's this:
'What the heck is this guy's deal..? Who is he and why is he here?'
I think that this should be in italics and you can get rid of the apostrophes.
"There by the window stood a very pale boy..."
I love this whole paragraph and how you described Fade. You also showed Fade's personality quite well in the dialogue.
Overall, I like your writing style and how you finish your chapters
Keep on writing!
Thanks so much! I love the support and help the people ln this site give. <3
Lot's of dialogue and action right from the get-go, which isn't too much of a bad thing if done right, but here I'm afraid it's all dumped so fast and furious that I am instantly taken out of the action.
I am a firm believer in setting up mood and atmosphere before a word is even said, but you don't have to take it that far of course, but you should remember to take a break and set up where the characters are and what the setting is.
Other than that, I think you have some pretty cool characters here, and I like the dialogue, but always remember to set up your atmosphere.
I'd say you have a lot to work on, including spelling issues, but I think you're on to something.
Thanks. ^-^ The first chapter ended with, "W-who are you?!" so I kind of just started from there.
I loved the way you introduced Fade, giving him some great dialogue and then having him poof. You've introduced a great story without just burying us with information. Great job.
Let's start with the grammar things I noticed:
I wasn't aloud to swear-- should be allowed
it's non of your business." Fade grumbled.--Should be none.
And now for the writing nitpicks:
You don't need both laughed, and "haha" pick one. I prefer just saying laughed, but it's up to you.
Fade's only sworn once, so shouldn't it be, "That Fade did..."?
really though this was pretty cool. You've definitely intrigued me.
Fade said "damn" in the first chapter, so it's referring to that. According to Axel, it's a swear. But thanks for the spelling checks and all that. ^-^
Hello!
Engaging read, this one,
I liked the character Fade right off the bat; you did a good job of defining his personality in just a few lines (great use of dialogue by the way), and I can get behind his brand of grouchiness.
You don't need to 'quote' the protagonist's thoughts as such. Since it's 1st person pov, his is the only voice we have no choice but to follow. For example:
You also don't need to add 'I thought'. We are in 'your' head.
Ellipses: A wise reviewer once dropped this knowledge on me about ellipses and, since it happened a few instances through the work, I'll pass it on. You actually need three periods to make it an ellipse, like ... this. And, your character seems to use them a lot. Does he stutter? Because the ellipses have the same effect when you read them (Didn't read chapter 1, so dispense of this as you will).
Thanks!
Thank you for the advice~!