Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I didn't know what creatures lurked on this land... and what things I was actually capable of.
How the Wind Blows. . . Chapter One
I awoke to a loud clap of thunder. Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes, before looking at the clock. 6:43 A.M.
"Ugh..." I got up, peeking out the window that was next to my bed. The wind blew roughly outside, brutally tearing branches from trees. I could hear the rain pounding on the roof, and the wind howling outside, as if threatening to tear the house down.
Frowning deeply, I exited my room, letting my door gently shut behind me.
"Mom?" I shouted, "Are you awake?" I waited a moment, expecting a reply. I never got one, so I went out into the living room. There was a note on the T.V, probably the first place I would go when I woke up.
I went over and read the note.
Had to go out to your Grandmother's. She needed help with a few things. I'll be back as soon as I'm done helping. Love, Mom.
"Oh...." Blinking slowly, I tore the note off the T.V, grabbed the remote, and sat back in the recliner. Flipping on the T.V, I switched right to the morning cartoons. Tom and Jerry was on. I didn't particularly like this show, but nothing else was on, so I just decided to watch it.
I could still hear the storm raging outside as I sat in the dark, watching the cheesy cartoon. I wasn't expecting the power to go out, but it did. The T.V shut off. "Oh come on!" Groaning, I leaned back.
I waited about five minutes, which felt like an entire hour, but the power didn't come back on. Being a 12-year-old boy, whose life was solely based off T.V and video games, this was the worst thing in the world.
"Why did this have to happen on a Saturday?! Why not a Monday or something?!" I groaned, closing my eyes briefly, before snapping them open at the loudest clap of thunder I have ever heard. I watched the room light up from the lightning that came not long after. The room went dark when the light faded.
I got this weird feeling. Glancing around, I tried to see if I could see anything out of place or anything.
"Damn, some storm this is." ...
I didn't recognize that voice.. I whipped my head around to see a figure standing in front of the window. Screaming, I stumbled out of the recliner, and hid behind it.
"What the hell...?" The figure turned it's head to look at the recliner. Red eyes gleamed bright in the dark. "What is your deal, kid?"
"W-who are you?!"
End of chapter
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139,299 Literary Works • 672,525 Reviews
Wow! That chapter is just breathtaking! I have nothing to suggest to you, this piece just blows my mind.
Things I loved:
-The way you developed the character. He is very believable, especially since many boys his age love the same things he does and acts the same way.
-The way you described. I love the way you described the storm. You could have just said: The very loud loud storm woke me up at 6:43 A.M, but you didn't you showed the situation, you didn't say it.
-That cliffhanger! There's nothing I love more than cliffhangers. They leave you off with questions and gets you anxious to read more. If a writer wants to be successful, it needs to know how to create an amazing cliffhanger so that the reader wants more. You do that perfect!
Like I said in the beginning, there is nothing I can suggest for you to do to make your chapter better, but maybe a famous author might help you. (That's how good your chapter is.)
Don't just leave people hanging like that! especially me! cause then I start to think of ideas for people and then its like I'm working with them so...But it was really good! I have one question is the creepy looking guy one of your other characters?? Cause if it is I have a feeling I know who it is!! And your character sounds like one of my favorite characters from one of my other stories only his language is a lot worse that that, but the story was super good! like amazingly, awesomely, fantastically, awesome
I want to make my readers suffer with that cliff-hanger! *evil laughter*
I have Chapter Two out, so that says who the character is.
Hey there! There are two things I loved about this. the first was your description. You were able to create some awesome imagery in an subtle way, which really enriched your fiction. The second was that cliff-hanger ending.
First I'll start with some grammar nitpicks.
I understand the importance of this sentence, but i have a few tips about how you can make it more impactful. Have you heard of "Show don't tell?" By having your narrator tell us it's the end of the world, you're pulling us out of the world a little bit. Try showing us through his actions and thoughts how this truly is the end of the world for him. It'll help flesh out your chapter too, since right now it's a little bare.I agree with the other reviewer about adding thoughts and emotions, and I add that we need more imagery and description. If you can evoke the senses of your reader through smell, taste, sound, touch etc...it makes the scene more realistic. Right now it feels a little mundane to me. Good writing, but it feels like nothing's happening, even though things are. Fleshing out your story with these elements will help with this.
And that's all, let me know if you have any questions, or you need me to clarify anything. Happy writing!
Thank you!
I just seen Loki. Loves the Loki. The Loki is loved.
Hi, Welcome to YWS!
Overall it's fairly good. But I think this is kind of short for a first chapter. Some things that I think you need to work on is to incorporate some of the MC's thoughts and emotions. I found some areas that seem to need it. Also, try to be more descriptive visually.
"I awoke to a loud clap of thunder. Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes, before looking at the clock. 6:43 A.M."
This line is pretty short. I would describe the weather and/or describe how tired the MC is.
"I didn't particularly like this show, but nothing else was on, so I just decided to watch it."
I'm not great at grammar but this sounds like a mouthful. I would make this at least two sentences.
"I waited about five minutes, which felt like an entire hour, but the power didn't come back on."
I don't think the first comma is needed.
"I didn't recognize that voice.. I whipped my head around to see a figure standing in front of the window. Screaming, I stumbled out of the recliner, and hid behind it."
Here, you can add some of the MC's emotions that he is feeling.
All in all, you did pretty good. You left us on a cliffhanger so I'm interested in who this red eyed person is. I saw that you posted chap. 2 so you might see me review it
Keep writing!
Thanks! Yeah. I'm just starting out, so I'm learning how to make my stories better. And this certainly helps. ^-^