Recede into the shadows beyond
The computer screen so bare and blank
Check your MySpace, see who's on
What?! You got no comments back?!
"w00t!" you say with pride and joy
"Look at this huge buddy list!"
Fifty people plus one guy named Roy
"What? He's flaming me?!" you hiss
Relentless typos, lots of 1337
U r a facking n00b he says
You seethe with rage and burning heat
Addicted just like all the rest
MySpace screams in triumph
Above the mindless slaves
If this continues longer,
We might as well live in caves
Filled with rage you press the key
That forum mods would hate
You go on a CAPS LOCK spree
Not realizing it's too late
The Internet, once the government's domain
Now filled with spamming n00bs
MySpace's offspring bring even more pain
Facebook, Xanga, and Youtube.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Yeah, I wasn't aiming to be serious, because those aspects of the Internet aren't really serious. I mean, the majority of what goes on in Myspace is high school drama and the like, and everyone will end up laughing about what they obsessed over in high school. There probably are serious conversations held over myspace, but the silly "OMG she's going out with WHO?" type conversations vastly outnumber those.
Forget serious. I giggled inside when I read this, which is so much better than giggling on the outside. Writing in netspeak has been done before, but i liked it. Your rhymes were tight (check it), and I especially liked "noob" and "youtube".
Oh, I agree with Clau. This made me laugh; I'm anti-chatspeak or whatever-speak-that-is-not-real-English-speak, and I love how you incorporated that into a satirical piece. It was also effective to have it in second person, because it makes it seem as though you're directly addressing the reader.
The rhyme and rhythm were decent; for the few choppy parts, just read them aloud and work on rephrasing until they sound perfect. You've got to be a perfectionist for this kind of stuff.
So...it's fine as a satirical, light piece. As serious poetry, definitely not. But I laughed, and if that was your goal, good job.
-Colleen
This was... alright. But more towards the negative side of alright. >_>
Just because you're making fun of my space, doesn't mean it has to be a badly written poem. Go read a poem by Griffinkeeper. He has two that I can think of that are humorous poems, but they're still very well written. Your rhymes were kind of dull, and you didn't have any punctuation. Plus, it wasn't that funny. To make me laugh, you have to be good at what you do, and unique. ^_~
But I'm sure this was just written to be funny/silly? Well... I'm just going to give the mandatory, "Give us what you are serious about, what you care about" bit. If you want us to say, "haha, that was so funny!" and not critique it, then you probably shouldn't post it here. But if you want us to critique it for you (and, perhaps, laugh as well!) then this is the place. Heck, why should we put our good time into helping you edit your poem when you didn't put enough time into it while writing it?
Best of luck!