All is silent in the dark abyss
Save for one small speck of shining light
Rushing forward with a roiling hiss
Like a phoenix in its fiery flight
Stars and galaxies form from its wrath
Forming a celestial tapestry
Toward infinity reaches its path
Spreading like the roots of a flaming tree
Tendrils of inferno taste the dark
Stretching to their utmost boundaries
On wings of a slowly dying lark
Slowly, slowly, it begins to freeze
Darkness shadows all that are within
The universe is silent once again.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
I agree that with all those nice words it does make it seem more like it's great and beautiful or whatever, but the point needs to get across. I kind of understood this but the point really didn't get to me. Just more like a pretty frame but with no picture.
I agree with Suzanne. You have really good imagery, but it doesn't really tie together or convey a meaning to me. The beginning is strong and so is the ending, but the middle seems to get jumbled with pretty words.
And as for
In my opinion, writers should never have to publish something alongside their writing!
If this is what your poem is about, include this in the poem.
:]
Just as a grammar Nazi note: use punctuation!
The biggest issue I had with this poem was that it has a whole lot of imagery in it, and things happening, but I couldn't find a meaning in it, or understand what you were talking about. Poetry often times needs a central theme behind it. Even with all these pretty words your reader is going to ask: what is she talking about?
Real good imagery.
That's what's important to me.
I find that imagery brings any poem together. If you don't have,well, then you're pathetic, but this poem, is really good example of imagery.
'Toward infinity reaches its path'
That I must say is a bit strange and confusing.A good rythym, but a bit confusing.
I'm not really sure what you can say in its place because, if you remove that, it will destroy the entire vision and flow.For now, it doesn't matter.
But anyway. Really good.
Keep up the good work.
I think your poem was pretty good in terms of content but the subject material maybe more appropriate in Lyric Poetry or some place like that, but that's just my opinion. I didn't really get the message of the poem but i think it might be relating to the big bang theroy? Well there were some grammer mistakes and put in some punctuation! overall you get a
i look foreward to seeing more of your work
The darkness was what came before creation (i.e. the universe before the Big Bang happened was pretty much nothingness [which is the only way you could describe an utter lack of energy and matter]). Nothing else could be in that place, really, because everything we know as visible is visible to us as matter or energy.
Nice!
I like it.
What I liked about this is that it was about us, about the world, about the universe. It's sort of like the big bang, but it's also about the tiny little light inside a woman's womb, as it grows and is living and then it dies.
There's something not right about it though. I am trying to put my finger on it....
The whole darkness thing was rather confusing and felt superfluous...
Ummmmmmmmmmmm........
"Toward infinity reaches its path" Nice flow, but really confusing images/words/combinations...
Ummmmm....
I'll get back to you!