Instant: Prologue

by Linguistic

Published May 3, 2015

12+ Language

In Hamlet/Instant

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fear doesn't shut you down; it wakes you up

― Veronica Roth

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was running.

My legs pumped, bringing me further and further away from what I was running from. Driven by fear and adrenaline, my feet tore at the lush, grassy ground, as if they were angry to even walk upon the earth.

My brain pulsed, the banging of a drum beating constantly on my skull. But it wasn't unusual. At the moment it seemed like the most natural part of my body.

Bang bang bang.

One, two, three - hitting sixty with a harsh hammer that pierced my temples. It sounded much like a gunshot, but harsher still, like time itself was exploding.

Seconds, minutes, hours passed, and I could feel it all in my head. Sixty seconds, paired with a harsh bang at the end. Sixty minutes, followed by an even harsher bang.

A tree branch slapped against my face as I ran past it. I didn't notice the hard wood until it was too late. My legs kept working, kept driving me, and my hand went up to cradle my stinging face. Drops of blood inked slowly from the wound. I looked down for the only second I could spare. Blood dripped down my fingers, red and sticky.

My eyes flitted around. The forest was fading away at the edges, inky black fog seeping in through the looming trees.

The knotted, brown hair atop my head was flying in snarled locks behind me, catching on small branches and twigs, but I kept running, because suddenly the feeling of being chased was heavy in my conscience.

They were the predator and I was the prey. I couldn't hear the footsteps, though in my head they were loud and heavy, crushing me under their weight.

Fear was etching itself into my skin, creating scars that sliced through my being. My heart was hammering inside of my chest, so fast that it physically hurt.

"Stop," I cried out loud in between gasping for air. My lungs were collapsing with every anxiety-filled moment.

Bang bang bang, went the drum in my head.

"Please!" I cried, my voice raspy. I couldn't explain it, but I knew that getting caught would be the end - it would either be the end of the pain and misery, or the start of something much worse.

The latter seemed more likely.

Suddenly, the scene changed, and leaves crunched beneath my feet. It was autumn, but the absence of birds proved that I was nearing cold and winter.

I hated the cold, and cringed as snow piles leaked up from the forest floor, piling higher and higher until it became difficult to run.

Torrents of cool air were rushing in behind me, pushing pushing pushing, until my body threatened to splay itself across the snow.

My bare arms and legs, covered by shorts and a t-shirt, were suddenly piled with goosebumps, and I began to shiver.

The predator was running behind me, their footsteps finally mixing in with mine. They were close.

Fear, cold and crushing, filled my chest. I felt their presence behind me, running faster than I could.

My converse shoes were soaked and filling with snow. I almost cried out when one of them slipped off my heal and was left behind in the snow. The now-bare foot slapped against the freezing snow, shooting pain slicing up my leg.

I didn't want to do it anymore.

What if I stop running? I wondered vaguely. Will it end?

But the question of how it would end was more overpowering, and I pumped my arms faster, moving my legs until they threatened to break.

Snow was falling, pelting, shooting down from the sky through the leafless tree branches.

I ran.

"Remember me, Adira?"

The voice was hard and cracking, a deep, angry male.

A scream tumbled out of my mouth and I choked on it, struggling for air.

There was something so familiar about the voice that it sent a spine-chilling shiver down my back.

The banging in my head was as prominent as ever. My skull was being smashed with a hammer.

The man was getting closer - I could feel him on my heels. It was only one person, but it felt like an overpowering group of many.

A hand, as cold and clammy and as frozen as the air around me, clamped town on my shoulder.

I was jerked back.

The scream in my mouth was cut off by another hand, which slapped down on my mouth. I struggled to draw in air through the stiff fingers. My chest constricted.

And then I was falling.

I woke up, another scream caught in my throat.

Drops of sweat slid down my forehead as I dropped my head into my hands, pushing my bed sheet away from my sweaty body.

The same dream, over and over, for the past two weeks, and I didn't know what it meant.

"Dream my ass," I muttered shakily. That had been a nightmare.

The fear I'd felt was still caught in my chest, taking up too much space.

I never knew what the nightmare meant. Except that when I woke up, the banging in my head was gone.

Comments & reviews · 6

User avatar
Lavvie
Review
Lavvie wrote a review Review · May 14, 2015

Hi there, again!

So I'm working slightly backwards but I hope that's okay.

The biggest thing here is how you're breaking up your paragraphs. Of course, this style is much more appropriate to the action here as opposed to the action (or lack thereof) in your fourth chapter. Nevertheless, it's important to be able to know when to slow down the pace a bit. If the pace is always gogogo, then it's not going to be interesting for the reader any longer. You should be particularly aware of this when in the prologue, which is the reader's first taste of your story. In my review of Instant: 4, I link you to a helpful article on paragraph breaks so I won't do that here. Instead, I'll provide you a couple examples personalized for your prologue:

Example 1

They were the predator and I was the prey. I couldn't hear the footsteps, though in my head they were loud and heavy, crushing me under their weight.

Fear was etching itself into my skin, creating scars that sliced through my being. My heart was hammering inside of my chest, so fast that it physically hurt.


Here, you have some intense action going on and you're doing really well at describing the effects of the adrenaline on your protagonist. I mean, technically you could make this one paragraph, but it has a nice effect in terms of pacing to break it up a bit, so that the reader reads faster.

Example 2

Drops of sweat slid down my forehead as I dropped my head into my hands, pushing my bed sheet away from my sweaty body.

The same dream, over and over, for the past two weeks, and I didn't know what it meant.

"Dream my ass," I muttered shakily. That had been a nightmare.

The fear I'd felt was still caught in my chest, taking up too much space.

I never knew what the nightmare meant. Except that when I woke up, the banging in my head was gone.


Although important things are happening here, it's not action like she's jumping over a bunch of buildings. It's a dream and she's trying to recuperate from it, and therefore I don't think you need to rush thing. Of course, keep in mind that dialogue usually shouldn't be within a paragraph so make an exception for that. However, you might want to consider reformatting paragraphs and such so that the action-packed moments have more weight whereas less action-y moments are paced a little slower.

I think I would like to see a little more - not in terms of flashbacks, really, as a prologue is usually quite present – but it would be nice to have a little less repetition and a little more clarity. It's fine to have a relatively ambiguous prologue as that can be a method of hooking the reader, but if it's too ambiguous, it can become confusing. This is partly due to repetitive statements and actions – okay, maybe she's on the run, but that doesn't mean it's entirely the same all the time. She's running from something and does she know what it is? Yes, no? Either way, it doesn't hurt to write how she feels about this. What does she see while she's running and what is she thinking? These thoughts can be fleeting, but I would nevertheless encourage you to develop things a little bit more. You have the room ;)

Some nitpicks:

Bang bang bang.

One, two, three - hitting sixty with a harsh hammer that pierced my temples. It sounded much like a gunshot, but harsher still, like time itself was exploding.

Seconds, minutes, hours passed, and I could feel it all in my head. Sixty seconds, paired with a harsh bang at the end. Sixty minutes, followed by an even harsher bang.


This is a little confusing. I see below that you're aware of the issue (in response to another review). However, despite the fact the "bang bang bang" thing carries on throughout the prologue, it doesn't really get any clearer so that's not a good sign. Furthermore, she's running for hours? I find that a bit unrealistic.

"Dream my ass," I muttered shakily. That had been a nightmare.


Two things. First, there should be a comma between "dream" and "my" or else it means something entirely different. Second, I don't really see how relevant it is to qualify the dream or the nightmare in this way. This feels out of place and I think you're able to just remove this line altogether, or at least revise it so it doesn't feel cheesy or awkward.

I'm still really confused at the end of the prologue, and the last two lines, if anything, make me more confused. Mostly the banging, I think. Maybe you can revise that a bit?

Overall, though, really suspenseful and a fun read. I'm glad I came back to read this! As always, if you have any questions/comments/concerns/other stories needing reviewing, feel free to message me!

Thanks for the great read,
Lav

Thank you again for yet another amazing review. This one will also be very helpful. As for the banging, I totally understand how it could be confusing. The part actually ties pretty majorly in some of the chapters to come, and so does the whole "time" concept, and I wanted to tie it into the prologue to give a sense of what was to come. Still trying to figure out a way to do that without completely confusing the reader, and I see I'm not quite there yet :P I'll work on it ;) thanks!

User avatar
TheGambit
Review
TheGambit wrote a review Review · May 5, 2015

Very exciting story. I loved the way you emphasized on her internal emotions of fear and desperation of the character. It really brought detail to the story that it would have been lost without. Also using the short sentences during the chase gave it the fast pace it needed. I only saw a couple of times where a word was used more than once which made it a little repetitive, but it was nothing to be overly concerned about.
I don't think it needed any more clarification like they commented because I think it keeps the story more suspenseful when you deprive the reader of certain details like who is after them and why. All in all I thought this was a good story that really keeps the reader hooked. Look forward to reading more.

Thank you! That means a lot :) I also feel like depriving the reader of information is a better route to take, but not everyone likes being left in the dark ;) but I'm glad you liked it

User avatar
bloodybelle01
Review
bloodybelle01 wrote a review Review · May 4, 2015

Love your quote :)

This is a wonderfully exciting prologue and definitely hooking! You have some wonderful descriptions. I like how you end it as a dream... it seemed very real. I love your phrase 'The fear I'd felt was still caught in my chest'- I think it's absolutely beautiful.

A few things to mention...

1. ' Suddenly, the scene changed, and leaves crunched beneath my feet. It was autumn, but the absence of birds proved that I was nearing cold and winter. '- you didn't explain the scene before, what did it change from?

2. The beginning was a bit bland. Can you think of a more exciting word for running? Where are you running?

3. ' They was the predator and I was the prey. I couldn't hear the footsteps, though in my head they were loud and heavy, crushing me under their weight. ' -it should be he/she was the predator or they were the predators.

4. ‘ One, two, three - hitting sixty with a harsh hammer that pierced my temples. It sounded much like a gunshot, but harsher still, like time itself was exploding. ‘ -this didn't make much sense to me. What do you mean hitting sixty? This could do with some clarification.

Overall, this was a beautifully written piece- keep on writing!

Thank you! I'll fix your recommendations, and thanks for pointing them out :)

And the "one, two, three - hitting sixty..." Thing was supposed to add to the allusion of time. She can physically feel the time passing as well as seeing it. I'll add a little more to clarify, though

No problem, you're very welcome and thanks for the clarification :)

captainmichael15 wrote a review Review · May 4, 2015

Usually when a story ends in that all the events throughout it were only a dream, it is a boring and easy way to end a story. But it was great for this short. The whole time before the end I thought it was a chase that this character was a part of throughout a long period of time. This was because the season changed beneath the character's feet. But when it was revealed as a nightmare, the impact was far greater, and I applaud you for being able to pull it off this well. I was a nervous wreck reading this, and I enjoyed every second, great job!

I'm glad ending it with a dream wasn't too boring for you! I Know it's a bit overused, but I hope I wrote it in an un-cliche way ;) thanks for the review!

SectorSeventyTwo commented Comment · May 4, 2015

Great Job! I loved the nightmare scene, you can really feel her fear and the control slipping away with each passing sentence. Bravo!

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it :) I hope you continue the story

SectorSeventyTwo commented Comment · May 4, 2015

Great Job! I loved the nightmare scene, you can really feel her fear and the control slipping away with each passing sentence. Bravo!



Anne felt that life was really not worth living without puffed sleeves.
— L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables