z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Cuddle Application 2: Fran's and Ex-Friends

by Linguistic


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Something hard jabbed me in the side.

I ignored it and nuzzled further into my pile of blankets.

Something landed on my ankle.

I flicked my toes and pulled my leg up closer to my body.

Something furry landed on my face.

"That's it!" I screamed, launching myself off the beanbag. "Stop touching me!"

Thinking that it had been Cora and Lina trying to wake me up, I was incredibly surprised to find a cat staring at me a few feet away.

It hissed.

"Sorry I yelled at you, Snubbs," I said.

Mr. Snubbs hissed once more.

I yawned and threw the covers off of my body. The warm, morning air met my skin and I ran a hand through my curly hair.

I was beginning to notice the pulsing headache that was tucked into both of my temples.

I sighed and promised I'd never drink again--a promise I'd made too many times to count on two hands.

What could I say? I always seemed to be in the party mood.

"Good, you're up."

I looked towards the door. Cora was standing there, blond hair perfectly straitened, smiling.

"We're all downstairs eating breakfast," she announced. "Hurry up, the pancakes are dwindling."

"Thanks, I'll be down in a sec. What time is it?"

"Seven o'clock." Her smile was bordering evil as I shot up from the ground at an unnatural speed.

"Seven?!" I bellowed. "Holy shit, I only have like ten minutes to get ready for school!"

She laughed. "Lina and I didn't want to wake your pretty face."

"Your an ass," I informed her.

"Sky." I hardly glanced at her as I grabbed my pillow and bag.

"What?"

"You got a little drool on your right cheek."

"Shut up," I said. I tried to dig through backpack for the bag of ibueprofen, but groaned instead when my brain started to melt. "That's the last time we drink on a school night."

Cora just laughed.

Lina, Cora, and I had been best friends since the sixth grade. We all had joined band on the first day of school, all playing percussion.

Lina showed up first, looking like a Goody-Two-Shoes in her white, floral skirt and socks with ruffles.

Then it was me, who was too nervous to sit by anyone but the teacher--an older lady who constantly forgot to dye her graying roots.

And last was Cora, who showed up ten minutes late with mud on her designer jeans. She was crying because an eighth grader had stolen her books and pushed her in the mud.

The first day of band was horrendous, because everyone sounded like a herd of dying elephants and no one could seem to hold the drumsticks right.

The second day was as equally bad, and the teacher smelled like mothballs.

By the end of the first week, I'd found a new seat in between Lina and Cora, no longer being able to stand the aroma of old lady perfume.

Week by week Lina, Cora, and I bonded over our lack of musical talents. And by the start of the second term, we had all transferred to the same gym class instead of "playing the triangle at a stupid band concert".

We'd been friends ever since.

"You know, girls, if you'd stop having sleepovers on sundays, you wouldn't have to be groggy for school monday morning."

Mrs. McCoy, Lina's mother, was piling pancakes onto my plate while scolding my friends and I.

"I know, mom," Lina said. "But we started a tradition four years ago, and we just can't break it now."

"Yeah," I agreed. "It would feel inhumane to stop the Sunday-Monday-Sleepover-Extravaganza's."

Cora choked on her milk. "Why do we still call it that?" She laughed.

I shrugged while downing two pancakes. I barely tasted them and washed it all down with some milk.

"Six minutes, Skylar," Lina warned me.

"I know, I know," I said. I shoved the chair back from the table, the wooden legs emitting an ear-splitting shriek on the tiled floor. "I'm going to get dressed."

"I'll come with," Lina said, and she and Cora bounded up the stairs after me.

After digging through my overnight bag and pulling out my clothes for the day, I changed in the bathroom.

"Love that top!" Cora exclaimed once I'd stepped out. Lina looked away from her computer to examine my clothing.

"Yeah, purple's a good color on you," she agreed.

"And I love the ruffles!" Cora chimed in.

"Thanks guys."

I brushed on some blush and mascara, pulled on a chunky, gold necklace, and stepped into a pair of wedges. Half the outfit belonged to a very generous Cora.

Cora was the stylish one of the group. With her father owning half the city, she had no shortage of money, and spent a large chunk of it on clothes. As a birthday present, you could always expect a closet of new designer tops from her.

"Hey, Cora," I started. "Did you finish that History paper that's due tomorrow?"

"No," she answered. "I haven't even started."

I laughed. "Me either. Maybe I'll come over later and we can brainstorm together?"

"Yeah--"

Cora was interrupted by Lina, who had rushed towards us, grabbed me roughly by the arm, and dragged me over to the computer.

"Whoa, Leaner, what's wrong?" I asked.

She stared at the screen, motioning for me to do the same.

I looked at the computer, and a deja-vu feeling spread through my chest.

"What the hell is HugMe.com?" Cora asked. "And why is Skylar signed up for it?"

Cora looked at me, looking very confused. If she was expecting an answer to that, I couldn't give one.

A memory was nagging at my brain, but I couldn't quite remember where I'd seen the HugMe logo before. The familiar hugging bears stared at me from the screen and I had no idea where I'd seen them before.

"Lina?" I squeaked out. "What did we do last night?"

She said nothing, hands covering her mouth as she stared at the screen. Then she pointed at the top of the screen. "What is that?"

"What?" I asked, leaning closer to the screen. "What are you looking at?"

At that point we were all crowded around the screen, heads knocking together, trying to absorb the situation.

"Your profile picture," Lina whispered, a giggle escaping her lips.

"What?!" I exclaimed. I reached past her and grabbed the mouse, scrolling around the screen until I found the profile button. The screen paused for a moment before opening to a page with a big, pink bear in the middle, my face pasted where the head was supposed to be. I paused. "This is--"

"This is the best thing I've ever seen in my life!" Cora screamed, laughing so hard she stumbled onto the floor next to the desk. Her boisterous laughter filled the room and was immediately joined by Lina's terrible giggling.

"No, no, no," I whispered. "This can't be happening."

On the computer screen was the most terrible picture of myself that I had ever seen. My hair was everywhere, simultaneously in a pony tale while also somehow being down. I had eyeliner smeared all over my left cheek, matched with sparkly eyeshadow on my forehead. My smile was lopsided and my face was flushed with drunkenness.

"This can't be happening," I said again.

"Oh it's happening!" Cora exclaimed from the floor.

"I have to delete it," I said, scrambling for the mouse again and trying to find the settings page. My head was still pulsing, making my hand twitch and slide in the opposite direction than where I told it to go.

"No!" Lina said. "You can't delete this!"

She grabbed my hand and fought for the mouse. Cora got up from the ground and grabbed my other hand.

"This is too good to just delete, Sky," she said.

"No," Lina said. "That's not what I mean!" She pointed at the side of the screen, and the icon next to my face. There was a little red "1" next to it. "You can't delete it because you have a notification!"

Confusion mixed in with my pounding headache. Cora pushed my hand away and moved the remote to the notification. She clicked and the screen changed again. On the page was a picture of a boy - an extremely attractive boy.

"Oh my god," I said.

Lina looked at me. "You have a cuddle request."

(Alright readers, I'm fully aware that this goes from past to present tense right here. This is where I stopped writing and started again the next day, and idk I guess I just switched tenses. I'll fix it, but for now, I just want opinion on the other aspects of the story)

I shoot myself up from the swivel chair, brain hammering against my skull as a reminder of last night. I walk backwards and away from the computer as the chair rolls, quick and unstable, towards the beanbag where the cat is sitting. Mr. Snubs bolts away from the chair, hissing, the orange-brown hair on his neck shooting high. He all but tumbles out of the bedroom door and into the long hallway leading to the stairs. I start to follow him.

"I don't want any of this," I say sharply. "Shut down the website. Delete the account."

Nothing good could come from an early morning, Jack Daniels infused Cuddle Account. I stop in the doorway, a hand on the white, wooden doorframe to steady myself, and looked at my friends. Cora is staring at me, the definition of collected, trying to smother a laugh, and Lina is glancing between me and the computer, presumably trying to decide what to do.

Of course it was me in this situation. While drunk, Cora never made bad divisions. She just laughed a lot, red faced and tongue-tied. And Lina - well Lina just talked and talked, saying anything that came to mind.

I was the one who made bad decisions. Another reason to stop drinking.

"Lina," I say again. "This is just a recipe for disaster - close it." Her fiery red hair looks as fierce as I feel, and even fiercer still with the sunlight from the open window shining on the curls. A bird chirps from outside and the sound irritates my head. I close my eyes for a brief moment.

"But," Lina starts to say suddenly, "but don't you want to see this guy - this cuddle buddy?" Her eyes look so hopeful, but it isn't hard to crush the ever growing dreams that flourished behind her eyes.

"No."

Cora sighs. "You're being stupid. Last night, your drunk ass made this lame account and now you don't even want to see what's on it?"

I pause, thinking of what I could have said. I was probably too drunk to comprehend anything so none of the information probably made a lick of sense anyway.

"No," I answer. "And I don't care about the guy, okay, I have Josh."

Cora and Lina both roll their eyes at this and I glared at them in turn.

Josh wasn't my boyfriend because neither of us wanted to put a label on it, whatever "it" was, but we'd been dating for months, and were friends even before that. I liked Josh, maybe even loved him. I didn't need some stupid cuddle application to come in and ruin what we had.

"Josh treats you like shit, Sky," Cora grumbles, looking down towards the floor. Lina stares at her open mouthed.

"Cora-" she starts, but with that, I turn from the room, padded angrily down the stairs, and push outside towards the car.

As I'm walking, I can hear them arguing about something and then one of them laughs. I wait to hear them coming down the stairs, but they never do, so I advance towards the car in the driveway. Somewhere along the way I'd grabbed my backpack, which is now looped across my back. The morning air is brisk and dewy, the signs of upcoming summer becoming evident in the Oregon landscapes. The bird keeps chirping and I want to scream at it. I'm in no mood for noises or arguments.

I just wanted to go home and sleep.

I reach for a car door on the blue Bug that belongs to Cora, but the handle clicks when I pull it, and makes no advance towards opening. I grumble and drop my backpack, leaning against the back of the car. The sun has warmed the metal and I close my eyes.

Cora lived in a richer neighborhood. The houses were all looming and bright, with large windows that showed off the expensive furniture inside, and balconies jutting out from second and third floors. Some had large, white pillars rising to the full length of the house, giving them a White-House architectural feel.

I lived in a smaller neighborhood with less impressive houses, but my home was still very nice. Lina and I became next door neighbors when she moved in two houses down roughly a year after we'd met. It had been one of the greatest moments of our little, prepubescent lives.

We lived in a town called Helaci, Oregon, which was just under Oregon City. With a population of 6,708, we weren't a tiny town, but Helaci still held a lot of small town stereotypes and drama. 30% of the population was old people, another 30% adults, and the rest were kids or teenagers that couldn't wait to graduate and leave. Helaci was not a town of future promise, though I did love it.

There were two schools on opposite sides of the river, which created a rivalry on each side. The biggest difference was if you were looking for trouble, my school, Helaci High, focused on alcohol, and the other school, Pemberson High, named after the first mayor, Mr. Pemberson, focused on drugs.

We were rivals, but I never minded to that, considering we all came from one middle school. Most things in Helaci depended on what side of the river you were on.

Towards the north side of town, Helaci River was a rough Rapids area, housing a small waterfall that tumbled from the tall, rockey hills into a bubbly pool of wavy currents. The river traveled its way, smooth and gentle, into town, where it created a wide, majestic lake and the base of the town before becoming a river once more and traveling further south. Most big events and parties happened on the river.

I'm still thinking about Helaci when my friend finally step out of the house.

"What took you so long?" I ask impatiently. "I couldn't even wait in the car because it was locked."

I'm fully aware of how I'm acting, but what Cora had said earlier about Josh was untrue, and it always made me mad when they talked about Josh as if they even knew him. And to add to that, I was seriously hungry and hungover.

"Sorry," Lina says softly, bright blue eyes looking down and the ground. "And we deleted the account."

Cora, however, smirks while unlocking the car. As the vehicle beeped and I opened the door, I wasn't sure I believed either one of them. Cora's face looked like she was up to no good, but that wasn't unusual because the girl usually was.

I didn't dwell too hard on it, however, because I was never visiting the shitty website again, my drunken websurfing be damned.

The ride to school was quiet and tension-filled. I ignored both of them, feeling somewhat of an outsider with both of my friends. I didn't understand why they cared about my decision to ignore the cuddle account. The whole thing was probably bullshit, a way for creepy guys and perverts to find their next victim. It was like online dating but worse. Why would anyone want to cuddle with someone they don't know?

We arrive at school, a red brick building with two floors and not enough windows. On one side the building is higher, were the auditorium is. Our school is in charge of theater, while Pemberton has the pools needed for swimming. They're the only two things we share.

"Can you believe we only have a month left in this place?" I hear Lina ask.

There are students hanging around by the gates leading into the courtyard, but other than that, the parking lot is crammed with care and virtually empty of students. The bell would ring at any moment, and we'd probably be late to first hour.

I hop out of the car after Cora's parked, grabbing my backpack and slamming the door behind me. Cora snickers when she exits the vehicle and I can't stop myself before I whip around.

"What?" I demand. "Why are you laughing?" When she tries to deny it I say, "No. Even in the car you were smiling to yourself. What's going on?"

Cora's eyes cut to Lina's, where I can tell even Lina is hiding something.

"Lina, what?" I ask. "Guys seriously."

I feel so left out, which is a thing that doesn't normally happen in our friend group.

"Nothing," they both say simultaneously. Cora looks down at her phone suddenly, and types something. Lina is staring at a spot behind me.

Then there's arms around my torso, snaking me in. The musky smell of spicy cologne envelopes my senses.

"Josh," I say.

His voice is warm on my ear. "Hey Skylar, babe." I feel his lips on the spot below my ear and I nudge him away slightly, smiling, because Lina's giving us both the death stare.

"Get a room," she mumbles, walking past us with Cora in tow. Josh laughs.

I turn around, still in Josh's arms, and look into his brown eyes. The sun is enhancing the gold slices in the irises. He's like someone out of a magazine, with his chiseled jaw and high male cheekbones. I sigh and slide further into the hug.

"You smell like booze," he says, voice deep. I chuckle, cursing last night for so many reasons that he'll never know.

"Partied too hard," I say.

He makes a low noise in the back of his throat. "Should have invited me."

"How are you?" I ask, laughing, and then feel his hand sliding down my back until it rests on my butt. I squirm and hear male voices behind us.

"Yeah, Josh! Get that fine ass!" Josh's friends coo, and I push him off of me. I glare behind me at them - at Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest - before shoving past Josh.

"Dude, how come you haven't tapped that yet?!" One of them bellows.

The fact that Josh doesn't defend me doesn't sting anymore, after so long of him not demanding respect from his friends. I want to blame him for their words, but like he says, "you can't control your friends." Even still, you can chastise, but I don't tell him that.

It's not like he's my boyfriend.

The school day goes by fairly quickly and uneventfully. My teachers drone on about the subjects that they teach and I see Lina and Cora a few times, and they ignore my glare and walk away when I try to talk to them. All day, I feel like I'm fighting a battle I know nothing about.

What is going on? I even scribble on a piece of paper in English class. When Mrs. Tallman isn't looking, I launch it across two rows of desks and it lands on Cora's desktop. She unfolds it, pauses, and crumples it up again.

I shoot daggers at her blonde head.

By the end of the day, I'm exhausted. My clothes are wrinkled and my head is hammering, the hangover gone, replaced with a headache of a different kind. I go to leave school but then remember that my car won't be in the parking lot. I walk over to Cora's blue bug to see her and Lina standing there, waiting for me.

Finally. Now I won't be ignored.

"Okay, now we're gonna talk," I say firmly, hands on my hip and attempting to look fierce. "You're going to tell me what you've been hiding all day."

They look at each other and laugh. I fight the urge to slap someone.

"Yes, we will," Lina says, still smiling.

"Just not here," Cora finishes, putting a matching smile on her lips.

"Let's go for a ride." Lina grabs me by the arm and leads me towards Cora's car.

"I don't get why we have to go any-" I start to say, but get cut off when Lina grabs my head and pushes me through the small car door. I yelp in surprise and start protesting when she slams the door in my face. Half of my hair is caught, long locks of hair crimped and dangling on the outside window. "Lina-"

I go to open the door when suddenly the whole car shoots forwards. I scream and slide when the vehicle turns, because I'm not buckled in, but my hair keeps me from going far. It almost rips out of my skull as I slip across the leather seats.

"Cora!" I scream. "Slow down, my hair is stuck-"

She turns sharply down another street and I slam into the window, my cheek making contact with the cool glass. My eyes close and for a second I'm not moving, until Cora flies down another street and I'm tumbling across the seat again.

After what seems like a good hour, but I know is only a few minutes, the car stops. I almost feel like throwing up because of how nauseating the ride was, but Cora just rips the car door open, releasing my hair, and tugs me out of the vehicle.

"Come on!" She orders. "We're gonna be late!"

I'm about to ask late for what, when I realize where we are. The small cafe stands in front of the parking lot we're currently standing in, small but cozy. It's the definition of a 50s cafe, with it's red and blacked checkered theme and overly padded booths. They served anything from burgers to shakes, and played old music from a jukebox in the corner.

"Okay, why are we at Fran's?" I ask.

Without answering, they push me through the swinging doors. The smell of fries and grease wash over me, making my stomach grumble. I suddenly realize that I haven't eaten anything since breakfast that morning.

Cora gives me one last push further into the restaurant. I notice that it's empty save for two older couples and one boy sitting in the corner, his back to us. Cora whistles, and to my horror, the guy turns around.

Time slows down and I'm face to face with the guy from the Cuddle account. I'd recognize his face anywhere, even though I only saw his tiny picture in the corner of a screen. He's the one who applied to be my cuddle buddy.

I freeze in horror and my mouth is agape, though I'm not sure whether it's from shock, or my response to how gorgeous this boy is.

His green eyes are piercing even from twenty feet away.

"Good luck," Cora smirks, before sprinting out of the door with Lina.

I'm glued to the spot.

Oh god, what have they done?


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Sun Jun 26, 2016 8:50 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

You had a really nice balance of prose and dialogue in this chapter. I think people might have shied away from reviewing it because it looks really long, but it was actually a fast read because of the dialogue and interesting events.

But I had a really hard time with Sky’s friends. Also kind of with the hugme.com/Cuddle account thing, but I’m not at all knowledgeable about that sort of thing. Because it seems like a “cuddle” account accidentally created while drunk shouldn’t be such a big deal, especially since it could be deleted immediately, unless the big deal is that she’s underage and obviously hammered in the profile pic?

(On that note, does Mrs. McCoy know the girls drink at their sleepovers?)

The thing is, either Sky’s overreacting or else this is actually really bad. But if it is really bad (or even if she just is really unhappy about it, regardless of how horrible it actually is), then it’s pretty awful that Cora, one of her best friends, spends the whole chapter laughing her head off about it when she should at least try to help. Even if she laughs while helping. Right now she just seems like a terrible friend.

Which might be the point, but bear with me as I continue in this vein.

So Sky knows she makes bad decisions when drunk and has tried to give up drinking multiple times to no avail, which is totally believable because people who have problems like that often do keep drinking forever or at least for a long time before they finally actually quit. But! Her friends. She knows how alcohol affects both of them, so presumably they know how alcohol affects her. In which case, terrible friend alert again. In their defense, I didn’t see the sleepover. Maybe they tried to dissuade her from drinking.

But I kind of doubt it.

If they encourage rather than discourage her drinking even though they know she’ll make bad decisions while drunk, why? Are they thoughtless? Mean? Enjoy watching her struggle with those decisions once she’s sobered up? Or do they just want her to party with them because they’re drinking too, and screw the consequences?

As I read on, the evidence that they’re terrible friends mounts, especially at the end, when they set her up with this guy instead of deleting the account like they told her they would. Josh may treat her like garbage – I certainly don’t appreciate him not defending her from his friends’ crude comments – but I find it hard to believe at this point that he treats her any worse than her supposed best friends.

To be fair, this could be your point. Maybe Sky will realize, through the course of the story, that her friends or boyfriend or both really suck and that she deserves better people in her life. But I don’t know. The way it started out, I figured they were just actually friends…but then the way they behaved they just seemed like bullies who keep her around for their own amusement by way of convincing her they’re just doing what’s best for her.

I’m still curious to see what happens with this red-haired guy, though. I also want to read on to find out if Josh is actually a humongous jerk (which does seem likely).

But the way Sky’s “friends” treat her really, really bothered me. Unless it turns out that she’ll realize that and call them on their crap.




User avatar
212 Reviews


Points: 12011
Reviews: 212

Donate
Sun Jun 26, 2016 5:14 pm
ScarlettFire wrote a review...



Hello, Linguistic! My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your chapter today!

Fair warning; I haven't read and will not be reading the previous chapters. If I miss anything, ask stupid questions or point out something another reviewer has already pointed out, then I apologise in advance. ^^ I'm also writing this on my phone, so please excuse any typos and spelling mistakes I make. (Autocorrect can be a real jerk sometimes.)

Something hard jabbed me in the side.

I ignored it and nuzzled further into my pile of blankets.

Something landed on my ankle.

I flicked my toes and pulled my leg up closer to my body.

Something furry landed on my face.


I feel like this could be all smooshed into one or two paragraphs and expanded upon. The first line is strong and makes for a good hook. Unfortunately, the lines that come after betray where you're at in your writing. Which is, sadly, still an amateur. If I offend you, I'm sorry!

I don't like the first person tense, and generally try to avoid it. Mostly because even I find myself slipping into the "lack of description" mode. It can be frustrating, but this is something that you can improve! Try putting all of those lines into one or two paragraphs and expanding on it. As it is now, you're telling and not showing.

I yawned and threw the covers off of my body.

Didn't she just launch herself off a beanbag? I thought she was on a bed! Did she bring the covers with her? Maybe she trips over them? This is a glaring consistency error. I have trouble staying consistent, too, so I completely understand. Just make sure you re-read and pay attention to where, exactly, your character is at all times. ^^

I was beginning to notice the pulsing headache that was tucked into both of my temples.

I love this line! I love how you describe the headache, especially how it's "tucked into both of my temples". It does read a little awkwardly, and I personally would have phrased it "tucked away between my temples", but if you like, you should keep it.

Cora was standing there, blond hair perfectly straitened, smiling.

I think you mean "straightened", not "straitened". Spelling trips me up, too!

"Your an ass," I informed her.

You're. Your is possessive; you should see your face! You're is a contradiction of "you are", so in the sentence above, she's telling Cora that's she's an ass. So "you are an ass" makes more sense than "your an ass", right?

(Alright readers, I'm fully aware that this goes from past to present tense right here. This is where I stopped writing and started again the next day, and idk I guess I just switched tenses. I'll fix it, but for now, I just want opinion on the other aspects of the story)

This completely breaks immersion. I would suggest keeping author comments to the A/N before or after the work. It really snaps a reader out of their immersion. A very rookie move.

And I'm going to leave it there before this review gets entirely too long. From what I've read and from skimming the rest of the chapter, you have a fair few grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. I'm not going to point them all out or we'd be here all day. XD

I'm going to leave you with a few tips;

If you don't know how to spell something, Google it. Even if it's incorrect, Google will give you some alternatives. If that still doesn't work, pick another word that means the same thing.

Double and triple check your work for spelling, grammar and consistency. I definitely suggest getting a beta reader who knows what they doing/looking for. It's very helpful.

Keep author comments to the A/Ns so they don't break the reader's immersion. Part of what makes a good story is the immersion. If your readers can't focus on the text because your paragraphs are too big or too small, or you insert an author's note where it's not supposed to be, it ruins it for them and they're more likely to put your book down. I get that you wanted them to know that you'd switch tense and why, but there is a place for that and it's not in the middle of a chapter.

Okay, I have nothing more to add. I actually enjoyed what I've read of this. It's good and you have potential. You just need to fine tune it!

Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scarlett.




Linguistic says...


This comment actually made me laugh really hard because I am not an amateur writer at all. If you see some of my other pieces, I'm actually quite good. I just can't write teen fiction for shit, even though I try.

I appreciate all your comments, but to be honest, I'm thinking of just scrapping the whole thing. Like you said, it makes me seem like a much less qualified writer than I am. Not offended by your comments because (not to be cocky), but they're only applicable to this story.

Thanks for reading and the helpful comment!



User avatar
766 Reviews


Points: 650
Reviews: 766

Donate
Sun Jun 26, 2016 12:41 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there. It's just Lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin. Just two quick notes before we begin. One, I have not read the previous chapter but I think I understand what happened. Two, I'm on mobile for this review day so my comment length will be limited.

As far as grammar and spelling go, all I say were a couple of minor typos that don't affect how the chapter reads. I would quote them down here but I can't at the moment. One thing I did see, is that some lines of dialogue that were mixed into a paragraph need to be split up.

I'm not sure if this was the format you were aiming for or not. At the bottom, separating lines makes sense because there are so many lines of dialogue and short action. But at the top it doesn't work. I know hat sometimes when you copy over from a Word Doc it has this sort of error. Just wondering what style you were actually aiming for.

That sort of style makes this chapter hard to read because none of the thoughts really seem to be connected. The first line is completely separate from the second, so when you think about it, it would seem they don't have a very strong connection. That conclusion is false. Fix this in whatever way you like, just know it makes it very hard to read through the text.

I say your author's note in the middle of the chapter and I have a couple comments for that place. I think you should move your author's note to the top and put some part of it in bold. That is the most common way I see for those sorts of things. It just helps to avoid co fusion when someone is read the story.

The story is semi-funny and a bit complicated. The previous user also brought this up but I was confused by the cuddle website. I mean it sounds like the entire book is based around her account. And I Walt don't believe her friends deleted the account. From the feel of the book, this would never happen in a million years.

Well that's about all I have for this review. I hope o eventually be read another chapter of yours. Good luck on continuing this story.
Happy Review Day!
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs




User avatar
1085 Reviews


Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

Donate
Sun Jun 26, 2016 10:08 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here for a quick review on this Review Day. I apologize in advance for not having read previous chapters - feel free to ignore any errors resulting from that.

Overall, this was a pretty good start.

I think one of the main things I have to say is that, as a whole, this feels really disjointed at the beginning because of how short your paragraphs are. They're all one sentence or two, and the constant break in the reader's head makes it kind of hard to read. Good ways to flesh out a scene generally involve setting description. Show us what the room looks like - this is also an excellent way to show character, as the contents of a person's room are a pretty good indication of what they're like as a person. You could also show more of the main character's emotions and what she's thinking.

Something I wondered - why did they all join band in the first place if none of them could play? Did they want to see if they could play? That's probably something to include.

Watch out for typos. I didn't see too many, but I did notice that you didn't capitalize your weekdays. Monday, Tuesday, etc. are always capitalized.

I felt like the HugMe thing kind of needed to be more explained. Sure, there was a cuddle request, but how were they able to meet up? Is it by location? Because if it's not, it seems awfully unlikely that the very first cuddle request she gets is from someone in her small little town. Also, this seems like a ridiculously bad idea on her friends' part. You never really know who you're meeting online - there's no way it's safe for these high-school-age girls to meet up with someone they've only talked to once on the Internet, especially from a site called HugMe. It just seems odd, because in Skylar's mind, the other two are the more sensible ones.

I know you changed tense accidentally, but I do think you should stick with past. It just reads better that way.

Anyway, that's all I've got for you. Good luck with the rest of this!




Random avatar

Points: 295
Reviews: 5

Donate
Thu Apr 21, 2016 4:23 pm



when are you writing the next chapter?




Linguistic says...


Some time soon, when I get the chance :) do you like it so far?




"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."
— Chuck Palahniuk