The Park (excerpt from my novel)

We stopped walking and sat on the grass beneath us. "But, I like that I'm alone when I come here. It gives me a place to escape when I can't stand the world."

"So you're not afraid that some creepy, stalker guy will find you here by yourself?" I asked with a grin on my face.

Josh smiled and said smugly, "Nope, not at all. Amber, you witnessed my amazing punching skills. You of all people should know how talented I am."

My grin faded. "Yeah, well I don't really remember what happened. If you'll excuse me, there were other things on my mind."

Josh's eyes grew wide and he took my hands in his. "Amber, I'm so sorry. I forgot for a second."

I didn't answer him. My eyes were focused on my duct-taped shoe.

Josh grunted beside me and said, "Amber, if you would have known the pain I felt that night, you wouldn't enjoy life anymore. I watched with my own two eyes what was going on..."

"You watched? Oh how terrible! Try being the one who was actually experiencing the rape! Imagine how I felt! There is no possible way you could have experienced more pain than me!" I shouted at him as I ripped my hands away from his.

"Imagine how it felt to witness the person you love in pain! Imagine having that image imprinted on your brain. Do you realize how much your pain affects me?!" Josh retorted.

I stood up. "This isn't about you Josh! That night had nothing to do with you!"

"I saved your life, Amber!"

We stood there, eyeing each other and breathing heavily. I was so angry that tears swelled in my eyes. By the second time I blinked, tears poured like rain and drenched my face.

Josh put his hand on my cheek and wiped as many tears as he could capture. "Amber..." he said softly and then held me close to him.

"I-I just don't know what to do any-anymore," I gasped as the sobs clogged up my throat. "Everything wrong h-has happened and m-my dad j-just died!" I repeated these words over and over and the words I was saying weren't even coherent.

"I'm so sorry Amber. I can't imagine how you feel. I was wrong to have said that I experienced more pain than you."

I cried even more on his shoulder. "Why is everything in my life m-messed up? I-I have nothing left anymore!"

Josh looked at me and said, "You have me. You have Lexis and Kris. Even your mom, Amber. I know that I love you, and I'm pretty sure that Lexis, Kris, and your mom do too."

My mind was flashing back to the day I discovered the tragic news. The tears began to come heavier. "But why, Josh? It's not fair! My life was perfectly fine until this occurred! Why him? Why now?"

Josh grabbed my face in his hands. "God plans things for a reason. No one can change his mind. I don't know why your father died, but I do know this. We would never have met if it weren't for the accident, and I will never forget that day. It was the first day that I realized this girl was everything I wanted and so much more. Do you think that we would have met if it weren't for that first meeting? Do you think that we would be standing here, at this exact moment, so madly in love? Amber if we didn't meet, I wouldn't live." His seriousness made me smile. "I'm serious Amber. Without you, the oceans don't move, the birds don't sing, the sun doesn't shine. At least, not in my world."

"We're like peas and carrots," I added with a smile. A tear dropped onto his hand.

He laughed. "Maybe not so disgusting. But consider this. What if we met for a reason? What if this is God's way of showing us that love can overcome any obstacle that's thrown at us."

My eyes looked at him, wearily. "Do you really believe that?"

His hands wrapped themselves around my fingers. "Do you see how far we've come? I believe it's because of love."

"But we're too young..." I said softly.

Josh looked at me with his emerald, green eyes. "There is no age limit. Teens may be foolish, but we are not fools for love. We're fools because of the way we express love to one another."

I looked down and thought for a moment. Josh was right. I had him and I knew that he was always going to love me. Was it possible to even feel this way? When he spoke my name and said those lines so passionately, my heart skipped a beat, my body tingled and brightened, and my mind had a strong urge to hold him in my weak arms. I loved him, I know I did, so why was I crying?

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Tue Dec 23, 2008 1:54 am

200397 wrote a review...

Hey, LindseyBrooke! I hope this helps.

"But, I like that I'm alone when I come here."

You don't need this comma. And I know this is an excerpt, so you didn't exactly give it a beginning and an end, but you could try to describe the setting first, to give us something to work with. Just a suggestion.

Josh smiled and said smugly, "Nope, not at all. Amber, you witnessed my amazing punching skills. You of all people should know how talented I am."

First of all, I think you ought to elaborate on his tone of voice, his facial expression, to give us a better picture of why he's saying this completely conceited, arrogant sentence. (Sorry, but it kinda ticked me off there for a minute.)

Second: I've noticed that throughout the excerpt Josh says her name a lot. It gets a little annoying, so you might want to delete a few of them here and there. I'll point them out.

My grin faded. "Yeah, well I don't really remember what happened. If you'll excuse me, there were other things on my mind."

Again, you need to give us more to work with. Describe her face better, her actions. I mean, she was raped! If someone said that to me, I'd get up and try to leave. *Also, you need a comma after "well" at the beginning of the sentence.*

"Amber, I'm so sorry. I forgot for a second."

Cut the name. We know her name is Amber, he doesn't need to say it so often.

My eyes were focused on my duct-taped shoe.

For some reason, I like this a lot. It's somehow personal. Anyway, I think you ought to describe her feelings more. Is she trying to block out memories? Is she hurting inside? Is she experiencing mounting anger?

"You watched? Oh how terrible! Try being the one who was actually experiencing the rape! Imagine how I felt! There is no possible way you could have experienced more pain than me!" I shouted at him as I ripped my hands away from his.

This could be a very powerful moment if you used it right. She could express herself entirely in this moment, but right now it is flat and insensitive. Try something like:

"You watched?" My harsh voice feigned incredulity and horror. "Oh, how terrible for you! Try being the victim, the one being raped! Try feeling that, why don't you?" Josh's face was contorted in pain at my words, but I plowed on, my voice quieter but just as harsh. "There is no possible way you could have experienced more pain than me." I ripped my hand from his and turned away.

"Imagine how it felt to witness the person you love in pain! Imagine having that image imprinted on your brain. Do you realize how much your pain affects me?!" Josh retorted.
I stood up. "This isn't about you Josh! That night had nothing to do with you!"
"I saved your life, Amber!"

Again, here there is a powerful moment badly worded. Either of them are getting through to each other, not to mention the reader. Rewrite:

"imagine how it felt for me to witness the person I love in pain! Imagine having that image implanted in your brain! Do you realize how much your pain affects me?!" Josh retorted, trying to grab me and force me to face him
I stood up. How dare he! He was turning this situation to himself, making himself the victim? "This is not about you, Josh. That night had nothing to do with you!"
His face showed hurt and indignation. "I saved your life!"

Or, uh, something like that. :lol:

*ahem* Moving on.

We stood there, eyeing each other and breathing heavily.

How did they eye each other? I mean, we know they're both ticked off, but describe the eyes.

"I-I just don't know what to do any-anymore," I gasped as the sobs clogged up my throat. "Everything wrong h-has happened and m-my dad j-just died!" I repeated these words over and over and the words I was saying weren't even coherent.

I'm not so hot on this part. I mean, I know she's had a seriously traumatic experience, but this just seems hokey. If I were in this situation, I would cry without words. Heck, I wouldn't even remember how to speak. I think no words and just sobs might improve the situation.

"I'm so sorry Amber. I can't imagine how you feel. I was wrong to have said that I experienced more pain than you."

Wow. That was a fast apology.

"But why, Josh? It's not fair! My life was perfectly fine until this occurred! Why him? Why now?"

Again. Not so hot. The concept "Life Is Not Fair" has been needle-pointed on pillows in literature for a long time. We don't need to hear it again. Actions speak louder than words.

"We're like peas and carrots," I added with a smile. A tear dropped onto his hand.

Cute! I like this part.

"Maybe not so disgusting. But consider this. What if we met for a reason?

Change the period to a colon and de-capitalize the w.

My eyes looked at him, wearily. "Do you really believe that?"

Does she really believe that? Or does she think he's just playing with her?

I loved him, I know I did, so why was I crying?

Hm. Good point. I like the above!

OVERALL: Now I want to read all of your story. I think I'll check up on it later. Anyway, I think your writing is very mature, but you tend to rush. Slow down and describe the surroundings, the faces, the emotions. Without them stories are just bare bones. You need a little more flesh. I want to know what Amber is feeling, but not hear her blubber about it. I want to get inside Josh's head, but not hear him rant about God. Sometimes fewer words spoken means more.

Hope this was helpful.

~Sunny

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Mon Dec 22, 2008 7:04 pm

LindseyBrooke says...

Ok! Thanks!
Yeah, I'm working on the chapters of this story so it can make a little more sense.

Thanks for the reviews though guys!

Points: 2256
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Mon Dec 22, 2008 6:58 pm

thefireinmeisJC wrote a review...

Macs took care of all the nitty gritty but the first thing that came to my mind when I read this was "Don't say she was raped now!" To keep the suspense going, I would wait a little while before you reveal why Amber was upset with Josh. Just a little piece of advice though you say that this is an excerpt not chapter 1 so I don't know if it applies.
Anyway, good job! I look forward to more to see where you are getting at with all this. Welcome to YWS! PM me at anytime if you want!at anytime if you want!

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Sat Dec 20, 2008 6:18 pm

Macs wrote a review...

Sorry if I sound mean. I'm a perfectionist. Bold things are suggestions of words to add. Italics are words that I spoke about in the little explanation above each quote. [s]Strikethroughs[/s] are words that shouldn't be there.

You sat on the grass BENEATH you? Wow, that's a shocker. I'd get rid of those words and ad some description to the grass instead:

We stopped walking and sat on the olive green grass [s]beneath us[/s].

Isn't the person you're talking to a guy? Why would a stalker guy follow a guy? That just confuses the reader. Plus, your comma usage here is wrong:

"So you're not afraid that some creepy[s],[/s] stalker [s]guy[/s] will find you here by yourself?" I asked with a grin on my face.

Reword the italicized parts. They sound strange:

My grin faded. "Yeah, well I don't really remember what happened. If you'll excuse me, there were other things on my mind."

Why is the narrator's shoe duct taped?:

I didn't answer him. My eyes were focused on my duct-taped shoe.

Sudden anger... I would have a little more build up to this:

"You watched? Oh, how terrible! Try being the one who was actually experiencing the rape! Imagine how I felt! There is no possible way you could have experienced more pain than me!" I shouted at him as I ripped my hands away from his.

A few errors:

"Imagine how it [s]felt[/s] feels to witness the person you love in pain! Imagine having that image imprinted on your brain. Do you realize how much your pain affects me?!" Josh retorted.
I stood up. "This isn't about you, Josh! That night had nothing to do with you!"
"I saved your life!"[s], Amber!"[/s]
We stood there, eyeing each other and breathing heavily. I was so angry that tears [s]swelled[/s]welled up[/b] in my eyes. By the second time I blinked, tears poured like rain and drenched my face.
Josh put his hand on my cheek and wiped away as many tears as he could capture. "Amber..." he said softly and then held me close to him.
"I-I just don't know what to do any-anymore," I gasped [s]as the sobs clogged[/s] sobs clogging up my throat. "Everything that could go wrong h-has happened and m-my dad j-just died, to top it all off!" [s]I repeated these words over and over and the words I was saying weren't even coherent.[/s]

Josh sounds sarcastic here:

"I'm [s]so[/s] sorry, Amber. I can't imagine how you feel. I was wrong to have said that I experienced more pain than you."

Is Amber talking about her dad here, or the rapist?:

My mind was flashing back to the day I discovered the tragic news. The tears began to come heavier. "But why, Josh? It's not fair! My life was perfectly fine until this occurred! Why him? Why now?"

Ahhhh! You forgot to capitalize something that is EXTREMELY important! "his" should be "His". Plus, a few other mistakes:

Josh grabbed my face in his hands. "God plans things for a reason. No one can change his mind. I don't know why your father died, but I do know this[s].[/s]: We would never have met if it weren't for the accident, and I will never forget that day. It was the first day that I realized this girl was everything I wanted and so much more.

Uh huh. This sounds really... bad:

Do you think that we would have met if it weren't for [s]that[/s] the [s]first meeting[/s] accident? Do you think that we would be standing here, at this exact moment, so madly in love? Amber, if we didn't meet, I wouldn't be alive [s]live[/s]."

You used the word "serious" like... twice, but they are too close together:

His seriousness made me smile. "I'm [s]serious[/s] telling the truth, Amber. Without you, the oceans don't move, the birds don't sing, and the sun doesn't shine. At least, not in my world."

I liked this. It reminds me of the saying, "Two peas in a pod":

"We're like peas and carrots," I added with a smile.

Where did the tear drop from? Where is his hand at this time? Is it on his lap, on her chin, or on her cheek?:

A tear dropped onto his hand.

Peas and carrots are good! But everyone has their opinion. Anyways, I liked this part as well:

He laughed. "Maybe not so disgusting. But consider this. What if we met for a reason? What if this is God's way of showing us that love can overcome any obstacle that's thrown at us."

Oh my gosh! Your eyes actually looked at him!? Okay, what I'm trying to say is that you don't need to use some of those words:

[s]My eyes[/s] I looked at him[s],[/s] wearily.

A couple errors:

Josh looked at me with his emerald[s],[/s] green eyes. "There is no age limit. Teens may be foolish, but we are not fools for love. We're fools because of the way we express love to one another."
I looked down and thought for a moment. Josh was right. I had him and I knew that he was always going to love me. Was it possible to even feel this way? When he spoke my name and said those lines [s]so passionately,[/s] my heart skipped a beat[s],[/s]. my body tingled [/s]and brightened,[/s] and [s]my mind[/s] I had a strong urge to hold him in my weak arms. I loved him, I know I did, so why was I crying?

It was good, I really did enjoy it, though I needs quite a bit of work.
Good luck!
-Macs

Young Writers Society

The Park (excerpt from my novel)

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