October
5th
2009
“Miss”
“Miss”
It
took a second for Belle to be awakened to her surroundings and to
take notice of the young burly officer that stood in front of her
with a cup of water in hand. “Here, drink this.” Belle
took the cup from the officer nodding wordlessly as he draped a
woolen blanket around her. “You are very lucky to be alive,
Miss. Someone up there must have been watching out for you.”
Lucky.
What a weird word to use, Belle thought to herself. She had survived,
yes. But if the young officer had known half of the truth about what
had actually transpired that night, he would know that Belle was
anything but lucky.
* * * *
January
5th
2009
“Dearly
beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of God and in the
presence of these witnesses, to join Josh and Belle in holy
matrimony. Josh and Belle wish to be bound into this holy estate
therefore if any person can show just cause why they cannot be bound
let them speak now or forever hold their peace”
My
mother always said that my wedding day would be the happiest day of
my life. I wonder if that is why a part of me wants to know what she
would say if she were here today. I have never been one to believe
in the happily-ever-after stories or whatever it is they are selling
in Hallmark cards nowadays. So to say my getting married today is a
surprise is really an understatement. But that doesn’t really
explain why no one I know or I should say no one I truly know is
here. To explain that part, I would have to start this story from the
very beginning. But, I should warn you it is as much my story as it
is another’s. I wouldn’t be here without her story.
“…
Belle and
Josh as you stand before your family and friends today, I remind you
both that you stand in the presence of God as well, who sees into the
hearts and minds and nothing is hidden from him. Therefore, remember
that as you have chosen to stand here today to declare your covenant
of marriage before all, if you strive to keep the vows you make here
today, God will surely bless your union and establish your home in
peace.”
The
youngest of two girls, I was born to a father who knew all too well
that I was not his. He chose to put me in a foreign country with
distant relatives rather than dealing with the brutal truth of his
dead wife’s infidelity. Separated from my family and all I knew
to be true, writing became the only way I could stay connected to my
family. Over the years, written words conveyed the emotions that
face-to-face interactions had denied me with my family. From the
letters from my mom before her passing, I discovered why my father
would never treat me as his or ever ask me to come home. From the
letters from my older sister Rose, I found the mom, dad, and sister
that life had so callously denied me. All too aware of the reason for
my exile, Rose had never made me feel like I was anything but loved
and wanted. Rose wrote to me about her exploits in high school, all
the ways she would irritate dad as an act of vengeance for me, and
most importantly, how she wished she could bring me home so we could
be together always. This was the Rose I knew and the Rose I loved.
She was as wild and rebellious as she was loving and forgiving. At
least until the day she met Josh. After that day, she was never the
same.
* * * * *
August
29th
1990
Dear
Anna,
I
know I haven’t written you a letter in a while. I’m sorry
I haven’t replied to any of your letters. Do you hate me? I’m
sorry. It’s too late, I know, but I really am. I had to explain
why, everything, about Josh, about me. Anna, when I first met Josh,
you know that I was only 18 years old. I was drawn to him. I couldn’t
help it. He was everything that I knew father would hate in a boy,
which made him perfect for me. I can still remember the day we walked
through the gates to papa’s house. Hand-in-hand we made
promises that no matter what father would say, we would still get
married.
As
we had anticipated dad was not at all pleased yelling at us to get
out of his house with warnings of disownment if I dared marry that
“thing” I picked up from the streets, in his words. I
cried out to mom to help daddy see reason, but my cries fell on deaf
ears. Josh and I left the house amid daddy’s threats determined
more than ever to prove him wrong and to get married as soon as
possible. The next morning Josh and I made a trip to Las Vegas to a
little chapel near the grand casino. I was skeptical about our
decision I have to admit, because I had always imagined my wedding
being different. I had practically dreamed about it since I was 5
years old. Do you remember Anna? I used to tell you all about it when
you were younger. You were only three then. Anyway, I dreamed about
the walk down the aisle to the wedding march. I dreamed about daddy
guiding me steadily as we walked, reminding me with every step that
he would be there to catch me if I fell. I also dreamed about what it
would feel like to finally see my groom, and the love that would fill
us both as we exchanged our vows before our family and friends.
Needless to say this was far from what I had dreamed of since I was a
little girl but whatever doubts I had about our union, Josh quickly
dissolved with one kiss. With one kiss we were husband and wife and
with that kiss, my life as I knew it was about to end.
Anna,
do you ever wonder why mothers spend so much time talking about
weddings with their daughters but not so much about marriages? A
month into my marriage with Josh, I think I discovered why. For
everything that a wedding is supposed to be, a marriage is the exact
opposite –in a sense we celebrate weddings in anticipation of
the drudgery that marriage will be. Anyway, after our honeymoon, Josh
and I paid another visit to papa, this time hoping that papa would be
forced to welcome us. I was wrong. Papa kept true to his promise and
the last I heard of him was when I picked up the paper this morning.
Did you hear the news? Are you coming down for Papa’s funeral?
Have you forgiven Papa? Sometimes I feel the need to blame him for
my shattered life. Perhaps if he had not been so horrible to you and
sent you away or been so strict on me, I would not have felt the need
to rebel against him. And maybe who knows, I might not have met Josh
at all. But deep down, no matter how much I try I can’t hate
him. Papa was right. I was too young and too blinded with my ideas
about love that I failed to realize that the day I married Josh, my
life ended.
A
month into our marriage, I discovered I was pregnant. Before I even
told Josh about the wonderful news, I planned what I would do
differently with my child, all the ways I would be different from
mother, and all the ways Josh would be different from papa. I was so
excited to share the news with Josh so I went out that day and bought
some maternity clothes and a fake belly pillow. I cooked Josh’s
favorite meal and waited patiently for him to get home. I decided
that when Josh walked into our house that evening, I would be
standing by our candle-lit dinner table warmly rubbing my fake belly,
Josh would guess that I was pregnant and rush over to wrap me in his
arms. Just imagine my excitement when I heard Josh’s car pull
into our driveway and his engine go off. When the door opened, I
stood as I had practiced all day. Josh looked at me, he dropped his
suitcase and walked towards me, I took in a deep breath anticipating
his picking me up. I didn’t notice the look in his eyes on
time, and when I did, it was too late.
The
next day, I woke up feeling sore all over; Josh was there. He brought
me breakfast in bed and kissed me on my head. He apologized for
having lost his temper. He told me that he had overreacted but he was
under a lot of stress at the office. He said his father was putting
him to work to show that he deserved to be there, not just because he
was his son. He promised that it wouldn’t happen again. He said
that the next time, when he was ready – when we were both
ready, we could have as many babies as we wanted. I wanted to scream,
I wanted to cry, but Josh was having a hard time and I didn’t
want to make it worse. He kissed me again and said he had to go to
work but he would be back early that evening and he would make it up
to me. I never told him this, but when he left, I cried over our dead
baby. The one that I would never get to hold, the one that I would
never get to call my own and the one that I could never be different
with. After my tears had dried up within me, I carried my blood
stained maternity clothes outside to our backyard, where I buried
them. I would visit our baby there everyday, I promised myself. What
I didn’t know then was that in the months and years that would
follow, that backyard would become the home of more than one baby. Am
I rumbling on?
Anyway,
a couple of nights ago, Josh and I got into a fight again. He said I
had ruined his life. I was good for nothing except making the babies
that he didn’t want. He told me I was an embarrassment, that
was why he couldn’t take me anywhere with him. What would
people say, he asked, if they found out that he was married to a
nobody like me. He said that even my family didn’t want me so
why should he have to suffer with what nobody wanted? I was hurt
because I love him so much but I also know Josh is right. Nobody
wants me. I haven’t seen daddy or spoken to you for twelve
years now and now he’s gone. I don’t have any friends
anymore because Josh didn’t like my friends; he thought they
were corrupting me. I dropped out of school because Josh wanted a
wife he could come home to. I have had so many abortions that the
doctor said I can’t give birth anymore. I don’t know
anything anymore. Nobody wants me, and I don’t blame them. I
just want to be with my children, Anna. Please don’t judge me.
They are mine. For the moments that I carried them, I loved them and
even after I laid them to rest I never stopped loving them. I think
they loved me too. Do you think so? I want to know. I will go to them
soon. Forgive me Annabelle. Write me soon!
Your
sister,
Rose.
* * * * *
January
5th
2009
When
Rose died, it was as if a part of me died with her, and for the first
time in my life I felt truly alone. I vowed then to take from Josh
what he had taken from me. For every niece or nephew denied me, he
would pay with what he cared most about, and for Rose’s life,
he would pay with his very own.
“Now
Josh, do you take Belle to be your lawfully wedded wife? Do you
promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, for better or
for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till
death do you part?”
“I
do”
“Belle,
do you take Josh to be your lawfully wedded husband? Do you promise
to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, for better or for
worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till
death do you part?”
* * * *
October
5th
2009
Belle
sat at the back of the ambulance the woolen blanket still draped
around her. In the distance, the faint sound of the fire truck
leaving the premises could still be heard. The air smelled tepid with
a combination of gasoline and ash. The cops that still lingered
around the great big mansion that had once been the envy of many but
now had been reduced to ash whispered about the events of the day. In
the morning, the newspapers would be flooded with stories and
interpretations of what had transpired that night. Friends and family
would mourn of what was and what could have been and many would offer
their condolences to the newly wed that had the unfortunate
experience of nearly being burned alive by her crazed husband. Yes,
all would talk; friends and strangers alike, but no one would ever
know what truly happened on that cold October night when Josh
Wheating burned to a crisp.
* * * *
January
5th
2009
“Belle?”
the priest reverberated. “Do
you take Josh to be-“
“I do.” Annabelle
replied. Till
death
do
us
part.
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