Dead Inside

I wrote this in January and I'm getting comments on it in May...wow....And I didn't put this up but I wrote this like bout 2 years ago...and I know it's short. And Kylan, I agree, Poems should be longer but this was like first attempt at poetry and I just thought I'd stick it up when I first joined cause I had nothing else writen. Thanks anyways.

*Lindsay*

WOW! you got a lot of replies on this! I thought that it was more of a statement. Maybe make it a little longer but I really liked it. Even though it wasn't really that long. Well good job! Keep it up!

Demi a.k.a. Oregongirl

Woot! Stick it to the man Lady Pirate!

Anywyas, now that that's done with...

It was very short. Quotes are short. The back of cereal boxes are short. Poems, in my opinion, should last a little longer. A poem should read at least five minutes and make a reader think about it's contents. This poem is a statement. Boom. Your point is made. There is no digging. There is no interpertation. You say what you are feeling in a couple lines and leave it at that. In my opinion, this leaves the reader feeling empty and blank, and cheated of good poetry. For me there is little emotion in this piece.

But don't give up!!! Poems are a fabulous way to vent feelings and experience new ones. You do have some promise, keep that in mind. The next poem you post (and there had better be a next one ), PM me an I'll crit it also!!

-Kylan

My teacher in Lit. Mag, and I where just having is argument fri. He doesn't like our generation's poems, says they're too straight forwards, and there are no literary componates to them.

Of course, I disagree. I think that it is only straight forward if you want it to be straight forward.

While he might see this piece, as shallow and a waste of paper, I can feel the pain. I can see it, and that is noble. Some times straight forward is the right way to do things.

This isn't poetry. Poetry let's the reader's feel the emotion of the piece. Let's the reader interpret it and see it through their eyes. Let's the reader be guided and shown images and metaphors, messages and morals.

This is a proverbial slap in the face.

Try reading poetry. A lot. The more you read, the more you see what works and what dosen't. Then, after you've learned somethings [and have realized that feeling crushed after reading this crit isn't the appropriate response :p] come back and try to re-convey these emotions in an original, poetic way.

I'll be looking forward to seeing it when you do

~Ed

The shortness of the poem really worked for me. I really liked the theme. Very interesting.

I liked the shortness of it but detail wouldn't have been a bad thing here. I like the whole jist of the poem. It is a good way to convey your feelings after a breakup.

So this piece was to the point, it shows that you miss him, but that in itself is a little cliche. Maybe if you expressed why you missed him it would give this poem a bit more strength, a bit more structure. It would boost the imagery that the reader would get while reading this piece as well has helping the readers to relate in some way or other. In all, it was nice, but it could be better if you put some more detail into it.

- Fabien

Nice link Claudette.

Staring- I recommend getting your hands on a Poetry Anthology of some kind, read some Heaney.

*dies a little inside*

May I guide you to look at an article for me? Poetry & Punctuation. Read it, study it, learn it, use it.

This was very short, and to the point. When you are writing something with emotion like this, you need to not be selfish like writers tend to do; think only of your audience. How can they relate to what you are showing them? In fact, you are showing us nothing, you are telling us everything. We have to be able to relate.

People want to read a poem, and have some emotion or thought they take away from it.

A good suggestion, read as much poetry you can, find what makes it good, what makes it pretty, and try it for yourself.

Thanx 4 the critisizm. It's my first time posting poem and I need A LOT of help
So...Thanx!

I agree w/ the purple balloon. I think it repeats too much and makes the reader lose interest. Use different sorts of words and the poem will be good.

~~Judi Patootie

just doesn't have the effect of a poem to me. its a simple "repetition of questions" that don't seem to lead to anywhere. like Phorcys says, "What Were They Like" might be a good idea to try.

.....Ok.....


I dont think the repetition of the questions works at all - in fact it lowers what I think of poets when they ask endless questions with no answer.

See "What were they like?" for a nice poem of this type.

Simple, straightforward, to the point. Its not bad. Could have contained a bit more detail though

Well, it's straightforward to say in the least! No doubt about that!

First off, this seemed more of a statement than of a poem. To me, it didn't seem that there was much imagination or life in this piece. I know (as you demonstrate clearly) that you miss that person, but why do you miss him? Add a little more depth by including things like memories, circumstances, etc. There's a whole plethora of things you could include to give this poem more depth.

Also, as a friendly warning-try not to turn this into the typical I miss you soooo much poem type of thing. After reading a lot of those, the idea tends to get old. Frankly, I think the sign of a good poet is one who can take a cliched idea and turn it into something new, original, and wonderful because of their creative imagination.

Good luck with the poem, and if you have any questions, please pm me!

Wiggy

Any Critisizim is welcomed
Thanx!