The tears, like blood
Fall gently to the floor
Unsuspecting, accepting
And completely carefree
There is no life here
The trees have lost their voice
The green is no longer vibrant
And the air is dying
Our mother, has left
Shamed and despaired
With naught but a last feeble breath
To rebuild the defences
But all has failed
And doomed we may be
Although unaware
It will come
The smoke like a drug
The screams of the last of the voices
When all but the cars have gone
The green is but a memory
Condemned to die
Condemned...
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks guys!
Hi there! I love the aim of this poem, as I am very much of an environmentalist. However, I see a few improvements that could be made ...
From an opinion standpoint, I would remove the word "and" from the final line of each stanza. To me, the use of a conjunction seems unpoetical. But remember, this is just my opinion.
I agree with Jasmine Hart that some more imagery would be key. The only way to make readers of a tragedy story cry is by endearing them to the characters that are lost or hurt, whether mentally or physically. Endear my to mother Earth. Make me love her. Then -- and only then -- will I want to protect her.
"There is no life here." I see this as a little bit too blunt. I'm not sure if you were taught in school about how to "show not tell," but it definitely comes into play here. Instead of saying, "There is no life here," you could say something about a "lifeless land." Just the one word "lifeless" sums up the five words you chose to use. Try, "The green has lost its vibrancy." Also, elaborate on the air dying. How did it die? Was it suffocated? Was it murdered by careless humans, throwing caution to the wind? Of course, this isn't literal, but try to break free from the chains of prose.
Contrary to Jasmine Hart's comment, I see nothing wrong with the archaic word "naught." Actually, I quite like it. However, if you want to be archaic in that one line, you must maintain that throughout the poem. Otherwise, it looks like the author really doesn't have the capability to use archaic words, but picked up one or two of them to throw in there as decoration. "Our mother has left" is brilliant, but the comma isn't necessary. Your aim is probably to have the reader pause between "Our mother" and "has left," but if the reader has any experience in oral presentations, he/she will pause there regardless of the comma.
I'm not so sure about this stanza. All hasn't failed; we just haven't been putting in our best efforts. We are aware it will come; we just don't like to acknowledge it openly or do anything about it.
I like this last part. Actually, I love it. I especially love the last little stanza. "Condemned to die/ Condemned..." The ellipses signifies something -- that the tale isn't over, that we are living it every day of the week.
In all, excellent job. I've been hard on you, but you can take it.
Hi,
I'd cut the first stanza because the imagery is a bit weak and it's not as tight as it should be. I think it would be stronger if you started with "There is no life here", and put a full stop after it.
I like "The trees have lost their voice" but I'd like if you cut the next line, and instead showed me how the air is dying.
I'd cut the comma after "left", and change "Naught but a last" to " Nothing but a final" as "naught" is archaic and the alliteration would work nicely. I'd change "but a memory" as again it's archaic.
I'd try cutting references to smoke because we've heard it all before. Instead, be very specific in your imagery and try to make the reader really fear what will happen. Use the things which you encounter, the trees you see, the paths you walk, and create horror through your imagery rather than making the reader feel it by expressing it directly.
Hope this helps,
Jas