Cause: Fight the dark ones

Ok work in progress..thoughts?

“Alanna! Are you coming? I swear you have been in the bathroom for twenty minutes, don’t you realize we’re going to be late?” Clary paced the floor in front of the bathroom looking up and down the walls at the pictures that were hung there. Some were of her father and her brothers; others were decorative paintings that had been in the house since before she was born.

“God I’m out already jeez, you gotta give a girl some time to get ready” Alanna said opening the door letting a breeze of sweet smelling shampoo and perfume waft out. Standing tall at 5’7’ Alanna was easily the prettiest girl around, long ringlets of blonde hair fell across her shoulders and chest with a face to kill for. She knew she was pretty too but she was never one to flaunt it.

“Yeah well if you may have forgotten we had to be at Kyra’s house at 4:30pm and guess what time it is.”

“I don’t need to guess my dear because you’re just going to tell me anyways," walking away Alanna turned and smiled at Clary. Turning the corner Clary told her “Yeah I will tell you, it’s close to 5pm! You always do this to me; make me wait around while you say 'just a minute'!”

“Well then it should be expected now shouldn’t it,” Alanna grabbed an apple off the counter and her purse from off the chair, “So what are we waiting for Clary let’s go” and turned on her heel and went through the front door. Clary threw her hands up in exasperation and followed her clapping her hands twice to put out the lights and then locked the door behind her.

Pacing around the room nineteen year old Kyra was humming a song to herself and quietly packing some clothes. It was going to be a long day she knew, the Order had wanted to meet with her for some time now but it she was always putting it off. She could avoid it no longer, she thought; the Order had to see that she had no special powers, at least none different from the other girls. Thinking of her father she made herself sit down in one of the plush chairs in her living room. It always made her emotional when thinking of Gregory, such a great man, with power unlike anything the city of Rowena had seen before. She had been only eleven when Gregory was cornered and beaten to death by a gang of men from the neighbouring city of Alaina. They had feared his power and decided to take action without consideration for the motherless daughter that would be left behind. Shaking the thoughts away she got up and slowly pulled the suitcase to the door, glancing at the time. Quarter after five, of course they would be late, Kyra smiled to herself. Her friends were about as predictable as can be but she loved them nonetheless. She had grown up with Clary and actually lived with her after she became an orphan. Alanna she didn’t meet until she was buying her own apartment and needed advice on where was best to buy. Alanna’s mother was a real estate agent so Alanna would sometimes help customers find suitable housing and thus a friendship was born. A sharp knock on the door roused her from her daydreams and she smiled, well speak of the devil she thought. Opening the door a sudden flurry of blonde curls and long auburn hair clouded her view and pairs of arms went around her body.

“Sorry were late! You know how Alanna is, taking five hours in the bathroom when she knows were already late.” Clary giggled as she hugged her best friend.

“Oh as if, you always blame it on me! She knows I’m always late anyways I don’t know why you guys set deadlines anyways jeez.” Alanna complained as she also hugged Kyra.

“Guys guys! It’s fine but can I have my body back?” trying to untangle herself from the web of hair and hands and bodies. “I am used to you guys being late but seriously of all days? You know the Order is waiting for us and it’s not like we haven’t already delayed for as long as possible.”

“Yeah but really who cares I mean we all know you don’t have any weird magical powers I don’t see the point of even going.” Alanna complained as she walked around the living room picking up stuff then putting it back down. Clary followed her and went to sit on the couch.

Kyra looked at her best friends and sighed, they obviously didn’t understand the implications of not going. “C’mon girls you know that if I don’t go they will just keep hounding me about it. I mean it’s best to just go there and let them do whatever they want because we all know they won’t find anything. I am completely normal, well as normal as us fighters are.” Kyra sighed and placed her hand on her hips. “I don’t see why they feel the need to test me anyways; wouldn’t some sign of my powers have shown if I did have what Gregory had?”

“Maybe it’s not ready to come out yet or maybe you don’t know how to use it.” Clary was looking down at her clasped hands as she said this but looked up at Kyra with silent apology in her eyes. “I mean Gregory did die when you were eleven so there wasn’t time for him to train you. Who knows what power you have in you Kye.”

Kyra looked around the room, Alanna was looking quite uncomfortable and she wasn’t meeting Kyra’s eyes while Clary just sat on the couch with a serious look on her face. “Well I think its nonsense. We best be on our way, that is if your still coming with me,” she said as she headed towards the door.

Both girls grimaced and followed Kyra out of the room, locking the door behind them.

Jesse walked around the room silently cursing himself for coming back to Rowena; after all it could do him no good. He was in his brother’s room in the cheap apartment that Damien had bought when he had made the choice to stay. Jesse shook his head still shocked at his brother’s decision to stay in the place that had brought so much trouble to them. They had been born and raised in Alaina but had moved to Rowena to look for a better place to find work. They bought a small apartment and began looking for fresh work when one day Kyra’s father was brutally murdered. It had happened in an alley right beside their apartment and so they were the first to be questioned. Walking to the single window seat in the apartment he sat down and put his head in his hands as the thought of Kyra struck him. Beautiful, shy, awkward Kyra. They had met when Jesse went to the Order and made his plea to be trained as a fighter against the dark ones. Kyra was in a meeting with the Order at the time and when she came out of the room she had looked shaken and ashen. He helped her to a chair and from there a friendship had blossomed, which eventually turned to romance. Everything had been perfect until her father had been murdered and suspicion had been placed on him. The look in her eyes as the police told her that he was their prime suspect, it had been unbearable. Jesse had pleaded with Damien for them to return to Alaina but Damien thought it would only cause more talk. If they returned to Alaina it would look like they were running away. Jesse couldn’t believe that Damien wanted to stay and so he said his goodbyes and left. Shaking his head Jesse got up off the window seat and walked around the apartment looking at the worn walls and lack of decorations. Why am I here, Jesse thought to himself, maybe to see if Damien is still the brother I left all those years ago?

Damien shrugged off the brown worn jacket and placed it on the chair beside him. Head held in his hands he took a deep breath and shook himself mentally. He couldn’t stand the thought of being in the courtroom a moment longer. Everything had changed when Jesse had left and Damien was still left wondering if he had made the right choice. Sure working for the Order had its benefits but it did leave him drained and unhappy. Looking around the courtroom he noticed a few empty seats and was wondering what the other members were thinking about the impending meeting with Kyra. He was worried about what a few of the more conservative members would think if it did prove true that Kyra was as powerful as Gregory had been. Irial especially he knew would try and turn Kyra into his pawn, as much as he said he was on the Order's side Damien knew that he had ulterior motives. He would have to keep an eye on him if it turned out that Kyra really did have power.

Creedance had left the room to take a breath of fresh air when Irial stopped him along the way.

“Brother it has been too long since we have last talked; I hope all is going well with you?” Creedance stared at him with disdain and spoke softly “You know why we haven’t spoken lately and yet you throw it in my face now, why?”

“I do not know of what you speak brother, I thought we had left on good terms, after all justice was served,” turning to side he raised one eyebrow in thought. “That was not justice and you know it! It was unfair of them to execute her; they had no real evidence against her!” Creedance replied furiously. Irial turned on his heel and paced back and forth tauntingly in front of Creedance. “Oh your simply saying that because of your petty feelings for the girl, oh that’s right you “loved” her did you not?” Irial had the grace to duck at the swing he knew would come. “Oh you’re so predictable you know that brother? You need to learn to separate yourself from your conquests and I guarantee you will live a happier life.” Creedance was breathing heavily and glared at Irial as he muttered “I learned never to take advice from you a long time ago.” Turning away he stalked outside away from his brother and away from the anger his presence brought with him. He was here for one reason and one reason only; to test Kyra’s powers and make sure she was could be a help to the Cause. Who cared if Irial got in the way? He would take care of that problem when it arose.

Pacing back and forth in front of the bronze doors that held her fate Kyra could only think of her father, his living image was ever present in her mind. The receptionist at the counter had been most ungracious when the three girls had arrived, probably due to the lateness of their presence but it didn’t bother Kyra the slightest. She had no affinity towards the Order as they thought her more a specimen of study than a human being. They only afforded the miminal courtesies due to her status and nothing more. Clary and Alanna were seated a few feet down on a pair of marble chairs and were giving her cautious looks with their heads bent together. Of course they should be worried, Kyra thought, they are only looking out for me. But what if this is all for nothing ? What then? Do I just go back to my normal life without any fear or doubt that this could be something more than just plain skills?

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Lindabelle Comment

Thanks guys! I will take your advice and work on the things mentioned above. Thanks for taking the time to read this over and help me out with my mistakes. It is greatly appreciated.

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Rosendorn
Review

Hello.

Solvalery has already gone into some detail on grammar (for a general guide on punctuation, check out this article), but I'm going to bring up something else: Dialogue grammar.

Take this line:

“I don’t need to guess my dear because you’re just going to tell me anyways," walking away Alanna turned and smiled at Clary.


Had this been "...anyways," Alanna said, walking away... then it would be fine. But, right now, you need a period at the end of the dialogue. The line "walking away Alanna turned and smiled at Clary" is not a speech tag. A speech tag is something that explains how a character is saying the dialogue. "She said," "he yelled," "I asked quietly" are all examples of speech tags. If dialogue starts with a speech tag (such as "before saying" or "told her") it gets punctuated like this:

Turning the corner Clary told her, <- comma “Yeah I will tell you, it’s close to 5pm! You always do this to me; make me wait around while you say 'just a minute'!”


If a speech tag comes after the dialogue, it gets punctuated like this:

“Oh as if, you always blame it on me! She knows I’m always late anyways I don’t know why you guys set deadlines anyways jeez, <- comma instead of a period” Alanna complained as she also hugged Kyra.


If, however, the writing around the dialogue does not explain how a character is saying something (I call these "action tags") then the dialogue gets punctuated like this:

“I don’t need to guess my dear because you’re just going to tell me anyways. <- Period instead of a comma" Capital letter -> Walking away Alanna turned and smiled at Clary.


This article goes into more detail on how dialogue is supposed to be punctuated.

Onto the prose itself: You have way too many details here. Unless a detail is important to the story, cut it. And unless readers have been given reason to know about a detail, don't put it in. Finally, if you're going to put in details, and the former two guidelines have been met, spread out those details so they aren't in a massive chunk (like the twelve line paragraph six paragraphs into this story).

The thing about extra details is, they slow down a story. Big time. Readers are very prone to skimming long descriptions to get to something important. And even if these descriptions have things that are important, readers will still skim it because the paragraph is just too long and there's nothing interesting about reading it. We also need reason to sit through a long description. Raise a question in our minds about what's going on, what happened in the past to make the situation turn out this way. Once readers are wondering what's going on, slip in the information. And only slip in the amount of information needed to answer the question. If you put in more information that's needed, then readers get bored and start skimming again. You also don't have to give all the information needed to answer the question. Leaving readers hanging is a great way to keep them interested in the story.

This article goes into more detail about unneeded information and how to know what information is needed.

Finally, there is how this reads as a beginning. Right now, I have no reason to keep reading that massive 12 line paragraph, and I actually stopped there because I could see nothing really special about this story. A beginning needs to grab interest in a very short span of time. It is the ever-important first impression to a story and it needs to be good. Cleaning up the grammar is a start, but there's also making this really shine. This article is on beginnings, and how to polish them up.

Overall, really just work on general writing mechanics. Namely, grammar and paragraph spacing. A quick glance at your twelve-line paragraph showed it could pretty easily be broken up. A rule of thumb I use is to break up paragraphs every new idea, or to break up paragraphs if you want one line to stand out as really important. That will make this easier to read and understand.

Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

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GeeLyria
Review

Hi, this is a really interesting story, I really liked it... :D

“God I’m out already jeez, you gotta give a girl some time to get ready”

God#FF0000 ">! I'm out already#FF0000 ">, jeez#FF0000 ">. You gotta give a girl some time to get ready#FF0000 ">,"

Standing tall at 5’7’ Alanna was easily the prettiest girl around, long ringlets of blonde hair fell across her shoulders and chest with a face to kill for.

Standing tall at 5'7, Alanna was easily the prettiest girl around, long ringlets of #FF0000 ">blond hair fell across her shoulder and chest with a face to kill for.

She knew she was pretty too but she was never one to flaunt it.

She knew she was pretty too#FF0000 ">, but she was never one to flaunt it.

“Yeah well if you may have forgotten we had to be at Kyra’s house at 4:30pm and guess what time it is.”
"Yeah#FF0000 ">, well#FF0000 ">, if you may have forgotten we had to be at Kyra's house at 4:30pm and guess what time is."

“I don’t need to guess my dear because you’re just going to tell me anyways,"

I don't need to guess#FF0000 ">, my dear#FF0000 ">, because you're just going to tell me anyways,"
“Yeah I will tell you, it’s close to 5pm! You always do this to me; make me wait around while you say 'just a minute'!”
...make me wait around while you say 'just a minute' <-- I would've wrote this on italic. :wink:

“Well then it should be expected now shouldn’t it,”

"Well#FF0000 ">, then it should be expected now. Shouldn't it?"

“So what are we waiting for Clary let’s go”

"So#FF0000 ">, what are we waiting for#FF0000 ">, Clary#FF0000 ">? Let's go."
Pacing around the room nineteen year old Kyra was humming a song to herself and quietly packing some clothes. It was going to be a long day she knew, the Order had wanted to meet with her for some time now but it she was always putting it off.

Pacing around the room#FF0000 ">, nineteen year old Kyra#FF0000 ">, was humming a song to herself and quietly packing some clothes.
Alanna’s mother was a real estate agent so Alanna would sometimes help customers find suitable housing and thus a friendship was born.

Alanna’s mother was a real estate agent#FF0000 ">, so Alanna would sometimes help customers find suitable housing and thus a friendship was born.

Opening the door a sudden flurry of blonde curls and long auburn hair clouded her view and pairs of arms went around her body.
blond is without the e

“Sorry were late! You know how Alanna is, taking five hours in the bathroom when she knows were already late.”
Sorry we#FF0000 ">'re late! You know how Alanna is, taking five hours in the bathroom when she knows we#FF0000 ">'re already late.

^^^^^^^^^^As you can see the constant problem are the commas.^^^^^^^^^^^^

I got something for you... just learn it and you'll be an amazing writer :smt002 because you have the skills!

Uses for Commas

You often use commas to separate items in a series. A series is three or more related words, phrases, or clauses.

Words:
Sara photographed cities, people and parks. (nouns)
He aimed, focused, and took the picture. (verbs)
The tree was old, twisted and leafless. (adjective)

Phrases:
People often take photographs during sports events, on vacations, and at parties. Sara took photographs in the morning, at dusk, and in the evening.

Clauses: Sara developed the photos, I enlarged the best ones, and Tim put them in frames.

More Uses for Commas

1. Use commas after words, phrases, and clauses that come at the beginning of a sentence.

Introductory Words:
Oh, I need a sharper pencil.
Yes, they are in the supply cabinet.

Introductory Phrases:
Arriving late, Walt sat near the door.
During the long meeting, he fell asleep.

Introductory Clauses:
After the session ended, I spoke to Hall.
While I waited, I made some phone calls.

2. Interrupters are words that break up a sentence and add emphasis. Use commas to separate interrupters from the rest of the sentence.

Interrupters:
You know, of course, the purpose of this meeting.
We will meet again next week, by the way.

3. A noun of direct address is the name of a person or persons spoken to directly. It can come anywhere the sentence. Use commas to separate noun of direct address from the rest of the sentence.

Direct Address:
John, I will need your help with this.
Come into my office, Janice, for a few minutes.
Staple these pages together, James.

4. An appositive adds information about the noun that directly precedes it. Use commas to separate an appositive only if it is not necessary to identify the noun.

Appositive: The president, Harold White, will present the award.

If the appositive is necessary to explain or identify the noun, do not use commas.

The documentary Space Exploration won an award.
My friend Patrick has seen the movie.


I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU AND KEEP WRITING! :smt003

-Solvalery! :smt002 :shock:



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