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War Goddess

by Liminality



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346 Reviews


Points: 30400
Reviews: 346

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Tue Jan 12, 2021 1:48 am
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi Liminality! I was skimming the green room for something to review and saw that this poem of yours has been in here for a while, so here I am with a review for you ^^

I apologize in advance if it's a bit all-over-the-place; my head a bit scrambled right now c:

So one thing I noticed that you do several times throughout the poem is repeating phrases over line breaks. For example,

cross the room to me,
and cross me,
&
I come in peace,
peace like...
&
...I copy your
words, those dishonest words
&
cheap threadbare tunics
for my cheap bare heart?

I like the effect it creates - to me, it makes the poem feel a bit like a stream-of-consciousness, without going full free-form, if that makes sense. It also contributes to a kind of broken flow, which compliments the subject and tone of the poem quite well!

Another thing I found throughout was some subtle mid-line rhyming and assonance, which softened the sound of those lines slightly. "long-lashed, as if splashed" "desert sand...river-land" "Calling for duels, the nobles / flocking like mules"
They're like fun little surprises sprinkled throughout the poem, so I'm certainly not complaining c: I like that you chose to sprinkle them where they fit into the lines nicely, instead of sacrificing sentence structure and imagery for a stiffer rhyming scheme.

I did find though, that from the starting line ("Is it right to say"), all the way to the end of the dialogue in the second stanza ("when I want it to!"), it's all one sentence - which is on the verge of feeling run-on-y, I think, especially because you start it off as a question ("Is it...") but then it doesn't end with a question mark. I think this could be remedied fairly easily if you put a question mark after "with a battle heartbeat", then turn "and You ask me" into the start of a new sentence. However I can also see how you might be going for a more rambly feel, which I totally get, so in the end that's definitely up to you!

As always, your imagery is so refreshing, unique, and thought-provoking! Some of my favourite little tid-bits from this poem:
peace like the fire behind
a ceramic mask
&
or maybe the poison-
-tipped dart in your eyes
long-lashed
&
and towers in those cheekbones
&
Or are all I have
cheap threadbare tunics

^I did have one teeny wording nitpick about that final one -> as is, for some reason I find the plural "are" and "tunics" to feel a bit unnatural; I think "Or is all I have a / cheap threadbare tunic" might feel a bit less awkward. But that's super eensy, like I said, and is really just personal taste c:

in their white robes to watch you fly away alone in the square -

This line is significantly longer than the rest, and at first I thought you might've just forgotten to hit enter halfway through the line? If that's the case, well, that's that. But having read it through a couple more times I actually like the effect it has being so much longer -> it feels a bit like the line itself is "flying away alone", which mimics the meaning of the words. It also adds a bit of visual interest to a fairly non-visual poem, which in my opinion never hurts!

All in all, this was a really layered and interesting poem to read! I felt like I discovered something new each time I read it, which I adore in a poem <3 I hope this unorganized rambling review proves helpful (and legible hehe) in some way!

Keep writing you wonderful poet!

whatcha




Liminality says...


Ah thank you so much for your input, whatcha! I adore your suggestions for the 3rd stanza. Thank you again for reviewing! <3333



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Points: 250
Reviews: 42

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Sun Dec 27, 2020 7:17 pm
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Lionhero333 wrote a review...



Hey there,

This was a really good read. I have to be honest. A very strong strong opening I must say. For a lake of a better word this poem was very... Poetic.😁 I mean its creative, vivid, whimsical, and heartbreaking. I personally didnt find much wrong, except for it got a bit choppy in the middle of paragraph 3. But to be honest its nitpicking.

Paragraph five is my favorite. I give this poem a 5/5 10/10, a green sticker which ever works. Great job and get having fun.




Liminality says...


Thanks for the review! I do agree stanza 3 needs some work, haha, especially because it's a sudden switch to dialogue.




"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."
— Chuck Palahniuk